So it's completely normal for children and adolescents to have some level of
anxiety at the beginning of a new school year. It's a new year with new teachers,
new expectations of them and possibly new friends. And and having some anxiety
is a good thing because it pushes us to do our best like study for a test or
look both ways before crossing the road. But sometimes anxiety can become
overwhelming and it can get in the way of what kids need to do to be kids.
So it's at these times that we might begin to think that anxiety requires clinical
attention. And that's often with the school kids who are refusing to go to
school or like significantly struggle every day to go to school.
Anxiety is our body's natural response when it thinks that it's in danger and
that can be for a variety of reasons. Sometimes that has to do with separating
from parents but it can also have to do with making new friends or writing a
test or answering a question in class. So it really can be different for each child.
When we think of anxiety we often talk about the fight, flight or freeze response,
and the fight, flight or freeze system is the body's survival mechanism
for when it thinks it that it's in danger.
Some kids are really anxious
about going to school and they might try to get out of school or say that their
stomach hurts and for those kids that's often the flight. They want to avoid
school because they think it's scary at all costs. Other kids might act out or
misbehave when they're anxious and these are the fight kids. So they feel in their
body that they're really in danger and so they need to protect themselves.
Other kids might have the freeze response so they might be the kids who freeze up or
stare blankly when a teacher asks a question. And so they might seem a little
bit more distracted or spacey. So it really can look different in all kids.
I think it's important to first acknowledge that for young children
separating from their caregivers is really anxiety provoking.
It's difficult to do. They're their primary caretaker. So it's important to start
talking about school early and often and so you can come up with that plan ahead of time.
Anxiety and teens can look a little bit
different as kids get older they become less anxious about separating from their
parents and more anxious about social situations. So that often takes one of
two forms. They're either worried about performance, so they're worried about
tests or presenting in front of the classroom, or they're worried about being
judged or embarrassed. So I think there's some useful strategies for for all ages
and and it's best to start with the basics which is making sure that your
kids are eating and sleeping well. And sometimes they've been on a different
schedule for the summer so it's good before school starts to get back into a
bedtime routine and a morning routine that's going to mimic what they're going to
do when they're back at school. It's also important for parents to talk to their
children about how they're feeling about going back to school. For instance if
they're worried about making new friends, parents can role play with their
children about how do you make a new friend and it gives them a script,
a language, to be able to use when they're in that situation.
Parents sometimes don't have a lot of patience to when their kids are sort of
complaining every day, 'I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to school."
So sometimes we say things like, 'well you have to.' Although best intentioned, often
that can make kids kind of dig in their heels so it's best to stay away from
phrases like that and instead try to see the situation from your child or your
teen's perspective. So what might they be anxious about, what might they be worried about?
Why do they not want to go to school?
Sometimes in teens it's a little bit different. You want to be careful to
not tell a teen, 'I get how you're feeling' Because in the teenage brain, no one
possibly understands what they're going through. So in those situations you want
to be careful not to use the words 'I get it' 'when I was a teenager,...'
Kind of none of those things really resonate. It's better to say things like 'no wonder,'
'of course you're feeling scared' or 'of course no wonder you're anxious about
going because, because, because...'
Kids look to their parents to gauge their emotional reactions in a
potentially scary situation. They pick up on your cues. You know, try to remain calm
as best as possible take a deep breath and then do what you really know is best
for your child. Which is to love them, to understand how hard this might be for them.
To help them plan ahead and to help them problem-solve
if a situation comes up that they're finding stressful.
No parent wants to see
that their child is struggling. So we think I'll just let them stay home today
or I'll keep them home they can't handle it. And it really does send that message
you can't handle it or there is something to be worried about.
Feeding into the avoidance, letting kids get out of going to school really does make
things worse in the long term. It makes the anxiety worse and it makes it harder to go back.