Hey, yeah, it's Phil the Pharmacist.
Yeah, I'm a giraffe.
I have a long neck, I can reach the pills.
Shut up, don't judge.
Anyways, speaking of judge, my dad,
he was like, "Why don't you go to med school, Phil,
"like the smart kids?"
And I'm like, "(beep) you, Dad."
Okay, first of all, I took the MCAT, I crushed it.
I don't wanna be a doctor, they're (beep)holes.
I mean, not all of them.
Okay, Dr. Jones is an (beep)hole.
That (beep) calls me all the time,
he's like, "Hey, I wrote ProAir and you gave Albuterol."
And I'm like, "(beep), they're the same thing.
"Also, (beep) you."
You know, Dad was like, "(beep), why can't you
"be like Geoffrey.
"He's so (beep) rich."
I'm like, "He worked at Toys"R"Us.
"He was their mascot, of course he's rich.
"You know what now he is, though?
"Dead by suicide, 'cause he knew (beep)
"about the Clintons."
(Tom laughing)
And if you go work at Toys"R"Us,
you roll in one of those high circles full of pedophiles,
Clintons are gonna get involved.
(Tom laughing) It's just a matter of time,
it's a matter of time.
Anyway, so like I said, I'm a Pharmacist.
I went to four years of school.
I know drug interactions, I know Pharmacology.
I know (beep) the doctors don't know.
I know (beep) the nurses doesn't know.
And yeah, I said "doesn't",
because what I didn't do is major in English,
'cause English is for idiots.
Okay, people who learn English, okay, that aren't Mexican,
they can (beep) themselves. (Tom and Logan giggle)
I know a lotta (beep), and I used to do inpatient pharmacy,
I used to deal with Blanche, that nurse on 4West,
who's like, "Hey man, my Pyxis isn't pixelating."
I'm like, "Shut up, Blanche. (laughter)
"First of all, you have one patient, okay?
"Take a chill pill.
"I've got 40 patients, I gotta do (bleep),
"and I gotta calculate, so I gotta make sure
"the chemo's correct, (beep) splashing in my eye,
"dude, I got vincristine in my eye.
"You see this eye?
"Yeah, I can't see this eye, because this eye is blind,
"because a vincristine splash, okay?
"(beep) gets real in my world, so Blanche,
"you can (beep) wait a couple minutes.
Yeah, now all the nurses are gonna get mad,
they're gonna send ZDogg messages.
"How dare you?
"Our pharmacist is a piece of s**t."
It's like you know, I thought you mother (beep) were here
to talk about team work, alright?
And speaking of team work, we're the last touch point
of patients, like, doctors do their (beep)
at the five minute visits 'cause they're busy,
nurses are like, "Get out of my hospital."
Who they're gonna see?
They're gonna see Phil the Pharmacist, man,
and they're pissed 'cause they had a bad experience.
So, what's happening?
They're coming up to Phil, and they're like,
"You know what, Phil?
"Stick 'em up, this is a mother (beep) robbery."
And they're pulling our their (beep) little Glocky McPistol.
(laughs) And I just laugh, I just laugh in their face.
(laughs) Like, "(beep)!"
You remember that scene in the Dark Knight
where he goes, "Do you know who you're
"trying to steal from, okay?
"Do you know Jimmy Walgreens, okay?
(all laughing)
"That's mother (beep), (grunts) he will (beep) you up, okay?
"He has put holes the size of the Statue of Liberty
"in little old ladies who came in here
"trying to steal some Dulcolax, okay?
"He doesn't give a (beep)!"
Sometimes you got to flex on these hos, (laughter)
you know what I mean?
Anyways, so Doc, this is the thing though, man,
if you don't write it out clear, man,
the patients like, "What's Alprazolac?"
And I'm like, "Alprazolam is the benzodiazepine
"that your Physician is recommending."
And they go, "But I want Xannies, (beep)!"
I said, "This is the same as Xanax, it's just the generic."
"No, but I want that good Xannie,
"you know, those Xannie bars?"
"First of all, I'm not your doctor, thank (beep) god."
(Laughter) Nobody wants to do
that residency (beep), okay?
I make 70% of what the mother (beep) makes,
and all I have to deal with is some mother (beep)
going, "Give me that (beep) that Lil Wayne takes!"
That's the thing, people don't realize
Pharmacists don't take any (beep).
We make it look like we're taking (beep).
People complain, they're like, "I waited 15 minutes
"for my Dilaudid!"
And I'm like, "(beep), you waited 20 minutes
"for you Starbucks (beep)-a-cino, and the person making that
"doesn't even have a high school education.
"I went to four years of school,
"and I got 400 patients, (beep).
"And no, you can't use your Starbucks card here
"to pay your (beep)."
Speaking of which, I'm not, I am not playing
these insurance games anymore, alright?
Okay, three letters, PBM, they can (beep) themselves.
(laughs) They are the worst, man.
It used to be like we were Finding Nemo,
like I was a Community Pharmacist, I had my practice,
there was Nemo's dad, there was Nemo, "Hey, little Nemo!
"Are you constipated?
"Here's some MiraLAX for you.
"Hey, Nemo's dad!
"Viagra, 'cause I know what's up!
"Hey, Nemo's mom, you free later?
"Hey! (Laughter)
Call up Dr. Jones, "Dr. Jones, hey man, how's it going?
"Yeah, Nemo's here.
"Anyways, he's constipated again, his dad's impotent,
"and his mom's a ho.
"Yeah, it's just Tuesday!"
We all knew everything, right?
Then what happened?
A shark swam into the coral neighborhood.
That shark was called PBM, with a side of UnitedHealth,
with a little bit of Optum, a side of CVS and Walgreens,
right, and what happened?
Ate the (beep) out of Nemo's mom right there, Nemo's crying,
Nemo's dad's neurotic as (beep), "Oh, I gotta protect Nemo!"
And next thing I know, I'm working at Costco like a (beep),
happy that I'm getting a $1.25 cheese slice,
which is the same price the other mother (beep)
have to pay, alright?
(beep), I'm better than this!
That's the thing, I'm way better than this.
Everybody knows that, except for my dad,
'cause he's a punk-ass (beep).
You know what?
Geoffrey's dead, I'm alive, okay?
I have needs, I'm here, Geoffrey's not here.
I know you're still mourning Geoffrey, you know what?
But he died by suicide,
suicided by the Clintons.
He knew too much.
(all laugh)
Think that people think they're better than me?
Okay, so I'm put way in the back in the Target Super Center.
F***ing Humberto the Optometrist is in the front.
Why is he in the front, and they put me in the back?
This is like some Rosa Parks-level (beep), man!
I'm gonna stand up, I'm gonna start slinging pills.
I'm a legal drug dealer, (beep), enjoy yourself.
I'ma start slinging pills from the front,
and Humberto can suck a (beep) in the back
with his f***ing, "Number one or number two?"
Shut the (beep) up, Humberto!
(man laughing)
By the way, this Medimoji episode
is sponsored by Warby Parker.
Warby Parker, building frames in really boring designs
that are overpriced for Millennials since 2018.
(All laugh) Warby Parker.
Everyday, man, these old ladies come in, and they're like,
"Can I take this with a martini?"
And I'm like, "It says right there on the label
don't do that (beep)."
And they're like, "Okay, bye (laughs)."
(man laughs)
One, it doesn't matter what I say, man,
but at least I say it 'cause I'm doing my part,
'cause we're here to educate, we're here to connect,
and we are a team.
And I practice at the top of my game,
and my game is tall, look at this neck.
Look at this neck.
I'm the last defense against madness, right? (laughs)
'Cause some of these patients, uh uh,
not playing with a full deck.
Like the other day, this guy came up to me, he's like,
"Hey, hey, Phil!
"Fill my perscription!"
I'm like, "Here you go.
"Now remember, you don't take these with milk,
"because it chelates...
"Nevermind, just don't take it with--"
"Okay, man, but so if I take it after midnight,
"will I turn into a gremlin?" (Laughter)
"Okay, that was a movie, Bobby,
"that was a movie from the '80s.
(Laughter) "There aren't gremlins,
"I mean, not that have been confirmed by science,
"although there are theories. (Laughter)
"There aren't gremlins, you don't--"
"Okay, also, why was Ronald Reagan
"selling arms to the Contras?"
"Billy, Bobby, now I don't even know your name
"'cause your dementia is spreading.
"It is not 1986, this is not the Iran-Contra scandal, okay?
"This is some Trump thing, who know what it is?
"Tomorrow, it will be some other crap.
"All I know is that the Clintons are killing mother (beep)
"left and right." (all laughing)
[Tom] That's the ending, right there.
That's the (beep) ending, right there.
(all laugh)
(sultry R&B music)
- Don't test me, (beep).
I've been working at Walgreens for 10 years,
I'm dead inside.
(man laughs)
(beep) not even kidding.