- Fold this shirt!
- Why?
- When we first got married and you used to fold stuff,
I would think, "How could he be so bad at this?
"Look at all the wrinkles."
And now I know.
You faked it.
- What?
- Admit it!
You faked it so I would do it for you!
- No, no, there was no fake!
- Then explain to me how you can't fold a shirt!
Explain to me how an adult human
with thumbs is not able to do that!
(audience laughs)
- I don't know.
It's embarrassing.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
What else?
What else have you faked?
- Nothing, Debra, come on!
- The bed?
- Now, wait a minute that's one place
I always give a 110%.
(audience screams and laughs)
- I mean making the bed!
In 10 years you haven't made the bed
because, "I'm not good at tucking."
Admit it, you faked it, you faker!
- No!
- What else, Ray, huh?
What else?
You don't do anything in the kitchen!
You don't buy groceries!
Diapers!
(audience laughs)
Three kids and you have changed
like 10 diapers in your whole life!
"I can't do it.
"The diapers keep falling off."
- It's not my fault the kids have no hips!
(audience laughs)
- You gave up the right to make decisions around here
when you stopped takin' any responsibility.
You don't help me at all.
You can't even wash a dish!
- Maybe I'd wash a dish if I didn't have to look
at those repulsive curtains.
(audience laughs)
Well, I mean, the publisher wants to see some stuff
as soon as possible, so the only time I could work on it
would be, I don't know, I guess this weekend.
- Yeah, but this weekend
is our camping trip with the Parkers.
- Aw, aw that's right, that's right.
Hm.
(Audience laughs)
- You want me to go camping without you with all the kids!
Are you insane?
- All right, it's a little extra slack,
I know. - Yeah, listen.
You waste time for over a year
and then you expect me to suffer
so you can finally start getting serious.
What, you don't think I'm gonna suffer?
I'm sacrificing the most precious thing of all,
time with my children, huh?
(audience laughs)
You don't think I got "Cats in the Cradle" playin' up here?
(audience laughs)
- I think you got two monkeys and a yo-yo playin'.
(audience laughs)
- I just looked at what both candidates brought to the table
and I just thought that Bill Parker-
- Bill Parker?
You hate Bill Parker!
- I hate Bill Parker the man!
I just thought that Bill Parker the candidate
had an interesting platform. - Oh, shut up!
I'm your wife!
I don't care if my platform was anti-puppy,
you have to vote for me!
- But doesn't it say in The Constitution that-
- I don't care what it says in The Constitution!
You vote for your wife!
And since when do you know what is says in The Constitution?
(audience laughs)
- I'm not gonna stand here and let you badmouth America.
(audience laughs)
- You voted against me!
- I didn't vote against you.
I love you.
(audience laughs)
I just voted not for you.
I was protecting you!
- Protecting me from what?
- From political backstabbing.
You don't realize that when you're a political figure
you're at the mercy of the people.
And the people, they're horrible.
They stare at your caboose!
(audience laughs)
- I was choking!
- You were coughing, I mean, coughing's not choking.
- I know he makes fun of my cooking.
I wanna know how much of it goes on behind my back.
(audience giggles and laughs)
- He makes fun of it all the time, dear.
(audience gasps)
- That is not true!
That's not completely true, Debra!
(audience laughs)
- What, you bought this?
- Yep.
- You heard me tell the lady on the phone
that we do not need a vacuum cleaner.
- I know, I know, but it turns out we really do.
She showed me all the dirt!
(audience laughs)
- You let her in here?
Wait, wait a minute.
How good-looking was this saleslady?
(audience laughs)
- You know what?
She was quite good-looking.
(audience laughs)
But I'm not afraid to say that
'cause that's how good this machine is.
I would have bought this from an ugly man.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute, Ray.
Why didn't you tell me she came over to apologize,
especially when you knew how angry I was?
(audience laughs)
- Hold on to somethin'.
(audience laughs)
- I told you, you weren't ready to receive it.
I needed to calm you down.
- You needed to calm me down.
It's more like you needed.
(audience laughs)
Oh my God.
(audience laughs)
You're like a sex maniac.
(audience laughs)
- What?
What does that even mean?
(audience laughs)
- He didn't tell Debra because he wanted to get sex?
- Evil sex.
(audience laughs)
- You already asleep?
- Hah, what?
(audience laughs)
- You must be tired.
- Oh, yeah, I am kinda beat, you know,
I just, I gotta lotta stuff
goin' on.
(audience laughs)
Maybe tomorrow.
(audience laughs)
- Really?
- Yeah.
(audience laughs)