[Plain]
I need to know your story with Farrah.
Farrah and I have been friends since second grade.
Nothing's happened between us.
Stacey, you look so different.
You know I got my nose done.
It's cute as a little button. And so natural.
I forgot what your old one looked like.
-Farrah-- -Oh, right.
It had a little bump right here.
-Why do you hate Stacey Moorehead? -I have my reasons.
-[Will]
My dad's making out with Stacey Moorehead's mom.
So our real water goes here on the left
and our loaded stuff on the right.
Would you like a flavored water?
I can have my volunteer here grab you one.
-Is that what I think it was? -Told you she wouldn't be easy.
What are you gonna do about it?
I guess give her a cut.
[Farrah]
but all these people actually believe
that these friendships are gonna last forever.
They won't. Some have a term limit
that expires when their friends go to college,
-but most of these friendships won't even last that long.
Some fizzle out after a bunch of little cuts,
while others die from one big gash.
That's why betrayal hurts so much.
It can't come from an enemy. It can only come from a friend.
But despite all the drama, there's always that one friend
who will have your back no matter what.
You weren't waiting for me. Having a rough morning?
Try gross morning.
Pretty sure my parents had morning sex,
in the shower, before I used it.
-[laughter] -Where's Plain?
Doing all kinds of everything but.
[siren wails]
Oh, we got a 624 in progress, vehicular dry humping.
[imitates radio static] I'm gonna check this out
for a potential blue-ball situation.
You better not be lying to me.
Open the back there, please.
What's in the box?
Wait, what's happening?
You're under arrest.
-What's he taking? -Looks like Hook's laptop.
What?
Hey.
What did the cops take?
-Gummies. -Candy?
-Weed gummies. -How many did he have?
-Only like five or six. -That's still possession.
-What does that mean? -It means he's fu--
[feedback interrupting dialogue]
♪ In a manner of speaking ♪
♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all ♪
An arrest for possession is huge.
What college is gonna take him now?
Did the cop give a reason as to why he came up
to the car in the first place?
What?
I mean, it just doesn't make any sense.
A cop comes up to a legally parked car
and decides he needs to look in the trunk?
Plain's boyfriend just got arrested.
Can you maybe cool it with the Olivia Pope imitation?
Sorry.
It's gonna be okay, Jane.
Why
I mean, he went there immediately.
He had to know something was back there already.
You think somebody narced on him?
Can you think of someone
with a good reason to take Hook down?
[marching band plays]
-Don't. -Farrah?
Shit.
What's up?
I just wanted to let you know that I had nothing
to do with what happened in the parking lot today.
I don't recall saying that you did.
I know, but I've been watching you,
and I know how you think.
Just because you're biting off my style
and chatting up the Janes doesn't mean
-you know how I think. -This isn't exactly
It's a little derivative, don't you think?
Okay, aren't all styles a little derivative at this point?
-I'm sorry, why are you here? -Let's just go, Farrah.
I had nothing to gain from getting Hook arrested.
Oh, nothing? You already made a play
at his share of the snack bar business.
Seems like with him gone, you could have the whole till.
This isn't corporate America, Farrah.
It's high school.
This is a lot to handle before 8:00.
I'm gonna be late for homeroom.
[soft scoff]
Three...
two... one.
[Stacey]
I mean, sh-- she's not really on the screen.
I saw a lot more than what's on the video.
Just turn it off.
So... what do we do?
I honestly have no clue.
Look, I have to tell my mom.
I think that you should tell your dad.
We can't be the ones to tell them.
I mean, it's one thing to get caught cheating by your spouse,
but it's so much worse if the shit storm
-is created by your own kids. -I know.
But I can't sleep in my house with my dad at night
knowing that he's doing your mom during the day.
[scoffs]
So...
where does that leave us?
It leaves me muting the audio
and sending it to my mom anonymously.
-Farrah-- -That way, I can stay innocent in all this.
But everything's gonna change.
Look, you can tell your dad any way you want.
Whatever makes it go down easier for you.
This is so screwed up.
Yeah, but at least we're in this together.
Okay, I'll tell him.
[cell phone chimes]
[sighs] What the hell, Cowher?
I swear, the FBI will be here tomorrow.
-No, the DEA. -Either way, I'm freaking out.
Hook supplied the kegs when my parents went to Europe.
I bought stuff from him a lot.
I know, I'm definitely in that laptop.
Man, I need Hook's gummies.
I can't even walk after football games.
Yeah, it's not like a doc is gonna give
a 16-year-old a weed script.
-Man. -This sucks!
With Hook gone and a narc around here,
the party at Ro' High is dead.
Since when do you shower after gym?
Since my parents sullied mine.
-It's a little over-the-top. -Mm, is it?
There's a metal bar in the bathroom that the shampoo
and stuff rest on, and now all I can picture
is my mom just gripping it tightly.
Hook's home.
They just kept him for a couple of hours,
and then they released him to his parents and their lawyer.
Was it possession or selling?
-Just possession, thank God. -That's great news.
Then it'll probably just be a fine.
Possession is still a huge deal.
Every background check, every employer,
every time he wants to rent an apartment.
It stays with him forever. He got arrested.
And expelled, which are two huge blemishes on the college app.
I love Hook, too, and I know he's not Narcos,
but he is kind of a drug dealer.
Yeah, which is why I can't go two steps without some jackass
asking me if their name is on his laptop.
I mean, can you blame them?
Anyone who bought anything from him
should've been shitting eggrolls.
Actually, they still should be.
They kept his laptop.
Why would they keep his laptop?
I don't know.
The schools freaking out that we have a narc,
so I made a list of all the new students in school
and other narcish suspects.
We can split it up and weed them out.
Weed, clever.
Seems like a plan.
Nice narc post.
Way to cause mass hysteria and now a witch hunt.
What is that smell?
-It's an everything bagel. -No, not that.
[sniffs] Oh, so cute.
A new scent to woo Hannah?
Is it store-bought or did you order it off
one of those porn pheromone ads?
Did you come here to bust my balls
or talk about the narc situation?
There is no narc situation,
at least not in a Jump Street,
Channing Tatum-pretending- to-be-a-teen kind of way.
-It's something else. -It's always something else.
Why would a narc go after a kid with a few gummies in his trunk?
What do you want me to do, post something shiny and diversionary
that will shift everyone's attention away from the narc?
No, it's too late. The perception's already out there.
You can't unring that bell.
First you tell me to post what I want,
and now you're pissed at me for doing it.
Fine, post some dumb shit about Sloan Davis's yoga pants.
It could help. And tone down that stench.
[thunder rumbling]
My dad wants to kill me.
Every friend I have is calling
just to find out if their name is on my laptop.
"Friend" in quotes..
Yeah. I'm done. With all of it.
Alcohol, everything. My life is totally fubar.
Your life is not totally fubar.
It's just... temporarily fubar.
We both know that's bullshit.
You brought me a sour apple Blow Pop
when Callie Jackman broke my arm in fourth grade.
You showed up at my house with salted malted caramel
when you found out my dad left.
I know the kind of person you are.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Just came to see Hook. Why?
Hey, babe.
No reason, it's just you didn't mention
that you were coming over here at lunch or anything.
I didn't know I was at the time.
How'd you do with your narc list?
I came up empty. You?
Same.
Well, you have company now.
Better company than me.
So, I'll let you two get to it.
Do you have any idea why the cops
might have kept your laptop?
Don't know.
They're not gonna find anything on it anyway.
You think I'd be stupid enough to put anything important
on a school-issued laptop?
Hmm.
Okay. I'm really going now.
Bye, guys.
I've seen that look in her eyes.
She's definitely on to something.
Why did the cops keep Hook's laptop?
-And who told them about it? -What, no masturbation joke?
Even your own dick would be turned off
by that much body spray.
Okay, what-- what about Hook's laptop?
-It was school-issued. -So what?
So there's no way a cop pulls into a campus lot,
approaches a random student's car,
and asks to look inside the trunk
without someone at the school knowing about it.
Someone? You mean my mom. You're here to manipulate me.
I want to break into her e-mail.
First of all, no.
Because you can't or because you won't?
Because I can't
You don't even have to be here.
I mean, you're on the way to the soccer game
to watch your honey play, right?
You have shoes on.
You never wear shoes in your self-love den.
Hannah's not my honey.
I need you to help me. No distractions.
Plain is at the school right now watching your mom so she can
let us know exactly when she leaves the faculty meeting.
Farrah, I trust you more than anyone, but this is my mother.
Her laptop never has to leave the trailer.
[sighs]
Look, if you do this for me,
I'll tell you how I found out you're The Crotch.
Why is saving a drug dealer so important to you?
Because he's an old friend, and I had a part in this.
I cleared the way for him to do what he does.
You didn't make him sell drugs out of the back of his car.
I know. But he's one of my guys.
Just like you are.
You realize if your e-mail hacker comes here,
then he's gonna know that we-- that we talk.
Yes, I'll deal with it.
Fine. Her laptop is yours.
But I have to see who it is first.
Okay.
She's your hacker?
Don't call me a hacker.
I'm just a chick with a pink laptop.
All right, let's see.
Holy shit!
You want me to break into the principal's e-mail.
Are you sure this won't show that we--
No last login, no digital footprint,
not even a fingerprint, kinda like a ghost.
I am curious, though, about this little arrangement.
What's, uh-- what's in it for you, Cowher?
No arrangement here.
Cowher's locker's been next to mine since middle school.
So, this is just friends helping friends.
All right, yeah, well, this is gonna take a while.
Pretty sure you guys have something better to do
-than stare at me. -Actually, we do.
-We're going to the girls' soccer game. -We are?
Haven't you been paying attention? I support the girls' teams.
Go, I know what I'm looking for.
-Wait, what about Principal Cowher? -Plain's tracking her.
The kitchen door is open.
Put her laptop on the kitchen table
on the orange placemat when you're done.
Orange placemat. Got it. Bye-bye.
Let's go.
Bye.
[keyboard clacking]
[beeping]
[locker closing]
Hit me up the second she leaves.
-[Plain]
We were just friends a minute ago.
Now I can't be seen with you?
You wanna walk in with me? Fine.
That won't send mixed signals to Hannah at all.
Goodbye.
[music playing]
I just don't get how everyone
lets her push them around like that.
Look, I feel like I've known Farrah the longest
other than Hurley, and I know it sounds crazy,
but she's not an awful person.
How could you of all people say that?
She's horrible to you.
-It's fine, I can take it. -You guys were best friends
like last year, and now she looks at you
like she wants to claw your eyes out.
She may not be the most forgiving person, and, yeah,
she walks around like she owns the place,
but I don't know, she's good to who she's good to,
if that makes sense.
God, you still defend her. What did you do?
It's complicated.
You selling any special waters?
I told you, Farrah, I was not
and I'm still not after Hook's business.
Oh, yet you asked for a cut.
It's just a facility fee.
I'd never actually sell the stuff myself.
A facility fee. [laughs] Okay, Grace.
[scoffs]
-Farrah, wait. -Yes?
Grace had nothing to do with the Hook thing.
Uh, it's not enough for her to tell me twice?
She had to get you to vouch for her, too?
Sorry, but you're not exactly the most trustworthy voucher.
Farrah, listen--
I don't trust you, and I never will trust you.
You have Farrah Lite over there,
so why don't you go hang out with her.
Did you have a nice family dinner last night?
-Because I sure didn't. -I know. I'm sorry.
We made a deal to do it together.
I sent my mom the video, and you did nothing on your end.
-I know we made a pact-- -No, you broke a pact.
And now my world is in pieces
while your family is totally fine.
Listen, my dad lives for my mom, okay?
So I have to deal with knowing what I know
every time I see them together,
but that's something I'm willing to do.
You betrayed me, and that's bullshit.
But it is really insulting that you're trying
to get sympathy from me for being a snake.
Well, if it pisses you off so much,
you have the most obvious way to make me and my family
-as angry as you are. -Are you really asking
why I don't send your mother and father the affair video?
God, you don't know me at all.
[sniffling]
[cell phone rings]
[Plain]
Perfect, thanks, I'll call you later.
Wait, you think whatever you're doing
-is going to help Hook?
-Are you okay? You sound--
[whistle blows]
One goal, one assist.
I wish I'd drafted you on my high school
girls' soccer fantasy team.
That's a joke, by the way.
Probably a creepy one, at that.
It was creepy-adjacent, at worst.
Well, you seem very, um, at home on the field.
Yeah, it's where I feel like my favorite me,
-if that makes sense. -It does.
Whenever I'm in a place where I feel like I have a purpose,
I'm a totally normal person
who does not tell creepy-adjacent jokes, like, at all.
Um, so...
would you want to hang out sometime with me?
Yeah. That sounds good.
Great. [chuckles]
[cell phone buzzes]
The faculty meeting must have let out early.
-So you better hurry.
One last transfer.
I'm gonna grab Cowher and head out.
-[car approaches] -Shit, she's here.
I'll meet you at the place.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
-[computer bleeps] -Yes.
You're going on a date with Ilo's sister.
How'd you finagle that?
Talked about things we have in common.
-That's what people do. -Like anxiety stuff?
Some, why?
You only know about that stuff because of Chadwick's tapes.
Kind of pervy, don't you think?
It's a gray area.
Besides, you're all about leveraging information.
-Not to get laid. -So you're above it now.
Or are you just that way
when it's about me and anyone other than you?
It's so cute when you think I'm jealous of your love life.
Wait till you see what I got. Here, check this out.
There's a whole e-mail thread between your mother,
Superintendent Moorehead, and someone named Cerberus.
That's a three-headed dog that protects the gates of hell.
Yes, I know, I took mythology in sixth grade, too.
Sorry.
So this whole back-and-forth is about them
hiring this Cerberus hack to track down The Crotch.
And were they successful? Did they find The Crotch?
Um... doesn't seem that way.
What does this have to do with Hook?
This is from Cerberus.
"Closing in on The Crotch. Not there yet.
But to prove I'm worth the hire,
here's some others polluting your school."
And then there's a whole bunch of PDFs
-with students' names on them. -Shit.
All the PDFs contain photo captures of kids
doing illegal stuff or cheating or something bad.
Let me guess, Hook's is the largest of them all.
All photos of him selling.
These photos all look like they were taken inside his garage.
How could they possibly get photos of him inside his garage?
Every photo in these files was taken from laptop-cam POV.
The school-issued ones.
Cerberus has been watching us and telling the administration.
It's a huge invasion of privacy.
We need to leak this to The Crotch.
Oh, and your mother got home too fast,
so I left her laptop in your trailer.
What?
Sorry.
[door opens, keys jangle]
What are you doing here?
She didn't notice. It's fine.
That was a close call.
I can't keep doing shit like this.
I was there the day you opened your locker
and found the drive and letter from last year's Crotch.
How did you know what it was?
It was wrapped in, like, a paper bag.
'Cause I opened it the day before.
Whoever The Crotch was, they asked me first.
-And you said no? -It came with a letter
that said if I didn't want the responsibility to hide
the package behind the "C" encyclopedia in the library.
-So I did. -But I didn't.
It was just a coincidence
that I saw you pull out the same package.
You don't believe in coincidence.
Believe me or don't.
This is a scandal.
My mom could lose her job if we expose this.
I told you I would never screw you, and I won't.
Let me talk to Jayne, okay? This stays between us.
So you know, my mom is a good person,
-and she's good at her job. -Yeah, I know she is.
Even though she did hire a guy basically to find me.
Yeah, that's definitely a problem.
We'll figure that one out later.
Look, I-- I know how it feels
to discover something you didn't want to find.
Especially about your parents.
I know you do.
[Farrah]
this violation of students' rights
will not be a headline,
nor will it be leaked to any press
so long as you cease this practice
and reverse the expulsion.
We have eyes all over. Sincerely, The Crotch."
[class bell rings]
So, did your parents turn it out in the shower this morning?
[chuckles] I wanted to talk to you about that.
I realized I was being a little tone deaf
with my parents' thing given what you're going through.
-No, it's fine. -No, it's not.
I should be happy that they're in love and... showing it.
Thanks for saying that, but you don't ever
have to feel like you have to censor yourself around me.
I like your brand of crazy.
[laughs] Here comes Gabe.
[Farrah]
those laptop pics ever surfaced was because Principal Cowher
hired someone to find The Crotch.
You left this in my trailer.
Thank you.
For everything.
And in the end, the only thing saving Principal Cowher
from a full-on Spygate scandal
that could have destroyed her career
is that The Crotch is actually one of her people.
Really, her main person.
[telephone rings]
[Man]
-Lieutenant Hunt?
I have Principal Cowher on the phone for you.
So, the cops dropped the charges
because of illegal search and seizure.
Principal called my dad and reinstated me, too.
Completely out of nowhere.
Yep. Completely out of nowhere.
Thank you. For whatever you did.
We all have our people, the ones we'd fight hard for,
-the ones that we trust.
Hey. Do you have any special water?
We only have two left.
Might as well get rid of them.
[boy] Yeah...
Twenty bucks.
That was easy.
♪ When the sky is falling ♪
♪ I will pick it up again ♪
♪ If I hear you calling... ♪
We have our people that we know if it ever came down to it
would fight just as hard for us.
I don't know what you did for Hook this week, but you're my hero.
It's nice how you protect yours.
Having your friends' backs, and them having yours,
that's all that matters.
That's everything.
♪ If I hear you calling ♪
♪ I will be the one to stand ♪
♪ I won't give up, won't give up ♪
♪ Won't give up to find a better way ♪
♪ When the sky is falling ♪
♪ I will pick it up again ♪
♪ If I hear you calling ♪
♪ I will be the one to stand ♪
♪ I won't give up, won't give up ♪
-♪ Won't give up... ♪
Music featured in this episode of
♪ Climb the wall brick by brick ♪
♪ We'll jump off ♪
[indistinct techno mix lyrics]
[vocalists singing in French]