Mom: Timothy.
Yes, mama?
Mom: Did you eat the cookies, Timothy?
No, mama!
Mom: You’re lying, Timothy.
You know what that means.
Lying is bad, and you should never do it.
Being dishonest with someone might just be the worst thing you can do.
It’s wrong, it’s mean, and if you’ve ever deceived another, you know the eternal
darkness that only an outlaw would call his friend…
Anyway, here’s a bunch of lies I told as a little kid.
Big ‘ol juicy ones!
One time I was at my grandma Emma’s house while my mom was at work.
It was getting close to the end of the day, so at any minute our blue van was about to
round the corner and come pick me up.
YES!
I can’t wait to see mom!
I could hardly contain myself, so I asked my grandma if I could walk to the end of the
block to get a better view of the road.
Toddler Tim needed to know THE SECOND MomTom entered the neighborhood.
The latest info, thank.
you.
I need reliable updates or we’re not gonna make our quarterly targets, and I won’t
get to keep pretending this is a business.
So grandma Emma said yes… and I headed to the end of the block.
She trusted me to go alone.
We were tight like that.
So off I went, around the corner, past the neighbor’s cactuses, and waited.
And waited.
“Well, I’ve been here for a good 20, 30… seconds.
I better get back to business.
Just gonna turn around aaaand… oh no, my clumsy lil toddler feet!
I’m going down!
MAYDAY!” *squeak*
I tripped and fell next to the cactuses.
Like, in their vicinity.
I wasn’t in danger of getting pricked, the cactuses didn’t even know I was there.
But I looked across the sidewalk and was like *gasp* I almost died.
I ran back to my grandma and told her that I had fallen into the cactuses.
IN MY DEFENCE, I wanted kisses.
But she was mostly like, “Huh, looks like you’re gonna pull through.”
She did give me kisses, but when I went into the other room to play, the darkness struck.
I’ve betrayed grandma Emma’s trust.
I got kisses, but at what cost?
AT WHAT COST!?
I’ve genuinely held onto the guilt from that lie since I was a kid.
And like, kids lie because they haven’t been taught more skillful ways to get what
they want.
I could have just told grandma Emma I fell, and it made me sad and please give me kisses,
thank.
you.
But I wanted to look tough.
This other time I had gotten my first bike, and I was pretty excited about it.
Even when we weren’t home that’s all I could talk about.
“Can’t wait to get home and ride my bike!
I taped a radio to my bike so I can listen to tunes when I’m riding my bike.
One day I’ll get good enough to take the training wheels off my bike.
Yup!
Love my bike!”
Anyway, my grandma and I were driving somewhere and we passed a bike shop.
Bob’s Bicycles on Fairview Avenue in Boise Idaho.
You know the one.
And without thinking, I said “That’s where we got my bike.”
“The lie detector determined, that was a lie.”
*crowd goes wild* I had no idea where my mom got my bike, I
just wanted to talk about it more.
But before I knew it, that ever familiar darkness crept in.
Oh no.
How do I make this stop?
I know!
ANOTHER LIE.
“But don’t ask mom about it.
She gets mad when you talk about…
Bob.”
Like the lady who swallowed a spider to catch the fly, I just made things way worse.
And now, I was caught in my own web of lies.
What if she asks mom anyway?
What if my mom mentions the store she actually got it from?
What if my bike breaks and grandma takes it to Bob’s Bicycles to get fixed, but they
tell her that they don’t sell that kind of bike, and then my grandma has to drive
to all the bike stores in town to find someone who can help her and then her car breaks down
and she gets stranded and dies!?
Grandma: That’s nice honey.
Of course, now I know that if you’re caught up in a lie, you just tell the truth and apologize,
easy.
I mean, it’s that or live with the guilt for the rest of your life.
Which, *pfff* who would do that?...
Me!
The dumbest lie I ever told as a kid was in elementary school.
I had just gotten a Personal Data Assistant, which was like a smart phone before smartphones
were a thing.
And let me tell ya, that was the only PDA I was gonna get for a while.
Haha… wordplay…
It had a calculator, and a calendar, and an… address book.
It was one of the really cheap ones, because a third grader only has so much money.
I don’t think it even had games, but I loved it, because I’m a nerd, and it was basically
a computer in your pocket!
It was neat.
But none of the other kids appreciated how cool it was, so um…
I lied about what it could do.
I was like “Beep boop.
I just ordered... a plane ticket.
Yup!
I got important business to do.
You should be so impressed.
I’m booking a hotel right now.”
And one girl was like “N… no you’re not.”
She thought I was pret-ty cool.
Later that day it fell out of my desk, and when I was scooting my chair in, I crushed
it.
The screen was destroyed, and so was I. Hello darkness, my old friend.
Well, at least they won't know I lied!
(slurpy noise) When you’re done with that, mow the lawn.
(super cool transition noise)
Hey!
It's been awhile.
So one of my patrons got the perk where I'll read lines for a video, and her video just
happens to also be about lying, which is like, oh my god no way, and she got another big
youtuber to read lines in the same video, so make sure to check out elle cartoons, and
just like, flood her comment section with "uhh TimTom sent me" because, let’s be honest,
you were gonna do that anyway.
Also I'm going to VidCon, so if you're also going, keep an eye out for a tall guy in a
green shirt that's me.
And don't you dare, hesitate to say hi, the whole reason I go to VidCon is to meet subscribers.
Ok love you bye.