LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
AS YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WAS THE TENTH DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE.
AND IT WAS HOSTED RIGHT HERE ON THIS NETWORK, CBS.
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY BERNIE SANDERS ANSWERED EVERY QUESTION
WITH, "BAZINGA."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS NETWORK HOSTED THE LATEST
DEBATE.
THAT MEANS CBS IS NOW HOME TO BOTH "THE AMAZING RACE" AND "THE
REALLY LONG, ANNOYING RACE."
( LAUGHTER ) CBS IS, OF COURSE, ALSO HOME TO
THE LONG-RUNNING SOAP OPERA "THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL."
AND IN AN EFFORT TO DRAW IN THOSE VIEWERS, HERE'S HOW THEY
PROMOTED TONIGHT'S DEBATE.
"THE OLD AND THE BUTTIGIEG."
( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK'S DEBATE HAD SIX
PEOPLE ONSTAGE, BUT THERE WERE SEVEN TONIGHT, BECAUSE LONG-SHOT
BILLIONAIRE, TOM STEYER, WAS A LAST-MINUTE QUALIFIER.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
SIX PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES AND TOM STEYER.
( LAUGHTER ) TOM STEYER IS THE GUY AT THE
PARTY WHO BUSTS THROUGH THE DOOR AND IS LIKE, "I'M BACK,
BITCHES!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND EVERYONE'S LIKE "OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D
LEFT."
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, MORE FALLOUT FROM THE
BIG USC COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL.
AN HEIRESS FROM THE FAMILY THAT INVENTED THE MICROWAVABLE SNACK
HOT POCKETS, WAS SENTENCED TODAY FOR BRIBING HER DAUGHTERS' WAY
INTO COLLEGE.
HER FAMILY CREATED HOT POCKETS AND NOW SHE MIGHT GO TO PRISON.
SO AT LEAST THE FOOD WILL BE AN UPGRADE.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S THE HEIRESS TO THE HOT
POCKETS FORTUNE.
WHICH IS A STRANGE PHRASE.
AS A GENERAL RULE, THE WORD "HEIRESS" SHOULD NEVER BE USED
IN CONNECTION WITH SOMETHING THAT COMES IN A FLAVOR CALLED
"BARBECUE RECIPE BEEF."
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, THE WOMAN WAS SENTENCED
TO FIVE MONTHS IN JAIL, WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING, BECAUSE SHE
ORIGINALLY ENTERED A PLEA OF-- ♪ NOT GUILTY ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND FINALLY, THERE'S A NEW HEALTH STUDY WE WANTED TO TELL
YOU ABOUT.
ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY, MEN WHO
EAT JUNK FOOD ARE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE LOW SPERM COUNT.
>> WHOO!
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THAT'S --
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE STRANGEST RESPONSE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHO DID THAT?
WHO WAS IT?
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T WORK OUT -- ARE YOU
SAYING -- >> I DON'T WANT ANY KIDS!
>> James: YOU DON'T WANT ANY KIDS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: THAT IS RIDICULOUS, MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHOO!
>> James: MEN WHO EAT JUNK FOOD ARE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE LOW
SPERM COUNTS.
HAVEN'T THE PEOPLE AT HOT POCKETS DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE
ALREADY?
( LAUGHTER ) IN LIGHT OF THIS NEW REPORT,
SOME COMPANIES HAVE EVEN BEEN FORCED TO RENAME PRODUCTS THAT
COULD LOWER SPERM COUNT.
I SAW THIS CANDY BAR ON THE SHELF TODAY.
"NO BABY RUTH."
( LAUGHTER ) MEN WHO EAT FAST FOOD EXPERIENCE
A DROP IN FERTILITY.
AND YET, SOMEHOW, THIS GUY HAS FIVE CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER ) REGGIE, ARE YOU READY?