namaste, everybody, I bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you Lisa
a romano here the breakthrough life coach and today i got a email from a
woman by the name of aisha and she has written and asked me to do a video just
on codependency um and she's outlined a dynamic that i will i have the
permission to share with you and then i will go in to discuss and what i think
might be happening in her relationship and i hope it helps you out there she
writes dear Lisa I love your channel I finally know what is wrong with me can
you do a video just on codependency and help me understand why my boyfriend and
I have such a hard time staying on the same page when I am up he is down and
when I am down he is up it's just weird like we're always playing mind games is
there help for us love Ayesha Ayesha it's very common what you're describing
so it's your first question was about codependency let's talk about it
codependency implies that my mood is very much affected by the mood of
someone else so that means that if if my husband comes home from work and I see
that he's upset and maybe I was high-flying maybe I was in a really good
mood but the minute I noticed that my husband is not happy my mood will come
down so when you're codependent you're unable to hold on to your emotional
setpoint your emotional setpoint is very it's it
feels like your Center is like a feather in the wind so you're very much affected
by the moods of other people by the opinions of other people it's hard for
you to hold on to yourself you have tremendous self-doubt you worry what
other people are thinking about you so you're worrying and you also tend to
take things very very personally so if your boyfriend has an attitude you will
presume that it's something that you said or it's something that you did you
will not only presume you are the reason he's upset but you will also presume
that you have to make him feel better so Ayesha that's
probably what's happening you know um in your relationship in terms of your moods
because you haven't you haven't anchored yourself in your true self yet so why
does this happen people who are codependent that it is the it is
absolutely responsible for lots of drama in our lives and so oftentimes we're not
even aware that we're codependent so codependents are usually very kind
hearted people there they tend to be nurturing people they tend to be highly
empathetic codependent people have a natural tendency towards peace they want
people to get along they are they are very much worried about what people are
doing and where they're going and how they feel but the problem is when that
becomes that crosses the line and then you know that becomes your way of living
your way of being worrying about everybody and you don't make the list
like you're not worried about yourself you never matter it is always about
someone else this morning I was at um I'm moving into my another office soon
and I was out shopping for curtains for the office and I was listening to these
an older woman with a younger woman and I was thinking why I thought to myself
the old woman is definitely codependent I cannot tell you how Catering she was
to this younger woman that she was with that really had no appreciation for how
this older woman was trying to help her pick out curtains she was short with
this older woman she was impatient um she was rude I would say even
obnoxious and this the older woman just kept saying well what about this and
then what about this oh I understand and what about that and the older woman
really what I was waiting for was I was waiting for the old woman to like push
her back a little bit and say I don't have to stand here you know 75 years old
and I'm standing here and you know I'm Bed Bath and Beyond you know I've been
on my feet all day I'm tired and you know every time I offer you a suggestion
you bite my head off publicly it's a little embarrassing you know but that
didn't happen so in my head I'm saying definitely in my opinion
a codependent woman highly empathetic care is about the needs of this younger
woman is highly highly attentive to her needs and it was literally like this
younger woman was blind to the fact that there was this older woman there holding
onto this card doing what she could to stand upright following this woman
through these you know how the Isles is so tight in some of these stores here
she was trying to maneuver this big cart had lots of stuff in it and this younger
woman was just like a butterfly all over the store picking out curtains and there
was really no appreciation by this other woman so from my in my opinion through
my eyes what I saw was a codependent dynamic where it was all about the needs
of this other person now it's possible that you know in that situation it could
have been you know a very dramatic situation maybe this younger woman
needed to move out of her house or whatever but certainly there was this
this sense that this relationship wasn't was not in balance there was I did not
see when I watched because that's I'm a people watcher I waited for this young
woman to be kind to be sensitive to be you know somewhat understanding of the
fact that this older woman is trying to follow her through these aisles and
there wasn't an ounce of that so you know codependence are really nice people
so it's very important that if you think that you're a codependent you know take
a deep breath it means that you're sensitive it means that you're kind it
means that you have high empathy but you also have to know that being kind and
having high empathy being unconditionally loved being loving
unconditionally tending to see the good people again being very forgiving being
loyal to a fault sometimes does predispose you to abuse because you're
going to attract people that need a lot of attention and what we have to do as
codependent is develop personal boundaries where we have an inventory
list one of the things I would like you to do is every day make sure that you're
checking in with self am i listening to myself do I know what I need today do I
know what I want today what do I want to do today
it's not natural for a codependent to say what do I need how does this make me
feel so make sure every day as you go about your life you're checking in with
self throughout the day take an inventory of your relationships it's
very very important that you know what the mood is of the relationships that
you are in that'll also help you moving forward we'll do another video I have a
few videos on boundaries on YouTube right now but I plan on doing another
one that's will coincide with this video um Ayesha has asked me specifically
about this funky dynamic that takes place between a codependent man and a
codependent female where we have one who is avoidant and one who is pursuing and
avoidance generally fear being suffocated but they want to be nurtured
as well and so in a codependent and needy codependent who is seeking
approval will pursue a codependent who is more avoided in his love style you
know he wants you there but he's not comfortable with with allowing himself
to be open it's very afraid of we're talking about a man and a woman because
of Aisha situation so I just hope you guys understand where I'm coming from so
when we have an avoidant male someone who is afraid you know to let his guard
down and we have a female that is pursuing that connection what happened
is they'll keep the the male will keep pulling away and this is this is what
happens in a codependent dynamic and then what happens is when the female
when Aisha gets tired of chasing him just just annoyed just just tired
maybe something he says tics are off what'll happen is Aisha will begin to
withdraw and then the avoidant personality the avoidant codependent
will start to want to chase Aisha because he wants to feel seen so he
wants to feel seen but he doesn't want to risk feeling vulnerable it's a very
common dynamic so unfortunately what's happening is all below the veil of
consciousness so what we have to do in this case Aisha is we would have to hope
that you and your boyfriend both come a little bit higher above the veil so if
there's any chance for this relationship to work
your boyfriend will have to understand that it tends to avoid you know being
vulnerable with you so there's a he's going to have to learn to be a little
bit more vulnerable a little bit more trusting and that starts with you that
starts with you learning to hold on to yourself you stop chasing approval you
stop allowing his mood to affect your mood you you maintain some some sense of
self you start exerting boundaries emotional boundaries personal boundary
personal boundaries and even external boundaries of people do you like the way
he's talking to you if not you have to set a boundary do you like the way he's
engaging you if not don't engage did you guys make plans and he suddenly changed
those plans well you have a right to exert a boundary about that does he want
to go someplace that you don't want to go you've got to open your mouth hmm you
know I'm really not too keen on going there you can go but I don't think I
want to go I'm not going to go that's a boundary see what happens is
Aisha if you keep chasing him then you are definitely walking all over your
boundaries you're not checking you itself so let's say he comes home in a
bad mood and you were in a good mood so he comes home in a bad mood so you have
a choice to make are you going to jump in and fix it or are you gonna hold on
to yourself are you gonna chase him and beg him to talk to you and beg you to
tell him and then what he doesn't tell you or he says there's nothing wrong and
he keeps avoiding you because he's fearing being suffocated by you even
though you're just trying to be nice to him and even though you're just trying
to let him know that you're there for him are you going to keep pushing him
are you going to keep chasing him or are you going to go back to your own
setpoint are you going to hold on to yourself are you going to learn to allow
your boyfriend to have his own space and have his own feelings are you going to
stop trying to fix it if you can learn to stop trying to fix it if you can
learn to stop taking responsibility for how he feels if you can learn to stop
pursuing him that doesn't mean you have to break up what the means is that if
you can learn to maintain your boundary if you can
that he's you know maybe he's slipping down the rabbit hole you asked him once
you want to talk about if he says no stay where you are do not pursue him ask
yourself am I making him a cup of tea because I want to engage with him and he
doesn't want to engage with me is this a codependent action do I have an agenda
am I trying to be responsible for his feelings do I want him to see me do I
want to feel sorry about my dogs dear ones do I want him to engage with me am
i feeling abandoned what is this really about the more you're able to identify
why you're doing what you're doing the more control you'll have over it so what
I would like you to do iea is this be aware of yourself first ask yourself
some serious serious questions what are my boundaries what do I feel comfortable
with what do I don't feel comfortable with am i comfortable chasing him if I'm
not hold on to myself am i comfortable with being in a relationship where I
have to chase after someone's approval if not this time to revalue reevaluate
your relationship am i comfortable with someone who is constantly shutting down
you have to reevaluate your relationship sometimes will happen is when you give
somebody who when you give someone who is avoidant and withdraws from you some
space will happen is they'll start coming around at that point hopefully
you could have some type of conversation sometimes people just not our partners
is just not open to changing I was in this type of a relationship my first
marriage and I thought it was like I had found gold when I realized that I was
codependent and I write about it in the road back to me I ran home and I told my
husband I know what's wrong with this I know why we do this we do this because
we're codependent and I thought it was great information and he told me he
wasn't interested in changing he had no interest in changing so there I was I
had to make a choice because that meant if he wasn't going to change that meant
I was going to have to chase him the rest of my life to feel any type of
connection or I was going to have to stay here and just let him stay out here
and not feel connected to him not feel seen by him and being a marriage that
was not growing so Aisha I do believe that to codependents that are in a
relationship I'm not talking about a codependent and a narcissist where a
narcissist has no compassion for the codependent I'm not talking about that
I'm talking about a relationship between two codependents who have different
codependent well relating Styles right I do think it's possible for those
relationships to work but not unless both people are willing to come above
the veil of consciousness and see themselves and work on their own
childhood issues because if you're codependent whether you're a pursuer or
you're you with urine withdraw you retreat when people start you know
wanting to connect with you there is a childhood wound there there's an issue
there that's unresolved I've had clients male clients who have told me that their
mothers smothered them as little boys there where mothers made them their
little husband's because they had such dysfunctional relationships with their
husbands that they turn their sons into these little husbands and so now these
men fear being suffocated and so what'll happen is they'll attract a female
because they're heterosexual and they want to feel bonded with a woman but at
the more the woman wants to be connected to him the more suffocated he feels and
he's really reacting to the way he felt when he was a child he's really feeling
the pressure of his mother's own suffocation now if a man let's say if
that's the situation with you and your boyfriend like just for argument's sake
if that is something that your boyfriend is willing to look at you know or if
your boyfriend avoids interaction because he's been downloaded by perhaps
the men and his family to presume and believe that men that show emotions
aren't really meant and that is not manly to show emotions it's not it's not
cool to show emotions if your boyfriend is has suffered an attachment trauma and
he was beaten when he asked for a hug or he was starved when he asked for food or
he was made to feel like he wasn't good enough then he feels unsafe with sharing
himself now I'm not talking about a narcissist I'm talking about a
codependent if you and your boy friend are willing to look at these
types of wounds head-on and talk about them and trust them and if you are
trustworthy and he is trustworthy and there is an absolute commitment made to
self-respect then I do believe you and your boyfriend have a shot so I hope I
II sure you understand a little bit more about codependency as a result of
childhood trauma some co-dependents become people pleaser some codependents
become avoidant but they also crave attention they just they just fear
feeling suffocated and that all goes back to or engulfed and it all goes back
to childhood so codependency is not a fault very
often times women are very nurturing and they're people pleasing and they tend to
take care and our culture tells us that this is the way we should be so
oftentimes it's easy to spot a codependent female but make no mistake
there are plenty of people pleasing nurturing empathetic codependent men out
there - and there are avoidant females and there are avoidant men it goes both
ways and this also shows up in gay relationships as well same dynamic it
doesn't matter if it's a heterosexual relationship or a gay relationship
codependent dynamics are real and the result of childhood trauma so I you
should thank you for your questions and I look forward to your responding to me
either in a private mail email are here in our Channel now I must everybody I
bow to the love and a life that is absolutely in you