I recently came across the term /emotional blackmail/, in a book of the same name by
Dr. Susan Forward, and I think it’s a very powerful concept.
And unfortunately, it’s a reality that a lot of people deal with.
So I’m gonna explore the concept in my own words.
What is emotional blackmail?
And why does it happen?
As always, I’m gonna explore these ideas through a dialogue.
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The following is a conversation between a monk (M) and a student (S).
M: If you wanna thrive, protect yourself from emotional blackmail.
S: What’s emotional blackmail?
M: Emotional blackmail is when someone else makes you responsible for their feelings.
And if you don’t do what they want, they use obligation, guilt, and fear to pressure
you into doing it.
S: Hmm…
I think I know what you’re talking about, but can you give me an example?
M: If you don’t do what someone wants, they may threaten you.
“Do what I say or else…”
That’s regular blackmail.
But emotional blackmail is closer to someone saying, “make me feel good, or else I’ll
make you feel bad…”
For example, if you don’t do what a parent, or a friend, or a partner says, they may refuse
to talk to you until you do what they want.
They’re letting you know, “if you don’t take responsibility for my feelings and make
me feel good, I’m gonna make you feel bad about it.”
Or they may threaten to harm themselves, or stop eating, or stop working, or “get sick”,
or “be depressed”, and they’ll make you feel at fault for all of it.
They make themselves feel bad and then claim you’re the reason why.
They hold your feelings hostage, and they use your empathy and compassion against you.
S: You always tell me that if I wanna understand an action, I need to understand the belief
behind it.
Well, what are the beliefs behind all of this?
Why would someone choose to blackmail someone else?
And why would someone allow themselves to be blackmailed in this way?
I don’t understand.
M: Those are good questions.
Let’s start by looking at the blackmailer.
Fundamentally, the blackmailer is entitled.
They believe that others are responsible for their feelings.
They believe others must act in a way that makes them feel good, rather than taking responsibility
for their own feelings.
S: Oh, that actually makes a lot of sense.
What about the person who let’s themselves be blackmailed?
Why do they allow that?
M: The blackmailer refuses to take responsibility for their own feelings, but the blackmailee
is the exact opposite: they take responsibility for feelings that aren’t their own.
While the blackmailer wants everyone around them to act a certain way, the blackmailee
wants everyone to feel a certain way.
While the blackmailer feels entitled, the blackmailee feels like they owe a debt.
While the blackmailer passes judgements, the blackmailee is always looking to be positively
judged.
They take the judgments of other people very seriously.
If someone says to them, “you’re a very selfish person,” they believe it immediately.
They think, /am I selfish?
I must be selfish!
Why would someone say that if I wasn’t?
Oh god I’m such a bad person.
I need to fix this right now./ While the blackmailer wants everyone to serve them, the blackmailee
wants to serve everyone.
They wanna be liked and approved by everyone, and they’ll do just about anything to get
it.
While the blackmailer believes what they say is the truth, the blackmailee believes that
what others say about them is the truth.
And while the blackmailer’s mind is dominated by taking, the blackmailee’s mind is dominated
by giving.
S: Hmm…
I’m starting to understand how these relationships come about, but it sounds like the blackmailer
needs the blackmailee and the blackmailee needs the blackmailer, right?
So what’s wrong with that?
M: I’m not going to say there’s anything right or wrong with it, but let’s take a
look at where it leads.
A relationship like that is based purely on power, not love.
It’s mutual slavery, governed by domination and submission.
And when a relationship is based on power, there’s no intimacy.
Intimacy arises when two people understand each other, are free to express their desires,
and mutually satisfy one another.
But a relationship dominated by emotional blackmail is always one-sided.
One person’s desires are always subordinated to the other’s.
And there are other effects on each party too.
The blackmailer becomes more and more delusional about their own entitlement, and they pin
their entire happiness on the actions of someone else.
Because they consider others to be responsible for their feelings, they are never in control
of their own feelings.
Meanwhile, the blackmailee becomes more and more hollow as a person.
As they sacrifice their own desires for someone else, they start to lose themselves.
They don’t even know who they are anymore apart from the person they serve.
Ultimately, the blackmailer is a slave to the actions of others, and the blackmailee
is a slave to the feelings of others.
Both parties aren’t free.
S: I see.
But it sounds like you said there’s another type of relationship: one based on love, not
power.
Why do some people not succumb to emotional blackmail?
M: Because they are sovereign.
S: What does that mean?
M: A sovereign person realizes that they’re responsible for their own feelings and desires.
No one else can have ownership over their feelings, their desires, their thoughts, their
speech, or their actions.
They are the sole proprietors, the only owners, of their own bodies.
It’s their natural birthright.
They recognize that their body is a kingdom, that entire lineages and futures are contained
within it, that it holds undiscovered works of art, theories, and inventions that are
waiting to be shared with the rest of the world, that it has been entrusted with great
resources that can benefit all of mankind, and they alone are the ruler of that kingdom,
the spokesperson, the one that must govern it, manage it, speak for it, nurture it, and
see that it thrives.
And as an extension of this, they realize that they’re not responsible for the feelings
or desires of anyone else.
And when you bring two sovereign people together, they can make the conscious choice to help
each other meet their desires.
They can create an alliance between two kingdoms.
Through truthful speech, they can open up to each other about what they want and deeply
understand one another.
And they can help each other get what they want, and that’s intimate, and that’s
deep, and that’s a relationship built on the foundation of love, not power.
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As I said in the beginning, I recently came across the term /emotional blackmail/, and
I really wanted to explore this concept in my own words and help popularize it.
I originally came across it in the book /Emotional Blackmail/ by Dr. Susan Forward which I highly,
highly recommend if you, or someone you know, is dealing with emotional blackmail.
It goes into depth about how to identify it and how to deal with it.
If that’s something you’re interested in reading, I’ll leave a link to the book
in the description below.
As always, this is just my opinion and understanding of emotional blackmail, not advice.
Feel free to use this information however you like, and if you have a different take
on it, I’d love to
hear
your perspective in the comments.