Kids,
put your phones down and stop perving on TikTok girls.
Let me tell you the story
of the space underwear model,
Thor Swole-inson.
After almost preventing his friends from saving Earth,
Thor pulled a Christian Bale
and dropped a life-threatening amount of weight
in a very short period.
After which, he, ironically,
reclaimed his heavyweight title.
These hands were once used for battle.
Actually, that’s a lie -
they were used MANY TIMES for battle.
But now they’re humble tools for peace and gardening.
Let’s see if we can propogate some more Groots!
I need to figure out
exactly who I am.
No matter how many people I have to kill with my battle hands.
DIE!
Mjolnir!
Ah, me ol’ Mjolnir is near!
Mj-- Mjolnir?
Mjolnir!
Mj-- Mjol-- Mjolnir!
Come on now - don’t play hard-to-wield!
Get--!
Where are you going, you piece of-- !
JANE???
This hammer - I swear to myself.
Ugh, my crazy ex.
Haven’t seen her since she dumped me, via text.
Now she shows up without notice, completely hammered,
to a battle with mutual enemies that’s been planned for weeks,
and she’s modelled herself to look exactly like me!
I mean...
How the heck am I supposed to interpret that?
I mean...
She looked great, obviously -
strong and muscly and…
blonde...
No! NO!!!
It’s too weird!!
What has it been, like, three, four years?
How…
dare you!
I’ll have you know, I’ve had many sexual partners since you.
I knock ‘em down like a wrecking ball!
"Dry spell", my arse!
I meant three or four years since we’ve seen each other.
Oh.
Well...
We should... make an effort to... shorten the time between catch-ups.
I was gonna suggest the exact opposite.
Understood.
Am I, uh, sensing feelings?
Such as?
Rejection, shame, humiliation.
Your senses are very finely attuned.
My name is Gorr.
And I’m very proud to be…
your local God Butcher.
Can I interest you
in a prime cut of deity?
I’ve got Sigyn sirloin,
Balder briskets
or maybe some Modi mince.
This my vow:
You’ll never taste a piece of meat so divine.
Ewwww!
Oi!
Where do you think all your god meat comes from, eh?
They were bred for this purpose.
So take your vegan piety
to some other realm, yeah?
It’s just my first bad guy.
Everyone I’ve killed up until now has been decent and virtuous.
Then why’d you kill them?
Practice.
You are not like the other gods I’ve killed.
You’re more free-range.
Yeah that’d be the Bifrost.
Really gets you around.
Everything looks like a nail!
My turn!
Oh, Stormbreaker sucks!
I wish to revert to my previous operating weapon.
Let’s see who you are.
I take off your disguise.
And... flick!
You flicked too hard, dammit!
Should we help him?
There’s no helping that.
Grape?
Well I can’t now.
Uh, no worries.
I will simply suck the garments back onto your body.
And... suck!
Nobody move.
This is all salvageable product.
And as I always say,
the best time to cut meat
is just after it’s been “Thor’d”.
Thank you so much for watching.
Please use your incredible powers for good and share, like, comment and subscribe.
You’ll have our love.
And our thunder.
I... don’t know what that entails, but…
you’ll have it.
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Jane and I will hammer out the details.
It’s actually "Mighty Thor" now.
Sorry?
My name. Mighty Thor.
Oh YOU’RE Thor now?
Well what does that make me - Jane??
You can be Jane if you want.
It’s available.
OK, I...
guess I’m Jane.
You realise by calling yourself “Mighty Thor”, you’re basically saying that I’m UN-Mighty Thor?
No - I’m just differentiating.
So call yourself "Additional Thor" or "Alternative Thor".
“Mighty” feels like a direct, personal attack.
It’s not an attack.
Oh, OK then. Well I’m changing my name to
“Brilliant Jane”.
How’s that? You like that?
I think it suits you.
Shut up!