I've been trying to get in shape.
Ooh!
You guys, I went to the gym today.
Oh-ho-ho!
Man, I'm going inside tomorrow, but, uh...
I had to find it first, dude!
It's right next to my McDonald's. I had no idea.
It's hard. It's hard--
You ever realize how hard it is to get in shape?
Because everything costs money.
It's expensive to get in shape.
Everything costs money. Workout clothes are expensive.
You guys, I went to a store called Lululemon.
Now I know why they lose weight.
They can't afford to buy food after they buy that shit!
It's insane!
If you don't know what Lululemon is,
it's a store that sells workout clothes
for people who don't need to work out.
Like, they're thin.
I went into the store, right? Guess what I found out.
I'm too fat to fit into their workout clothes.
I'm too fat to work out?
I have to lose 20 pounds before I can start working out.
But I didn't wanna leave empty-handed, right?
So I starting looking around for anything that fit, right.
I'm like, "Where the hell are your headbands?
You don't have headbands?
You don't have wristbands?
You don't sell key chains? They don't sell key chains here!"
Finally, I found a sports bra that kind of fit, right?
Kind of fit. Like, if I light a candle and pray....
Like I can put it on.
I can put it on.
You know like when you try clothes on and they fit,
but then you don't know how you're gonna get them off?
"I need scissors." Like that, right?
I looked at the price.
80 bucks.
80 bucks!
I was like, "80 bucks?
For 10 bucks, I can go to Home Depot
and hire a day laborer to hold them up when I go jog."
"Ándale, Pepe."
It's expensive!
I keep trying to work out, but I don't think I wanna work out.
I always say the same thing. "I am gonna start on Monday."
And then Monday comes, I eat a doughnut,
and I'm like, "Damn it!
Now I gotta wait till next Monday!"
I can't start on Tuesday!
It's insane.
I recently bought the Zumba DVDs.
Now, there's a Zumba DVD set that comes with maracas.
It's like the little weights, right? So you can keep
the beat along with them. You know? Like...
The other day, you guys, I popped it in.
Oh, I wish you had been there, man.
Oh! You guys, I was killing it, you guys. Like...
I was, like, sweating. I was like
"Oh, my God. That must have been 20 minutes."
Four minutes. Four minutes. Four.
Four. Four.
Four. Cuatro.
I got tired, right? I go into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
There's a bag of popcorn right next to it.
I'm like, "Oh, my God. That looks so good."
So I pop the bag of popcorn
and go back into the living room with my popcorn and my water,
and the DVD's playing.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm working out!"
So what do I do?
I sit down and I watch the DVD like it's a movie! Like...
"I love Zumba."
And you can't just work out, either.
You gotta eat healthy food.
You know? Healthy food is expensive, you know.
And that's bullshit because poor people can't afford it.
I hate that, you know?
I can't stand that.
You know, people don't realize, when you grow up poor,
you don't learn how to eat right,
because it's not about eating right, it's about eating.
People don't get that.
When I was a kid, I was raised on McDonald's
because that shit was like, cheap, you know?
I mean...
Single mom, McDonald's.
Dude, the McRib came back more times than my dad,
you know what I mean?
I say that in every city in case he's out there.
Back when I was growing up, you could feed a family of four
back in the day for, like, 20 bucks.
Family of four, 20 bucks.
But if you wanna make a salad at home, boom, $1,000.
I went to Whole Foods.
My God, that store should have layaway.
What the fuck are we doing at Whole Foods?
I walked in. They're like, "Can I help you?"
I'm like, "No, I'm just here to visit my tomatoes, thank you.
I think I'm gonna get them out next week. I'm really excited.
I'm buying eggplant. They're checking my credit."
I started walking around the store. They were having a sale.
Ooh!
A sale at Whole Foods.
Six bucks for a pint of strawberries.
Because they're organic.
Six bucks. I was like, "Ho-ho-ho-ho!
That's a lot of money, man. I'm sorry.
For that much money, shit, you'd better show me
a picture of white people picking that fruit."