WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL... HAPPY MARDI GRAS, EVERYBODY!
ALSO KNOWN AS FAT TUESDAY, AND I THINK IT'S TIME WE STOP SHAMING
DAYS OF THE WEEK. [LAUGHTER]
TUESDAY CAN'T HELP IT, IT'S ALL THOSE TACOS!
AFTER HIS SURPRISE VISIT TO KYIV YESTERDAY, TODAY JOE BIDEN WAS
IN POLAND, WHERE HE GAVE A FIERY SPEECH DEFENDING DEMOCRACY TO
MARK THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE.
OF COURSE, THE TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY IS
PAPER, SO BIDEN GAVE UKRAINE 460 MILLION ONE DOLLAR BILLS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TODAY, PUTIN HIT BACK AT THE
WEST IN RUSSIA'S STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH.
THEIR STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH IS JUST LIKE OURS, EXCEPT THE
SPECIAL GUESTS IN THE BALCONY PLUNGE TO THEIR DEATHS.
[LAUGHTER] THE WORLD WAS WATCHING CLOSELY,
BECAUSE THE SPEECH WAS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM TO PUT THE
BEST SPIN ON HIS DISASTROUS INVASION.
ONE YEAR AGO, PUTIN THOUGHT THE WAR WOULD ONLY LAST A FEW DAYS.
BUT CLEARLY, HE MADE A MISCALCULATION IN THE RATIO OF
[BLEEP] AROUND TO FIND OUT. [LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] PUTIN CLAPPED BACK AT THE WEST
BY ANNOUNCING THAT RUSSIA WILL SUSPEND ITS PARTICIPATION IN THE
"NEW START" NUCLEAR ARMS CONTROL TREATY.
HOWEVER, THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT HAD ALREADY
DETERMINED THAT RUSSIA WAS NOT COMPLYING WITH THAT TREATY.
SO THEY'RE GOING TO "OFFICIALLY" BEGIN TO STOP DOING WHAT THEY'VE
PREVIOUSLY ONLY BEEN PRETENDING NOT TO DO.
[LAUGHTER] IT'S LIKE A KID ON HIS 21ST
BIRTHDAY SAYING TO HIS PARENTS, "AND NOW TO FINALLY TRY THIS
"AL-KY-HOL" I'VE HEARD SO MANY TERRIBLE STORIES ABOUT."
IF YOU THINK IT'S SAFE, I WILL. WE'VE ALSO GOT THREATS TO
DEMOCRACY RIGHT HERE AT HOME. SPECIFICALLY, SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE, AND FIRST SUCCESSFUL BUTTHOLE TO MOUTH TRANSPLANT,
[LAUGHTER] KEVIN MCCARTHY.
YOU SHOULD HEAR THAT BOY WHISTLE.
[LAUGHTER] LIKE A BIRD, JUST LIKE A BIRD.
YESTERDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT MCCARTHY HAS GIVEN EXCLUSIVE
ACCESS TO 41,000 HOURS OF CAPITOL SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE
FROM THE JANUARY 6TH RIOT TO TUCKER CARLSON.
NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T GIVE THIS FOOTAGE TO TUCKER CARLSON!
EVER SINCE JANUARY 6TH, HE'S REPEATEDLY DOWNPLAYED THE
VIOLENT ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL AS "VANDALISM" AND "A FORGETTABLY
MINOR OUTBREAK BY RECENT STANDARDS."
YEAH, NO BIGGIE. I THINK ALL OF US WILL ALWAYS
REMEMBER WATCHING IT ON TV AND THINKING, "THIS IS FORGETTABLE."
PLUS, THIS IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE. THE FOOTAGE WILL REVEAL
SENSITIVE SECURITY INFORMATION, LIKE CONGRESSIONAL ESCAPE ROUTES
AND SECURE HOLDING AREAS AND WHERE THE CAMERAS ARE.
BUT, KEVIN MCCARTHY CLEARLY THOUGHT ALL THIS THROUGH, AND,
AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, HE CALMED HIS WORRIED COLLEAGUES
WITH THIS STATEMENT HE MADE TODAY:
BEST SPEECH I'VE EVER SEEN HIM GIVE.
TUCKER'S PRODUCERS ARE ALREADY --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TUCKER'S PRODUCERS ARE ALREADY
EDITING THE MOUNTAIN OF FOOTAGE FOR SHOWS NEXT WEEK, AND HE
CLAIMS HE'S DETERMINED TO GET TO THE TRUTH, SAYING: "BY
DEFINITION, THIS VIDEO WILL REVEAL IT."
NO. BY DEFINITION, 41,000 HOURS OF
FOOTAGE CAN BE EDITED TO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.
LOOK AT THESE GOOD SAMARITANS REPAIRING THAT WINDOW WITH A
SHIELD! [LAUGHTER]
AND NOW THEY'RE PEACEFULLY LEAVING THE CAPITOL.
COULD EVEN MAKE THE Q SHAMAN SEEM PEACEFUL:
[SOUND EFFECT] >> Stephen: BUT HEY, IF HE GETS
TO DO IT. SO CAN WE.
WHICH IS WHY I TOOK WHAT SEEMED LIKE 41,000 HOURS OF FOX NEWS
FOOTAGE TO REVEAL THE TRUTH ABOUT TUCKER CARLSON:
>> "GOOD EVENING. I'M TUCKER CARLSON.
I BEHAVE LIKE A JERK BECAUSE I AM A JERK.
EVERYONE HATES ME. MY SHOW IS A
REAL PROBLEM IN AMERICA. I AM A RACIST.
I AM A SMALL, BACKWARD HERMIT. AND I ALSO EAT DOGS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: THE WORST PART OF
THIS IS THAT TUCKER DOESN'T EVEN BELIEVE THE LIES HE'S PEDDLING
ABOUT JANUARY 6TH. LAST WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT FOX
NEWS STARS AND EXECUTIVES PRIVATELY TRASHED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S ELECTION FRAUD CLAIMS.
EVEN THOUGH CALLING THE ELECTION RIGGED WAS FOX'S BREAD AND
BUTTER! THIS IS LIKE IF I HAD A PRIVATE
DIARY THAT SAID, LORD OF THE RINGS "SUCKS!"
"LOL WHAT'S A "BILBO?" [LAUGHTER]
LIKE IF I DID NOT CARE IF BALROGS HAVE WINGS OR NOT.
IT'S A LONG STORY. THESE REVELATIONS CAME COURTESY
OF DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, WHO FILED A MOTION IN THEIR "$1.6
BILLION DEFAMATION LAWSUIT AGAINST FOX NEWS FOR FALSELY
CLAIMING THEY RIGGED THE 2020 ELECTION."
$1.6 BILLION! EVEN FOR RUPERT MURDOCH, THAT'S
A LOT OF CASH. HE MIGHT HAVE TO GO ON THE AIR
AND SELL REVERSE MORTGAGES. [LAUGHTER]
SOME OF THE MOST DAMAGING TAX COME FROM A CHAIN BETWEEN TUCKER
CARLSON, SEAN HANNITY, AND LAURA INGRAHAM, IN WHICH THEY
REPEATEDLY INSULTED AND MOCKED THE EXPRESIDENT'S ADVISERS,
INCLUDING RUDY GIULIANI. EVEN FOX THINKS HE'S A JOKE.
THAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING NEWS ABOUT RUDY TO LEAK SINCE
RUDY LEAKED. [LAUGHTER]
GOT THERE. OLDIE, BUT A GOODY.
ONE OF THE MAIN SOURCES OF THE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER
AND MOM WHO TOOK AN EDIBLE BEFORE SHE WENT TO SUNGLASS HUT,
SIDNEY POWELL. IN THE WAKE OF THE 2020
ELECTION, POWELL APPEARED ON FOX NEWS AND FOX BUSINESS AT LEAST A
DOZEN TIMES TO PROMOTE WILD LIES ABOUT DOMINION VOTING MACHINES.
SO THE NETWORK ASKED FOR HER SOURCE.
AND, SIDNEY POWELL, WHEN PRESSED FOR EVIDENCE, FORWARDED A MEMO
ENTITLED "ELECTION FRAUD INFO." WE ALL KNOW THE BEST SOURCE OF
INFORMATION IS "EMAIL FORWARDS." THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I LEARNED
THE "101 WAYS THAT CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN."
THE MEMO WASN'T WRITTEN BY POWELL, BUT HER SOURCE WAS
IMPECCABLE. THE MEMO'S AUTHOR CLAIMS TO KNOW
THAT DOMINION WAS THE COMMON THREAD IN ALL IRREGULARITIES.
HOW DID SHE DISCOVER THAT? ACCORDING TO HER:
SHE GAINS INSIGHTS FROM EXPERIENCING SOMETHING "LIKE
TIME-TRAVEL IN A SEMICONSCIOUS STATE."
[LAUGHTER] OH MY GOD, SHE CAN TIME TRAVEL?
[LAUGHTER] MAYBE SHE CAN FIX ALL OF THIS BY
GOING BACK IN TIME TO STOP BABY RUDY GIULIANI FROM TRYING
MERLOT! [APPLAUSE]
TWO RUDIES. IT GETS WEIRDER THAN TIME
TRAVELING IN A SEMICONSCIOUS STATE.
THE MEMO'S AUTHOR WRITES, "WHO AM I?
AND HOW DO I KNOW ALL OF THIS? I'VE HAD THE STRANGEST DREAMS.
I WAS INTERNALLY DECAPITATED, AND YET, I LIVE."
"YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF, HOW DID I GET HERE?
AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
YOU MAY SAY TO YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT MY INTERNALLY DECAPITATED
HEAD!" ELSEWHERE IN THIS MEMO -- WHICH
I REMIND YOU IS THE SOLE SOURCE OF SYDNEY POWELL AND FOX NEWS'S
DOMINION VOTING MACHINE LIES, WHICH DIRECTLY LED TO THE ATTACK
ON THE CAPITOL -- THE AUTHOR SAYS, QUOTE, "THE WIND TELLS ME
I'M A GHOST, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT."
OF COURSE, YOU CAN'T TRUST THE WIND!
EVERYONE KNOWS THE WIND BLOWS. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE A THING THE
WIND SAYS TILL YOU VERIFY IT WITH EARTH AND FIRE.
WHEN SIDNEY POWELL FORWARDED THIS MEMO TO FOX BUSINESS ANCHOR
MARIA BARTIROMO, BARTIROMO HAD A VERY LOGICAL REACTION TO GETTING
A PACKET OF INSANE LIES: SHE SHARED IT WITH THE PRESIDENT'S
SON, AND REPLIED GLOWINGLY TO POWELL, "I JUST SPOKE TO ERIC
AND TOLD HIM YOU GAVE VERY IMPORTANT INFO."
"THANKS MARIA TONY-ROMO! I GOT THE MEMO AND I KNOW IT'S
VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN DEFINITELY READ IT!
UNRELATED QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SWALLOW A PAPERCLIP?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD! CAN I HAVE A HUG?"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE PINK AND
STAR OF THE NEW "ANTMAN" AND "CREED" MOVIES, JONATHAN MAJORS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US. ♪ ♪