i believe a lot of my clients and women on i heart love academy are actually
sabotaging their relationships they're sabotaging it and keeping it from unfolding and happening
because there's a couple of characteristics that they're doing that they can't really
seem to get on top of but remember that in order for things to change on the outside of your life
in order for you to have those results you want on the outside you must change the inside and
we're not talking about like you hey you have to make all these changes for a man these changes
are for you if you want the relationship if you want the happy marriage if you want to really
attract and keep that high quality man these changes begin with you now if you're watching
this video in the first place is probably because you have discovered you're in your
masculine energy in the relationship and masculine energy when you're with a man you actually end
up competing with him and so it drives them away it causes problems it causes arguments
look it's something i have to work on every single day in my marriage which is being in my
feminine energy and not trying to control the outcome not being the boss of the relationship
but at the same time having my boundaries knowing what feels good and right for me
and being able to express that with warmth and not make my guy feel like he's wronged and he's shamed
anyway i'm gonna go over it in this video so sit tight let's let's go deeper into this the first
thing is do you blame someone else when you're not happy it is the one of the easiest human things to
do is that when we're not happy we look to what is outside of us to make us feel better but also
to blame it and take it out on that person place or thing and again this work begins within you
and so much of this is about having accountability for your own happiness your own wellness
and taking care of yourself happiness is totally possible but it begins with you
it begins and ends with you and the thoughts you're thinking and the decisions you're making
so i know this is something big that you need to really take a little while to understand
but all of your feelings begin with a thought they begin with a thought it starts off with
a circumstance you're going through something your guy doesn't call your guy is quiet when
he comes home from work or he doesn't want to cuddle up with you after dinner
or something like that you're not feeling some closeness so it starts with some circumstance
but that's actually usually neutral it's not the circumstance that matters it's the meaning
we apply to that circumstance that matters and so at some point we make a thought we have a judgment
that is good or bad about that circumstance and then we have a feeling so the first thing
i want you to start to do is just notice where am i making judgments where am i coming up with these
feelings and these thoughts what am i thinking what am i thinking because i don't want you to use
feeling statements which is getting in touch with your feeling body i don't want you to use that as
a way to make the man feel like he's responsible for every negative feeling that you're having
when in fact you are responsible for your feelings you've got to choose your feelings here i want you
to just begin to examine that the next one is about disappointment and expectations it never
fails at least once a week we receive an email over at help everhartcoaching.com where someone
says i'm so disappointed i signed up for the free ebook and it didn't arrive in my inbox or
i'm so disappointed my programs failed to load on my tablet or my phone or whatever it is and
disappointment is really a parental term and it's a mindset that things outside of me are supposed
to work without fail or i feel disappointed and when you tell someone i'm disappointed in you
how did it feel if your parents ever said that to you it feels horrible you feel like you've
got your hands tied behind your back because how can i correct your disappointment you can't
you can only come to someone and say hey this isn't working and it would feel so good if it
worked i want you to carry that home when you get the inclination to say i feel disappointed about
this i want you to turn it around to here's what would feel so good to me it would feel
so wonderful to have this this way and make it about you what you're feeling instead of it would
feel so good if you did this and you did that and you made this happen it feels so good when we get
home if you get home safe to get a little text and know that everything's okay it feels really
good to me it feels so good that to get a good night hug and kiss before bed what do you think
it feels so good to be together and cuddle a little bit after dinner what do you think is
that okay with you how does that feel for you so you see how you're coming from a place of
instead of i'm so disappointed you didn't call i'm so disappointed you didn't let me know
i'm so disappointed you're able to actually make it about you and how you want to feel we're taking
something negative we're taking essentially fear and we're turning it into love because behind
disappointments it's always fear it's always some sort of fear that something's out of our control
someone's not doing us right something is leaving us abandoning us not working and we are the victim
that's what disappointment is about extract that from your vocabulary trust me on this one you'll
begin to have a lot better attitude and energy around you men really have a difficult time
disappointing a woman knowing that she's having a negative sensation in her body because of them
being shamed blamed or guilted they absolutely break down now that doesn't mean that you can't
have boundaries and you can't have conversations about things that are really troubling you are
bothering you in the relationship but we're not going to come at it from a parental way which is
disappointments and asking questions like why did you do that why did you say that or why didn't you
do this disappointments why take them out of your vocabulary especially when you're talking to your
man so often our expectations are really high i actually had a girl in i heart love academy write
in and say that she had previously chatted with a man and told him her top five favorite movies
yet when he invited her over to watch a movie he asked her what sort of movie would you like
to watch and he didn't remember the movies that she had said and he was not a high quality man
those expectations are unbelievable they're absolutely unbelievable it's as if men
need this superpower to be able to love and meet your expectations i'll tell you what it really is
it's your saboteur a lot of my clients have a saboteur on board that are just nitpicking
and finding anything wrong they can with a man and saying you're not high quality enough if
you loved me you would know this you would have the answer for this you would remember
and the truth is is that men are not as sharp as we are they're sharp about a lot of things they're
great at a lot of things they actually aren't as good at certain things as we are we have an
extra leg on our chromosome we can do a lot more than they can however they are awesome at solving
problems they are fantastic at physical labor they are really good at protecting and defending
they have this attitude to them that it has a fearlessness to them you know men i always talk
about how if somebody rings your doorbell at 3 am we'll call 9-1-1 a woman will call 9-1-1 a woman
will get really scared and not answer the door a man will get up half asleep in his underwear
and answer the door they don't care a man will go over to someone's house and use their bathroom
and leave the toilet lit up they don't care they're in this different world of of claiming
their territory marking their territory and being fearless we just don't operate from that
place so if you're looking for a man to walk this fine line of perfection and not disappoint you
because of your expectations you're going to fail every time men are human just like you are
and we've got to be able to roll with them when they don't get it right so they can roll us
when we don't get it right most of the things in the domicile we get right things that happen
in and around home staying on top of dates making things happen in the house making
sure everyone's fed we are pros at this they are pros at a whole another realm
so you have to understand we're separate we're different look at your expectations
look at your disappointments and begin to notice what is this trigger where are my triggers where
my guy is triggering me what how did guys trigger me in the past a big one for me was
having to repeat myself i cannot stand to repeat myself to a guy and men are like hyper forgetful
you can say something to them and they will forget it literally 20 seconds later they'll forget it
and you want to know why because they cannot process two things at once so if they're pouring
you a glass of wine and you tell them something they're not going to get both done right
they'll give you the glass wine but what you just said they'll forget so i want you to just
begin to understand men do not work the way the female brain does is the female brain superior
in a lot of ways it is but i don't want to go dig a ditch i don't want to build a bridge
across a highway i always pass these people on the highway these hard-working construction
working men on the highway i'm going you know 75 miles an hour maybe faster and they're out
working by the highway i don't want to do that i don't want to answer the doorbell at 3 a.m
i don't want to be the person who is on the other phone either end of the phone with my husband
when someone has kind of done us wrong and he has to call and make it better i don't want to talk
to him he can get things done like i wish i could get things done or corrected that's for them to do
so when you learn your feminine energy and how you really are in this place of receiving and
boy energy is all about controlling the outcome controlling the expectation and having these
standards that are just so immaculate for man how much he makes how he's dressed what his shoes
look like what he smelled like all these things i mean don't get me wrong you might want a guy that
dresses nice you might want a guy who always has great smelling breath and always remembers to call
and always knows to put the toilet seat lid down those are wonderful things to desire but chances
are if you really want a strong masculine energy man you are not going to get those things until
you can kind of retrain him with your feminine energy and this is where the female brain really
does begin to excel past the male brain so when that happens you have to ask yourself
if i'm aware if i do x he'll do y you begin to understand how feminine energy works
you can stop sabotaging your relationships instead of believing that you need to succumb to him and
do for him and placate him and you know somehow say the right words to him if you understand
that you actually don't have to come from that place but just know what works know that positive
feelings positive regard spoken from your body is what works with men it is
what activates them accepting them as they are no judgment no harsh criticism no shaming no
blaming i know it's really tough just the other day i had something happen with my husband where
one of my elder cats i had noticed he had uh he had came up to me during yoga my little cat did
and i noticed he had like some little something that felt like little scabs on his neck while i
was petting him and so my husband's right at the door the cat comes to the door and i go
don't let him out i need to check his fur and my husband opens the door and lets the cat out
and this is what men do and i said why did you do that why did you let the cat out i
just told you guys i'm sorry i'm sorry i forgot and i'm like what did you forget i just told you
and i went to say one other thing and jeff got a little angry i could tell and i was like you
know i'm just gonna give this up it's not worth it i can go track down my cat anytime and check him
he's clearly okay it's not worth really hurting my guy over are men sensitive absolutely they
are so sensitive to feeling inferior dumb stupid not of high value i mean men are constantly in
competition with each other so ladies i want you to take from this video watch it again see
how often you're putting these things into your relationship and see if you can't begin to do
something different you can activate your feminine energy but it begins with yourself it begins with
what is going on on the inside of me authentically and that will begin to affect the outside of you
my last tip i want to leave you with is that i want you to just really begin to visualize
how you do want things in your life now how did anybody ever get to the moon someone had to write
it down on paper they had to visualize it they had to somehow plan this out and see it in their mind
and that's what i want you to do i want you to see your happy marriage see your happy union see you
and your partner getting along everyone's deciding to leaf blow all at once in my neighborhood
but i want you to spend some time there doing what feels good to you see that happening in your world
and then you can make it happen it has to start with you first all right ladies i hope this
video has been helpful for you if you want to go deeper i really recommend you start with my ebook
500 ways to talk to a man and i also have a program called FEMM Tools for Marriage and
Relationships check them out and i look forward to reading your comments below much love bye-bye