AND WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THEERP THEERP SO NICE TO BE WITH THESE PEOPLE TONIGHT.
HERE'S THE THING-- THE NEWS IS SO DARK THESE DAYS, I'D LIKE TO
START OFF TONIGHT WITH A STORY OF HOPE THAT HONORS AN AMERICAN
HERO.
THERE'S A VIRAL VIDEO OF THIS BEVERAGE CART AT O'HARE AIRPORT:
JIM.
IT'S SPINNING...
IT'S GONNA HIT THE PLANE.
OH!
IT JUST BARELY MISSES THE PLANE, AND BAM!
FORKLIFT GUY SAVES THE DAY!
A TIP FOR ANY PASSENGER FLYING ON THAT PLANE: DO NOT ORDER
ANYTHING CARBONATED.
I JUST LOVE THAT VIDEO SO MUCH.
IT HAS EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKED THAT VIDEO?
DONALD TRUMP.
IT'S TRUE.
I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP.
TRUMP RETWEETED IT WITH THE COMMENT, "GREAT JOB, JUST IN
TIME!"
GOT A LOT OF TIME ON HIS HANDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CAT'S GOT A LOT OF TIME ON HIS
HANDS.
>> Jon: GOT A LOT OF TIME!
>> Stephen: I AGREE, MR. PRESIDENT.
I THINK WE CAN ALL RELATE TO THE STORY OF A DANGEROUS,
OUT-OF-CONTROL THING BEING STOPPED JUST IN TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SOMETHING TO TAKE HIS MIND OFF THE NEWS THESE DAYS, BECAUSE
THIS UKRAINE SCANDAL IS MOVING FASTER THAN CHALUPA THROUGH A
GOOSE.
( LAUGHTER )
ON TRUMP'S INNER CIRCLE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "DON AND
THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> THAT CALL WAS PERFECT.
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN NICER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS AGAIN.
THE FIRST TOP TRUMP OFFICIAL IMPLICATED IN THIS IS ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND CANNIBAL AT A SUMMER CAMP, BILL BARR.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP PRESSED AUSTRALIA'S LEADER TO HELP BARR INVESTIGATE THE
MUELLER INQUIRY'S ORIGINS.
YES, TRUMP WANTS ANY INFORMATION THE AUSTRALIANS CAN GIVE HIM.
(AS TRUMP) "HELLO?
KANGAROO JACK, YOU GUYS ARE 14 HOURS IN THE FUTURE.
WHAT DID I TWEET TOMORROW?" WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
AM I IN TROUBLE?
HELLO?
IT'S JUST A FINGER."
AND THE ATTORNEY GENERAL IS PART OF THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL EVENT.
IN FACT, "CURRENT AND FORMER INTELLIGENCE AND LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICIALS HAVE EXPRESSED FRUSTRATION AND ALARM THAT BARR
IS TAKING SUCH A DIRECT ROLE IN RE-EXAMINING WHAT THEY VIEW AS
CONSPIRACY THEORIES."
BILL BARR IS TRAVELING THE WORLD TRYING TO PROVE THAT ALL OF
TRUMP'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE TRUE.
HE'S GOING TO FIND OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
HE'S GOING TO FIND ALL THE PEOPLE THAT ALIENS ABDUCTED FROM
TRUMP'S INAUGURATION CROWD, AND FINALLY BRING HELP TO HURRICANE
RAVAGED ALABAMA.
DID THE HURRICANE--
AUSTRALIA IS JUST THE TIP OF THE CRAZY-BERG HERE, BECAUSE BARR
ALSO REACHED OUT TO BRITISH INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS.
AND LAST WEEK, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL TRAVELED TO ITALY, WHERE
HE MET WITH SENIOR ITALIAN GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.
REALLY?
ITALY?
EITHER BARR IS ON A WORLDWIDE COLLUSION TOUR, OR HE'S ON A
JOURNEY OF MIDLIFE DISCOVERY CALLED "EAT, PRAY, LIE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NEXT DOMINO ABOUT TO FALL, SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO,
SEEN HERE SMELLING "THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN."
( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY?
WE LEARNED THAT POMPEO TOOK PART IN THE TRUMP-ZELENSKY PHONE
CALL.
HE WAS ON THE LINE.
HE WAS ASKED ABOUT IT 22 WEEKS AGO AND HE PLAYED DUMB.
I MEAN, LIKE "I THINK SOMEDAY PEOPLE WILL FORGET I WAS A
WILLING PART OF THIS ADMINISTRATION" DUMB:
>> I WANT TO TURN TO THE WHISTLEBLOWER COMPLAINT.
"THE WALL STREET JOURNAL" IS REPORTING THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP
PRESSED THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE EIGHT TIMES TO WORK WITH RUDY
GIULIANI TO INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN'S SON.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE CONVERSATIONS?
>> SO, YOU JUST GAVE ME A REPORT ABOUT A-- I-- WHISTLEBLOWER
COMPLAINT, NONE OF WHICH I'VE SEEN.
( LAUGHTER )
JUST GAVE ME A REPORT FR FROM TH I-- OOP.
ELEVATOR GOING DOWN.
ELEVATOR GOING DOWN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABOUT-TO-LOSE-POWER TRIO IS TRUMP LAWYER AND MAN SHOCKED TO
FIND OUT HE'S STILL WELCOME ON T.V., RUDY GIULIANI.
YESTERDAY, HOUSE DEMOCRATS SUBPOENAED GIULIANI TO PRODUCE
DOCUMENTS IN THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY.
IN THEIR ATTACHED LETTER, THE CHAIRMEN OF THREE HOUSE
COMMITTEES MADE CLEAR, "OUR INQUIRY INCLUDES AN
INVESTIGATION OF CREDIBLE ALLEGATIONS THAT YOU ACTED AS AN
AGENT OF THE PRESIDENT IN A SCHEME TO ADVANCE HIS PERSONAL
POLITICAL INTERESTS BY ABUSING THE POWER OF THE OFFICE OF THE
PRESIDENT."
WELL, DUH!
( LAUGHTER )
GIULIANI'S TRAMP STAMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
EITHER-- HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS?
>> Stephen: LOOKS GOOD.
WHAT'S WRONG?
GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.
EITHER GIULIANI TURNS OVER THE DOCUMENTS, OR HE RISKS
OBSTRUCTION CHARGES.
SO LAST NIGHT, HE WENT ON FOX NEWS TO CONSIDER HIS OPTIONS.
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M WEIGHING THE ALTERNATIVES.
I'LL KIND OF, LIKE, GO THROUGH IT.
I'LL GET ALL OF MY EVIDENCE.
I'LL GET MY CHARTS.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY WOULD LET ME USE VIDEOTAPES AND TAPE
RECORDINGS THAT I HAVE, IF THEY WILL LET ME GET SOME OF THE
EVIDENCE THAT I GATHERED.
>> Stephen: (AS GIULIANI) "YES, IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER THEY
LET ME PRESENT ALL THE EVIDENCE: THE CHARTS, THE VIDEOTAPES, THE
BALLS OF RED TWINE I USE TO CONNECT RANDOM NEWSPAPER
CLIPPINGS ON THE CORK BOARD IN MY BASEMENT-- WHICH IS WHERE I
ALSO KEEP MY JARS OF URINE THAT SPEAK TO ME IN THE NIGHT.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, SEAN, THEY ARE PISSED!"
GIULIANI--
NOTHING LIKE GIULIANI.
THAT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE MAYOR GIULIANI, 100%.
MORE LIKE GILL FRED GODFREY.
GIULIANI CONTINUED TO RAIL AGAINST JOE BIDEN, AND THEN HAD
A WARNING FOR THE OTHER SIDE: >> WAKE UP, DEMOCRATS.
YOU ARE COVERING UP CORRUPTION, AND BY THE TIME IT IS OVER, YOU
ARE GOING TO BE THE PARTY OF CORRUPTION.
I PROSECUTED CORRUPTION, DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.
I CAN SMELL THIS.
>> Stephen: (AS GIULIANI) "I CAN SMELL THIS, AND YOU CAN
SMELL IT TOO, BECAUSE I YANKED THIS CORRUPTION STORY STRAIGHT
OUT OF MY KEISTER."