Do you want to know how to get kids to accept "no" answers? Well, that is what I have been
teaching for over 2 decades now. I'm Nicholeen Peck. I teach everything related to parenting,
family communication, relationship building. And we learn it all through
the lens of self-government. In this video, let's talk about "no" answers.
Accepting "no" answers is one of the power skills.
Honestly.
The greatest people in the world the people, that are the most patient that have the most
influence are usually the people who know how to accept "no" answers. In this video, we're going
to be talking about what it looks like to accept a "no" answer, how to teach it to your children.
And what benefits they get from that. There are 4 steps to the skill accepting a "no" answer. This
is the shortest one of the 4 basic skills that I teach. So, what are the 4 basic skills? Well,
in the teaching self-government parenting course, I teach 4 basic skills that take care of 99%
of your behavioral problems. Now, this means for adults as well as children. These are life skills.
They're principles which means they are broadly applicable. The 4 basic skills are following
instructions, accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences, and
disagreeing appropriately. In this video, we're discussing accepting no answers and criticism.
To accept criticism, you use the exact same steps as you do for accepting "no" answers. What are
those steps? Step number 1, look at the person. Because you need to create a connection with the
person that you are communicating with. Or maybe it's a situation that gives you a "no" answer.
Maybe somebody cuts you off in traffic. You can't really look at the person. So, you're gonna look
at the situation that just occurred. So, look at the person or the situation. Step number 2,
keep a calm face, voice, and body. Do you know what it looks like and feels like to actually be
the calm version of yourself? You gotta hone in on that. Practice it. Practice the calm voice tone.
Especially if you have a tendency to not use one. Do you see how this is broadly applicable? So,
they need to know what is calm, what is not calm. And they need to practice it.
Step number 3 is say "okay" or ask to disagree appropriately. Which means if somebody cuts me
off in traffic then I say, "Well, okay. That happened." There really isn't much of a way to
disagree appropriately with that person. And I promise you sticking your hand out the window or
honking on the horn real loud doesn't necessarily constitute disagreeing appropriately. Step number
4 is probably the most difficult step. And this is because it really does require a lot of
deliberate thought. You have to use the power inside. Step number 4 is to drop the subject. So,
this means maybe you wanted to go to that party. Maybe you're running late somewhere. You've got
the stress level building up and that person cuts you off in traffic. Then what you need to do if
they do cut you off as you keep calm. You say, "Okay, it happened. And then you let it go." You
drop the subject. You push it away. So, that no longer are you spending your time thinking about
it. Just that step alone decreases people's stress so much. Makes a huge difference. I would like
to show you what some of this training might look like for a child and actually do a role play with
you. But before I do, hit the subscribe button. Do you know when you hit that subscribe button,
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the subscribe button and that notification bell will also make it so that you don't miss any of
the movies that are coming out. This whole skill of accepting a "no" answer or accepting criticism
really does create emotionally strong people. When people are emotionally strong, they can drop
the subject. They can let something go and they can move on. So, how are you going to teach your
children how to do that? It seems like how do you get into somebody else's head and make them drop
the subject. Well, you can't. You have to teach the skill ahead of time. You have to practice it.
And then in the moment, you will pre-teach them and prompt them for when to use this skill when
it's "real time". There are many things in life that are "no" answers. So, when I'm going to be
teaching this skill to my children, I'm going to show them a lot of the different experiences that
might actually be a "no" answer that they have not thought of. In fact, there's a great book
that teaches this. And it's called Porter Earns a Quarter. Porter Earns a Quarter is a book that I
wrote that was specifically intended to show different experiences where a person might get
a "no" answer and how to accept a "no" answer. So, I would read Porter Earns a Quarter to my
children. We might act it out. But we're going to discuss the different circumstances that happen
in the book. So, in that book, Porter actually gets the middle seat in a car. Other people get
window seats. Well, that middle seat is not what he wanted. That means it was a "no" answer. Also,
Porter wants a cookie. Mom says "no". Now, that's a pretty obvious "no" answer. But Porter's playing
soccer one day too. And you know what? Porter gets knocked down and the ball gets taken away. That's
a "no" answer. Porter didn't want that to happen. He wanted to take the ball down to the goal and
score it, right? Also, Porter didn't get what he wanted for breakfast one day. He didn't like that.
"No" answer. Porter can't find his sock when he's getting ready for his game.
"No" answer. Do you see how many things that there might be in life that are "no"
answers? Someone doesn't have to tell you no for it to be a "no" answer. Any boundary line that you
might cross is also a "no" answer. So, touching someone who doesn't want to be touched. "No"
answer. Or basically, you would not be accepting a "no" answer if you touch them, right? If a
person does not adhere to those boundaries, then essentially, they're not accepting a "no" answer.
So, you see how many circumstances you actually could apply this one skill to. It's a lot.
Let's do a little role play, me and you. Teaching children through roleplay is really valuable.
So after reading Porter Earns a Quarter, talking about all the different no answers,
then you're going to talk about the steps. You'll teach those 4 steps to your child
and then you'll want to roleplay practice. So, a roleplay might be something like this:
"Okay you ask me a question. I will say no. And then you say, okay or disagree appropriately".
Which is another skill you need to teach. And by the way, there's a whole other video on that. So,
be sure to find that. And then you drop the subject. So then they ask you a question.
Maybe the question is something like, "Mom, can I go out and play? And then I would say to them,
"No, you can't go out and play because we're going to be having dinner." And then they say,
"Okay" and then drop the subject. Then I praise them after that. Super simple. That's all it is.
Just simple communication. But if you're wise, you will pre-teach your children so that they are
more successful at this skill. Pre-teaching looks like saying to the child, "Right now,
I'm going to give you a "no" answer. Remember how to accept a "no" answer." And then remind them of
those four skills. And then say, "No, you can't go outside." This will decrease their anxiety
and help them succeed more as they're utilizing this skill. Accepting "no" answers and criticism
truly is a power skill. It increases confidence so much in you and your children. Now that you
know this skill, you'll probably find instances everywhere throughout your daily life where "Oh,
that's a "no" answer. That's a "no" answer. Oh, I better drop the subject." Keep working on those 4
steps to that skill and your life will actually never be the same. If you've enjoyed learning
about this skill, I would absolutely love to share with you a video that talks about all of the 4
basic skills and more. In fact, in this particular video, we get to hear from a family and see some
of their experiences with the 4 basic skills which is super helpful too. The name of that
video is 4 Skills to Transform Your Parenting. Click on that video now and I'll see you there.