Just got married.
Just got married again.
This is my second marriage. This one gotta work.
I fucked that first marriage up.
I fucked it up.
This one gotta work.
Know how much alimony and child support that’d be?
I would have to get hit by a second Walmart truck.
And a Doritos truck.
And a FedEx plane.
Heard you could make a quiet 20 million off a FedEx plane.
If you survive with all your faculties and limbs and shit.
That’d be messed up if you was just a torso and a head.
Your friend carry you around in a Gucci bag on his back.
“Yo, take me to the beach, man.
Put me where the bitches be.
If it get too hot, I’m gonna go, ‘Ooh!’
That mean come get me.”
You’re just a torso with a chinchilla on.
Y’all will know if I ever go broke.
Y’all hear about me.
Ridin’ on the turnpike,
dressed in all black on a ten-speed.
“There goes that news van again.”
I fucked that first marriage up, man.
I fucked it up, man.
Just too much drinking.
Too much drinking.
I remember my first DUI.
The cop gave me a line test
and I kept stepping on his shoe.
And I said, “Move your foot, motherfucker!”
He didn’t think that was funny. He took my black ass to jail.
My second DUI, they didn’t even give me a Breathalyzer.
I just sat in the backseat my goddamn self.
I know how much I drank.
I had two Long Island Iced Teas
and three Incredible Hulks.
Let’s go.
I read myself my own Miranda rights.
You have the right to remain--
Then I waived them.
Then I beat the shit out of myself just for being black.
They made me go to AA meetings.
That shit was depressing.
One motherfucker stood up at the meeting and said,
“Alcohol made me burn my house down.”
Another fucker stood up and said,
“Alcohol made me want to kill myself.”
I stood up and said,
“You motherfuckers are a bunch of liars.
That wasn’t alcohol. That was crack.”
Alcohol don’t do that to you.
When I’m drunk at the club, all I wanna do is
pull my dick out on the dance floor and sing.
♪ She came from somewhere back in her long ago ♪
♪ She had a place in his life ♪
They made me do community service.
But the fucked-up thing about that,
nobody wanted me in their community.
They want to see you on TV.
Don’t want to see your black ass in nobody’s backyard...
peein’ in their shrubs.
“Who’s that in Jim’s backyard
peeing in the shrubs drinkin’ a 40?”
“That’s Tracy Morgan from Saturday Night Live.”
“If the nigga pee in these shrubs,
that’s gonna be Tracy Morgan from Saturday Night Dead.”
My wife is strong. She’s a strong woman.
She showed me her strength. She’s strong.
As a woman, you would have to be strong
to have a motherfucker with a face like this on top of you.
I look like a cross between Wesley Snipes and Biz Markie.
I remember the first time I had sex with my wife
after the accident.
I came hard.
I mean, I came hard. Like in high school.
I came hard.
Remember in high school, you’d come hard and shit?
I had a William Tell dick.
I could knock an apple off your head from right here.
Remember in high school, your dick got hard--
that high school hard-on?
You could break brick with that dick, goddamn it.
But when you get in your 40s and 50s,
you’re playing semipro now.
She gotta suck your dick for two hours
just to get you semi-hard.
Her nose start bleeding, mascara running.
She gotta dislocate her jaw like a boa constrictor.
“You need help.”
And, ladies, when you’re making love, spit on his dick.
Spit on it.
Spit on that dick.
I love when a woman spit on my--
Spit on it like you hate it.
Call it a racial slur.
“You Czechoslovakian son of a”--
Goddamn it.
Spit on that fuckin’ dick.
“You Ecuadorean mother”--
“You Mexican immigrant puto”--
Please, spit on that dick, goddamn it.
Spit on that fucking dick.
I’m an older man now.
So being intimate with my wife now, you know,
is different, you know.
Before sex, I gotta pull out a black tool bag.
Inside the bag is a Zorro mask...
a vibrator, some spare batteries and an apology letter.
“What’s the apology letter for?”
“You’ll see.
You’ll see.”
I don’t care who you are here.
If you’re a couple, keep fucking.
You got to.
Keep your relationship hot.
’Cause if y’all live together and y’all not fucking no more,
y’all are nothing but roommates.
Don’t let her start that headache shit.
’Cause they always start with that.
“I got a headache.”
“Yeah, well, you’re gonna have a headache
with this dick up in you, goddamn it.
I drive that truck all week.
I spend good money in here, goddamn it.”
Fuck all that headache shit.
“You need a Bufferin, goddamn it?
You need a Bufferin?”
You gotta keep it hot.
I don’t care if you’re 90 years old.
You stick that foreskin up in her.
I don’t care if you got one hump left.
Goddamn it, here.