- Here's a question.
How many people here grew up with an unfinished basement?
[cheers and applause]
Okay.
How many people grew up with a finished basement?
[cheers and applause]
Rich kids.
[audience laughing]
If you grew up with a finished basement,
you don't know fear.
You don't know what it's about.
[audience laughing]
You don't know about cement walls, and pipes,
and a cracked window with a little cat outside like, "Meow."
[audience laughing]
Leftover stuff from the people that lived there before you.
You're like, "Mom, what is this?"
She's like, "Never mind!
"Get the Halloween decorations!"
You're like, "but I'm scared, Mom."
"Get 'em anyway!"
Yeah.
She's a little different than that lady with the butterfly,
isn't she?
[audience laughing]
She doesn't want to go downstairs, either.
I used to remember goin' downstairs, we had a back room
that was all by itself, and I'd be doin' my laundry,
and every time I'd do my laundry, I'd be like, "okay.
"I know there's a guy in the back.
"He's on the land from jail right now.
"Just be cool-- Just be cool.
"Nothing's wrong-- Nothing's wrong.
"He doesn't know you know."
And I'd walk real slow, and I'd be like, "No big deal.
"No big deal."
And then when I got to the stairs, I'd be like, pfeww!
Right up top.
[audience laughing]
And I'd look down and be like, "not today, buddy!
"Not today!"
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Basements are scary.
Scary stuff.
You know what else is scary?
Nightmares.
[audience laughing]
You know they're comin' for you, right?
I don't know when you had one last, but there is one lurking.
It'll get ya-- It's like a bloody nose.
You'll get another one.
[audience laughing]
The scariest thing about a-a nightmare.
It's your mind.
It's not like a scary movie.
Your mind creates it.
You wake up, you're like, "why was I flying with a witch?"
And then you're crying like, "I'm crazy."
[audience laughing]
Just me?
Fine.
Did you guys know everything's scary after midnight?
Yeah, fact.
Factual information.
[audience laughing]
If your neighbor comes by to borrow a hose at 9:00 PM,
no big deal.
Two thirty in the morning, you're like,
"What the hell do you need a hose for, bro?
"What do you need a hose for?"
You play the Oujia board at 11:30 at night,
nothing happens.
2:45 in the morning, that thing is dancin'.
Spelling "Beezlebub," giving you addresses
in Czechoslovakia somewhere.
Scary.
[audience laughing]
I was in my bathroom the other night.
Late, about 1:40.
Lights off.
Shower's behind me.
Water's dripping from the faucet slowly like,
"time is passing.
"Time is passing.
"You're scared.
"Shower's behind you.
"Shower's behind you."
And I was like, "okay.
"I know there's somebody in my shower right now.
[audience laughing]
"Don't freak out and run for the door.
"That guy will stab you in the face.
[audience laughing]
"Just relax, count to three, and then whack that curtain
"as hard as you can."
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "one, two, three."
And I whacked the curtain, and there was no one there.
[audience laughing]
And I thought, "who is scared now?
"Not me.
"There's nobody in my shower, why would I be scared?"
[audience laughing]
Do you ever go to your living room late at night,
looking for the light switch.
You're like, "just get it before he gets you.
"Just get it before he gets you."
[audience laughing]
[cheers and applause]
Scary.
You just panic and just wait.
You just, like, freeze.
All of a sudden, a butterfly flies by.
You're like, "Nana!
"We're not alone, Nana!"
[audience laughing]
She's like, "Let me make you some eggs."
[audience laughing]
And you're like, "eggs again?"
And she's like, "with hot dogs?"
[audience laughing]
If you never had scrambled eggs with hot dogs as a kid,
you probably had a finished basement.
[audience laughing]
I get it.
That's my time, you guys.
Thanks for watchin'.
[cheers and applause]