I am a Pakistani Indian Salinas
Californian American Muslim female
daughter mother wife sister Coptic
dancer performer teacher entrepreneur
arts advocacy citizen of the world this
is a very truncated version of my
intersectionality how did this Salinas
born Pakistani girl find herself on a
path to practice promote and preserve
classical dance of South Asia with all
the other nasai often felt how is it
that I also found my greatest comfort in
the mix of it all born in the salad bowl
capital of the world I lived in the
dichotomy common to many children of
immigrant parents I was an ABCD an
American born confused they see growing
up my siblings and I we loved our
culture and it was ours not defined by
anybody else
we ate Pakistani food we listened to the
music we visited India Pakistan we
celebrated the Islamic traditions that
we felt connected to as a family at the
age of five I began my journey as a
dancer in ballet and jazz and until the
age of 18 years old I was a baton
twirler not the typical activity for the
daughter of Pakistani Muslim immigrants
as we got older we did get to know other
South Asian families in our area and we
were always a little bit on the
periphery of this community as they were
more religious more conservative than we
were and I remember personally feeling
quite self-conscious around them our
family would host large gatherings where
we would invite almost every Indian and
Pakistani we knew we would fill the
house with singers and the sounds of the
table the harmonium the
songs in Hindi in or boo and we would
literally dance until the Sun came up
the next morning I remember feeling so
close to my family on nights like this
and it was moments like this where I
have such pride in my culture in the 90s
at one such music party as we used to
call them my mom said to me a few hours
into the party
Beata child I need you to go to the
store to get some milk for chai not an
uncommon request but right now I look
down at my clothes and I thought there
is no way I am going to the grocery
store in Salinas on a Saturday night
wearing my Pakistani outfit you did not
know who you were gonna see and those
baggers they were pretty cute so I
quickly changed not into sweats but into
something that was cute casual I went I
got the milk quickly came back got my
Bacchus thani clothes back on and right
into the dancing and enjoying the rest
of the night but I'm certain I did not
let anybody at that music party see that
I had changed because to them
I was culturally all in and I had
nothing but consistency of pride in my
culture what was that about
this is what can best be described as
cross-cultural code-switching the
grocery store in Salinas was not a
foreign environment but there was
something inside me that was afraid to
feel like a foreigner what if I ran into
somebody from high school what if I saw
one of those cute baggers what they
think
I looked strange but what was I so
afraid of being the other for college I
attended San Francisco State University
and halfway into my first year I had
been dancing for 13 years straight and
needed to continue to do so so I saw the
gut tuck classical dance of North India
was offered I thought my previous dance
training would help but I also felt some
cultural insuk
starting to surface I did however on the
surface also feel well at least I look
the part
funny how now the way I looked in my
mind at least was going to work in my
favor have you ever done that and by
that I don't mean using your looks in
the sense of vanity to get something
that you need or want but rather relying
on stereotypes or profiling that exist
to help us and help us take advantage of
such profiling so I showed up to my
first gut tuck class in jeans and I had
a super short very stylish far from
traditional super short haircut I could
tell that when my teacher who happened
to be a world-renowned master of the
forum saw me I was an enigma classic
face but so American
it seemed that in some way I was trying
to now navigate these two worlds in the
university setting and even though I
knew I was walking into a class of
Indian classical dance I could not shed
my American style in lieu of embracing
my cultural clothing cross-cultural
code-switching seemed to be a play again
however strange the display of it was so
the teacher asked me my name on this
first day and when he heard my Muslim
name he said where are you from I said
Pakistan he said are you ABCD and I
looked at him perplexed I didn't know
the meaning of the term yet and he said
where were you born and brought up said
Salinas I was given a very peculiar look
in his face and a nod and he said
Pakistani Salinas girl interesting yes
that's how I felt too interesting for
those of us that were South Asian in the
dance class they were expect
expectations for us to know our mother
tongue our history our cultural heritage
for me I felt inadequate and challenged
and though my love for katuk wasn't
I felt an internal struggle persisting
within me I progressed quickly in the
dance with hardwork discipline and very
intense training I became a member of
the same teachers professional dance
company an instructor in his school and
somebody who was deeply devoted to
learning this artform
and the cultural nuances that surrounded
i trained alongside a diverse group of
women some South Asian some not we I
happen to be the only Pakistani Muslim
in this group and together we would
travel to India to perform and I recall
it would be the non South Asians that
would more often receive the praise from
audience members and press because they
were executing the dance so well and I
thought to myself hey what about me
I was born and brought up in America I
work just as hard as they did to learn
this dance form just because I look like
this I wasn't born with these skills
ironic the same profiling that can come
with privilege in one moment as it did
when I first started my training and
thought I look the part well here it was
in my mind putting me at a disadvantage
in this context through the confusion
about where I fit in it all I continued
to train practice perform and teach epic
dance and I have now done so for 24
years
[Music]
I perform and teach internationally and
now I have my own nonprofit cultural
arts organization where I train the next
generation of Coptic dancers many of
them South Asian Americans unlikely
consciously or not are finding their own
rhythm with cultural code switching
between being American and reconciling
that with their own cultural heritage
for the past five years I've been doing
worth it worked extensively in Pakistan
going there at least twice a year to
teach and perform the desire to do this
have always been something inside me but
finding the courage to initiate this
work has been awesomely empowering due
to political and religious barriers
dance has gone through a period of
suppression in Pakistan and I can own
that as an American even as a dancer
because of my Americanists I am afforded
certain privileges and I'm accepted at a
different level
however because of my Pakistani roots I
do straddle this place of neither here
nor there I try to be very conscientious
about the responsibilities I have when
doing work in Pakistan and I try to be
sensitive to the cultural nuances that
exist there for example I do not pray
five times a day though when I am in
Pakistan and I hear the azan the call to
prayer if I happen to be dancing at that
time I will stop wait for it to be done
out of respect
through this work abroad I find myself
in the role of also sharing my
experiences with people outside of
Pakistan opening their minds and hearts
to the culturally rich country that is
far from the negative light that it is
portrayed in in the media the work that
I get to do fills me with
immense pride however the idea of other
nests creeps in still so strongly I
don't doubt my skills as a Coptic dancer
but I still have insecurities about my
Americanist in Bacchus then it's the
little big things like my American
accent I look the part
until I open my mouth I want to attempt
to speak or do in my or do skills have
improved significantly but when I'm
there I fear the criticism the teasing
and yet it doesn't happen and the only
person that seems to be caught up in
this is my worst critic myself with my
total confidence in my skills and
knowledge because of these accompanying
insecurities I can totally admit that I
have impostor syndrome how is it that I
know that I'm good at what I do and yet
I still face this feeling of inadequacy
I'm always questioning if I'm getting
opportunities because I'm American or am
I not getting opportunities because I'm
American is it this look with this
classic face and I think I'm being
judged on my dance and am I being judged
on the merit of those abilities and with
all this time in Pakistan
am I still an ABCD or am I more
Pakistani than I've ever been I love
being able to bridge all of these parts
of myself fully acknowledging that it is
my privilege as an American to be able
to do the work that I do and also as the
daughter of parents who never
discouraged me from following this path
and why then have I felt the need to be
one or the other
either here or there
here is how I am continuing to find my
rhythm and flow to mute these voices of
self-doubt first
I'm learning to own all of me those
intersections I mentioned at the
beginning Pakistani Indian Salinas
California American Muslim female gut
puck dancer they are all mean they are
all part of me second who is defining
this other nests that I often feel how
is our societal structure making us feel
like outsiders in our very own skin in
our own existence in our own true selves
I have realized I am the only one that
can define who I am third cross-cultural
code switching is not always bad it can
also be seen as having cultural
sensitivity and a way to build cultural
bridges rather than divide us and last
and to me most important I've learned to
be authentic and unafraid these two
words have become my guiding principles
as I continue to do the work in Pakistan
and work through those inhibitions I
have also learned that through a genuine
and humble approach coupled with a
fierce fearlessness
I am individually growing and I know
that I am making an impact greater than
myself I ask all of you to challenge
yourself to first find your identity and
your intersectionality what are all of
the wonderful components that make you
you knowing and acknowledging all parts
of yourself will allow you to own all
parts of you and be okay with these
parts getting shuffled and reprioritized
in the various environments that you
find yourself in however also be aware
of how you might be feeding into
stereotypes of physical attributes even
when you are imposing those stereotypes
on yourself and last find your
authenticity and your fearlessness it's
okay to waver
this just means that we are in constant
reflection and self-evaluation but when
you know you know embrace you and move
forward with all of you to find your own
rhythmic flow
[Applause]