>>> Jimmy: YOU CAN SEE OUR NEXT
GUEST WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT
AT THE COMEDY STUDIO IN
CAMBRIDGE.
MAKING HIS TELEVISION DEBUT,
PLEASE WELCOME CASEY CRAWFORD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M SO LONELY.
ANYBODY ELSE LONELY?
[ ONE CHEER ]
JUST ME?
I'M SO LONELY -- THE OTHER NIGHT
I WAS DOWNTOWN TALKING TO A
HOMELESS GUY, AND HE WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I GOTTA GO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
YOU GUYS LIKE TO HAVE FUN?
PRP
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
LAST HALLOWEEN, I WENT AS THE
GUY WHOSE WALLET I FOUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS, PEOPLE COME UP TO ME
IN THE WOODS ALL THE TIME AND
ASK ME IF I WORK THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER ONCE GAVE
ME A PIECE OF ADVICE.
SHE SAID, "IF YOU'RE NOT A
STUDENT, THEN YOU NEED TO
LEAVE."
SEEMS LIKE THAT WAS JUST
YESTERDAY.
YOU GUYS, ACCORDING TO MY
FITBIT, I DID ABOUT THREE MILES
WORTH OF SCISSOR KICKS LAST
NIGHT DURING MY NIGHT TERRORS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE OTHER DAY AN ATTRACTIVE
YOUNG LADY ASKED ME IF I WANTED
TO GO TO A MOVIE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT MOVIE, WHAT
TIME?
I'M LIKE, YOU PICK.
SHE'S LIKE, YOU PICK.
I'M LIKE, YOU PICK.
SHE'S LIKE, YOU PICK.
I'M LIKE, YOU PICK.
SHE'S LIKE, YOU PICK.
I'M LIKE, YOU PICK.
SHE'S LIKE, YOU PICK.
AND SHE'S LIKE, SIR, THERE ARE
OTHER PEOPLE WAITING IN LINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE HARDEST PART FOR ME ABOUT
GOING TO A LASER-LIGHT SHOW IS
TRYING TO GET ALL MY CATS TO SIT
STILL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I RECENTLY BUILT A TIME MACHINE
FOR ONE OF MY CATS.
SENT HIM BACK IN TIME TO TRY AND
KILL HITLER'S CAT.
DID SOME RESEARCH AFTERWARDS AND
FOUND OUT HITLER NEVER EVEN HAD
A CAT.
SO, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, I
GUESS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
CALM DOWN, YOU GUYS.
I'M 38 YEARS OLD, YOU GUYS.
I'M GETTING OLD.
IT'S WEIRD GETTING OLD.
LIKE, I CAN WATCH AN ENTIRE
PORNO AND THE WHOLE TIME JUST BE
THINKING, "I BET THAT PIZZA'S
GETTING COLD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S WEIRD GETTING OLD.
I'VE BEEN WITH MY OLD LADY
14 YEARS NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
14 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO BE
WITH ONE PERSON, YOU KNOW.
IT IS.
AT THIS POINT FOR US, HAVING SEX
IS A LOT LIKE TRYING TO MOVE A
LARGE PIANO INTO A SMALL HOUSE.
IT'S GONNA BE A LOT EASIER IF I
JUST PAY TWO HIGH SCHOOL KIDS TO
DO IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THANKS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO SEE THAT
FITBIT, WHERE IS IT?
WELL, THAT'S CASEY CRAWFORD,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, CASEY.