Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What a show we have for you tonight.
The one and only Madonna is here tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
And if that's not enough for you,
we have music and talk from Elvis Costello tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. Madonna and Elvis Costello.
I got to say, going to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is nice,
but it's even nicer when it comes to you.
I mean, isn't that amazing?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow.
Well, guys, the big news right now is that today,
while being questioned by the New York attorney general,
former President Trump chose to plead the fifth
just two days after the FBI searched Mar-a-lago.
And the big news on our show is that Madonna is on the show.
So I...
I wanted to use one story to help break down the other.
This is "Headline Playlist: Madonna Edition."
♪♪
-♪ Headline, Headline Playlist ♪
♪♪
-So, when it comes to legal trouble, Trump's not exactly
Like a Virgin.
He's been accused of taking classified documents,
which isn't even... Borderline legal.
So, on Monday, Merrick Garland said, "Give It 2 Me,"
and without even 4 Minutes warning,
he had the FBI Get Together
and raid Trump's safe at Mar-a-lago.
Agents were like, "Where's the Material, Girl?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then in a deposition today, the New York attorney general's
office got Into The Groove and was like,
"Open Your Heart and Express Yourself."
[ Cheers and applause ]
To which Trump was like, "Papa, Don't Preach"...
and en-Vogue-ed the fifth amendment.
Now, sounds like in either case, he'll have to face the Music,
or his assets will be Frozen
and he'll be sent off on a nice long Holiday.
This has been
"Headline Playlist: Madonna Edition."
-♪ Headline, Headline Playlist ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's right. Today, the New York attorney general
called Trump to answer questions under oath
about his business dealings,
but he decided to plead the fifth.
Trump was like, "I'm not saying anything self-incriminating.
That's what my rallies are for."
[ Laughter ]
In the past, Trump has said
that only guilty people and mobsters plead the fifth.
To which the FBI said, "So...which one are you?"
[ Laughter ]
And get this -- apparently the search warrant for Mar-a-lago
was based on information from a confidential source
who revealed what classified documents Trump still had
and where he was keeping them.
[ Audience oohs ]
Right now Rudy Giuliani's thinking,
"Oh, crap, did I butt-dial the FBI again?
Oh! This -- This keeps happening to me."
Yep, no one knows who it is, but Eric just started wearing
a pin that says "FBI's Little Helper."
-Aww.
-Yeah, Trump's having a rough week.
On top of the investigation into his business
and the FBI showing up at Mar-a-lago,
a federal court just ruled
that he has to hand over his tax returns to Congress.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Americans are like, "His taxes?
God, that was like ten scandals ago!
Keep up with the..."
At this point, there are more Trump investigations
than there are streaming platforms.
Did you guys see this?
Yesterday, Rudy Giuliani was supposed to testify in court
but got a doctor's note
that said he wasn't cleared for air travel.
So -- [ Laughs ] So the judge agreed
to delay his testimony until next week
but told Rudy that he must be there whether he has to travel
on a train, on a bus, or "Uber or whatever."
When they heard, every Uber driver was like,
"Please choose train or bus. Please choose train or bus.
Please choose train or bus."
Guys, I read that ahead of this year's midterms, Democrats
are working with influencers and TikTok creators
to reach voters with party-sponsored content.
Yep, sounds like fun until you see Nancy Pelosi
smack Chuck Schumer in the face with a tortilla.
[ Laughter ]
"Way to ruin TikTok challenge." Yeah.
Hey, I saw that cyber-security experts are warning
that North Korea is becoming more advanced at hacking people
and stealing their cryptocurrency.
Yeah, people who own Bitcoin right now are like,
"Please, take it."
[ Laughter ]
So if you lost a bunch of crypto,
it was either North Korean hackers or simply just because
you put your money in crypto.
Well, I'm not sure about this -- there's a new drink
on the market that combines two very different things.
Check this out.
-It's called Protochol, and it's the world's first
alcohol-spiked protein drink.
The creator says he got the idea once he realized
that he and his friends would go work out
then they'd usually drink immediately after.
[ Laughter ]
-It's the perfect drink for when you need a burst of energy
to get through your intervention.
You know what I'm saying?
That's right. Protein and beer.
I give it one week till this drink
is elected mayor of the Jersey Shore.
Just one -- one week.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Rasta horn blares ] Oh.
-Snooki! -Ohh!
-Meanwhile, today, a truck in Kentucky that was hauling
Bud Light crashed and spilled thousands of cans everywhere.
Take a look at this.
-Whoa. [ Audience oohs ]
-Now, I only swam in it once,
but that's pretty much what Post Malone's pool looks like.
[ Laughter ]
That was breaking news, by the way.
But if that happened to be Bud Light Lime,
no one would have reported it. You know what I'm saying?