( APPLAUSE )
BAND, EVERYBODY, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
KEEPING IT HUMAN OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
JON, I-- I AM INTERVIEWING A MAN TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AN INCREDIBLY TALENTED ACTOR, A-- A AVATAR OF
MASCULINITY, I BELIEVE.
>> Jon: MMM.
>> Stephen: MR. JAVIER BARDEM IS HERE THIS EVENING.
>> Jon: RIGHT IN THE BUILDING.
RIGHT HERE IN THE BUILDING.
>> Stephen: INCREDIBLY TALENTED.
IN THE NEW MOVIE "BEING THE RICARDOS," AND ALSO "DUNE."
I MIGHT ASK HIM A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT "DUNE."
I MIGHT HAVE TO.
LEGALLY I THINK I HAVE TO ASK HIM A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT CAN
THE DUNE."
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO RESPOND.
I'LL JUST ASK HIM THE QUESTION AND STARE INTO THOSE EYES.
FOLKS, THE HOLIDAY SEASON HAS BEEN HIT WITH A HOST OF
SHORTAGES, TOYS TO DECORATIONS TO THE LIQUOR YOU NEED TO GET
THROUGH ASSEMBLING THE TOYS AND PUTTING UP THE DECORATIONS.
BUT ONE THING THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF: STUPID RICH PEOPLE
HAVING MONEY.
AND WHO BETTER TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT HOLIDAY CASH THAN
LIFESTYLE GURU AND WOMAN HEARING YOUR ANNUAL SALARY, GWYNETH
PALTROW.
NOW, IT'S DECEMBER 1ST, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: THE GOOP
GIFT GUIDE HAS ARRIVED.
AND, AS EVER, IT'S GOT SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE, FOR YOUR SISTER
WHO LOVES COLONICS; TO YOUR DAD WHO LOVES COLONICS; TO YOUR
MEEMAW, WHO LOVES MAKING COOKIES WHILE SHE GETS A COLONIC.
HERE'S A PEEK AT THIS YEAR'S MOST GOOP-TASTIC GIFTS, STARTING
WITH A VERY SPECIFICALLY PRICED $307 LUXE GARDEN HOSE, THAT'S
ONLY DIFFERENT FROM A REGULAR HOSE BECAUSE IT'S DONE IN A
SOFT, POWDERY GREEN.
SO IT'S TEN TIMES MORE EXPENSIVE THAN A REGULAR HOSE FOR NO
REASON, BUT IT'S PERFECT FOR WATERING THE TREES THAT YOUR
MONEY GROWS ON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW THAT HOSE--
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT HOSE WOULD ALSO BE GOOD FOR?
COLONICS.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S ALSO THIS $1,900 ROSE QUARTZ CHECKERS SET, FOR WHEN
YOU WANT TO SAY, "I'M RICH, BUT I'M ALSO TOO DUMB TO PLAY
CHESS."
( LAUGHTER )
COMPLETE WITHOUT DESIGNER NONSENSE, LIKE THIS $10,500 SLED
BY CHANEL-- INSPIRED, NO DOUBT, BY THE FAMOUS SCENE FROM
"CITIZEN KANE": >> RIP OFF
>> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YO'RE THINKING: "STEVE, IN A TIME OF ECONOMIC UNCERTAINTY,
ISN'T IT TONE-DEAF TO FLEECE PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR HARD-EARNED
MONEY?" TO WHICH I SAY, "CAN'T HEAR YOU
OVER ALL THAT CASH."
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT, I AM PROUD TO UNVEIL THE 2021 GIFT GUIDE
FROM MY VERY OWN COVETTON HOUSE.
♪ BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.
SHABBY ELEGANCE.
GIVE ME MONEY.
COVETTON HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME TO THE COVETTON HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE,
WHERE WE PUT THE CHRIST BACK IN, "JESUS, THAT'S EXPENSIVE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FIRST UP, THIS $804.69 WATERING CAN FINISHED IN A DULL, BROWNY
BROWN.
GREAT FOR ALL YOUR GARDENING NEEDS AND, BY THE WAY, ALSO
GREAT FOR COLONICS.
ALTHOUGH, DUE TO THE SPOUT, YOU'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED A BITE
STICK AND A VERY DETERMINED PARTNER.
( LAUGHTER )
"HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS" SET, THE IDEAL WAY TO TELL YOUR
GUESTS, "I'M RICH AND, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, I'M TOO DUMB FOR
CHECKERS."
NOW LET'S SMASH HIPPO BUTTS.
$4,000.
WE'RE ALSO PROUD TO OFFER UP THIS HEAVY-DUTY YVES SAINT
LAURENT SNOW TUBE, YOURS FOR A SONG AT $25,000.
WITH ITS CLEAN LINES AND BOLD COLORS, IT CALLS TO MIND YVES'
FAMOUS LAST WORDS: "FASHIONS FADE, STYLE IS ETERNAL.
CHARGE WHATEVER YOU WANT FOR THE SNOW TUBE.
I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.
I'M DEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAVIER BARDEM.
♪ ♪ ♪