-Live from the Trump Hotel in Washington, D.C.
it's the first annual Fake News Awards.
Now, here's your host, the world's most stable genius,
President Donald J. Trump!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.
Fake, fake, fake, definitely fake, loser,
fakest loser.
Welcome to the Fake News Awards, which are totally real,
unlike the really fake news, which is fake and not real.
[ Laughter ] For real.
This is the first annual Fakies, and thanks to my diet,
it's also the 30th annual SAG Awards.
[ Laughter ]
I'd like to start by sending my thoughts and prayers
to Hawaii, which is definitely not
an s-hole country.
It is a fantastic, fantastic country.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say,
I hope Moana is okay.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
It's great to see you all.
There are literally billions of people here tonight --
Billions.
So many familiar faces out there -- Willem Dafoe,
it's fantastic to see you.
Can you make the face that every woman makes
when I enter a room?
That's fantastic.
Hugh Jackman is here. I hated your movie.
Everyone knows that I'm "The Greatest Showman" on Earth.
Tough crowd.
It is a tough crowd.
Anyways, seeing all of you
and the rest of lame-stream media here
is fantastic. I especially love your pins
that say "Time's Up" because that's what I said
to all my cabinet members after three days.
[ Laughter ]
Now, before we start, I'd like to make a toast.
Everyone, raise your glass of Diet Coke.
Here's to you for being so fake.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, let's give out our first award.
Isn't it a beautiful award?
[ Laughter ]
Like all my products, it's covered in 100% real fake gold,
and was made in China.
Our first Fakie is for Fakest Cable News Network,
and the nominees are...
...CNN.
And the winner is...
[ Laughter ]
Who would've seen this coming? ...CNN!
[ Cheers and applause ]
CNN refused to be here tonight to accept this award.
So instead, I'm gonna roast all their loser anchors.
Jake Tapper? More like Fake Tapper.
Boom, roasted. Next.
Wolf Blitzer? Fake news, fake name,
and let's be honest, probably a fake beard.
Roasted. Next.
Anderson Cooper, who do you think you are,
sexy Mike Pence? Roasted.
[ Laughter ]
Moving on, here now to present the award
for Failing-est Newspaper is my beautiful wife, Melania
and my incredibly intelligent Secretary of Education,
Betsy DeVos.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Don't touch me and don't talk to me.
[ Laughter ]
-Melania, you look fantastic.
-Thank you.
This is my wedding dress.
-Hi! I'm Betsy DeVos. And I'm Melania Trump.
How are you, Betsy? I'm fine. How are you, Melania?
Hmm, not so good.
-What is wrong with you, Betsy? You are reading my lines.
My God, no wonder our kids are such dumbasses in school.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. So, the nominees
for the Most Failing-est Newspaper are...
"The Washington Post"...
-"New York Timmys."
-That's the winner, that's the winner.
The winner is the failing "New York Times."
-I love "New York Times."
It's fun to color in the crossword puzzles.
-All right. Thank you very much.
"New York Times" also refused to be here tonight,
so accepting on their behalf is this trash can.
Now... [ Applause ]
...it is time for the "In Memoriam."
This is the part of the show where we look back on
all the people who are no longer in the White House.
-Oh, my dream come true. -Someone cut her mic.
Roll the tape. Roll the tape.
[ Soothing music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What is this for? Is this a tie holder?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, wow.
A lot of people have lost their jobs.
But you know who hasn't lost their job?
Me.
Which is why I'm awarding myself
the Donald J. Trump Lifetime Achievement Award
for being President of the United Shersh.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe this is happening!
I really wasn't prepared for this.
Uh -- I'd like to thank, quickly, Fox News, KFC,
Diet Coke, golf, McDonald's, and Fox News.
Thank me. Thank me so much.
I like me. I really like me.
If you're watching, go to bed, Eric!
Ivanka, Don Jr., and girl Don Jr.,
it's past your bedtime.
-We'll be right back with the Fakies,
featuring performances from Jackie Evancho,
3 Doors Down, and a special duet
from Jackie Evancho and 3 Doors Down.
[ Laughter ]