- Today we debate The Rock versus three Mark Zuckerbergs.
- Let's talk about that.
(funky electronic music)
(fire crackles)
- Good Mythical Morning.
- Now every so often a topic of debate rises
to the surface of our cultural zeitgeist
in a manner in which it simply cannot be ignored,
like The Stones or The Beatles or is a hot dog a sandwich
or could Jack had fit on that door with Rose?
The answer is yes, my god, yes,
why did you let him die, Rose?
- That's right, today we are once again debating
because it's been quite awhile since we've done
a Debate-O-Rama-- - Yeah.
- And we saw some chatter on the GMM Reddit thread
asking for it to come back so we said hey.
It's a good idea. - Yeah.
- So we're gonna do it
and today the debate we have chosen is
who would win in a fight, The Rock
or three Mark Zuckerbergs.
- Yeah the thing everyone's talking about.
- Oh yes, it's highly contentious.
- Zeitgeist.
- I'll take The Rock.
- And I am taking three Mark Zuckerbergs.
- I think I have the more difficult one.
- Okay we'll see.
It's time for Debate-O-Rama.
Hello hello.
- It's great to be back in another debate format.
- Good to see you again, I liked your old hair cut better.
- Oh, you know why you couldn't find
your lucky underwear this morning?
'Cause I'm wearing 'em.
- Your dog-- - Gentlemen.
Good morning.
- You have a chin. - Welcome to the debate arena.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Mr. Link, you have 90 seconds
for your introduction to start.
Are you prepared and ready?
- Yes I am, Stevie.
- Okay, your introduction starts now.
- Thank you Stevie, thank you Rhett,
thank you Mythical Beasts.
I'm gonna make this very easy for everyone here.
Not only is The Rock a pro wrestler,
in 1991 he played defensive tackle
for the University of Miami's national championship team
and then he went on to play in the Canadian Football League.
This man is literally a championship athlete
who performed at a professional level
in two different arenas but this is Mark Zuckerberg.
- Hey there. (crew laughs)
- Otherwise known as iron deficiency man.
The Rock was named Man of the Year, no Man of the Century
by Muscle and Fitness Magazine.
Something called Fast Company
called Mark Zuckerberg a unicorn?
A unicorn, now, if you wanna take three actual unicorns
versus The Rock then I think we would almost start
to have a fight.
In 2017, The Rock tore his labrum
but still filmed Jungle Cruise.
Mark Zuckerberg on the other hand,
and this is completely true, doesn't even have a labrum.
He sold it to the devil in exchange
for all the demon's personal information.
I will conclude my opening remarks
with this devastating photo.
I just wanna make a few points about this.
First of all, no, this is not a photo
from bring your adopted kid to work day.
Yes Mark is actually flexing in this photo
and by the way, The Rock's chest tattoo is of him
beating up three Mark Zuckerbergs.
The writing's on the Facebook wall.
- Thank you, Mr. Link.
- The Rock would easily defeat three Mark Zuckerbergs
in a fight! - Time's up, bro!
- Mr. Rhett. - Yes.
- It is time for your 30 second cross examination.
- So first off, point of clarification,
did you say Canadian Football League?
- Yes.
- Let the record show Canadian.
And as long as we are using photo evidence,
take a look at this photo of The Rock.
Let us not forget that this is also the same person
that you've been arguing for.
There's no way to prove that his other two biceps
are not just two other fanny packs.
And he also looks like your Aunt Vicky
who was a lunch lady.
- True. - Also,
you've been calling him The Rock.
I would let the record show that his actual name is Dwayne
and I will be referring to him as Dwayne
because using The Rock is a mind trick
that you're using to fool the people.
- That's time.
- Thank you Mr. Rhett.
- Dwayne's a cool name I think.
- It's time for your
90 second introduction. - Like Dwayne with a D--
- And favor. - On the beginning.
- Excuse me Mr. Link.
In favor-- - D-Wayne.
- Of three Mark Zuckerbergs
and your introduction starts now.
- Thank you Link, thank you Mythical Beasts.
Dwayne weighs 260 pounds.
That's one big Johnson, I'll give you that.
And you might think that Zuckerberg is just a typical
skinny fat dude with no physical prowess
but it turns out that the Zuck is sneaky strong.
Take a look at this.
(rock music)
He's basically Zucka Jawea. (chuckles)
- Gosh. - The video cuts out
just before Mark feeds the baby from his teat.
And Mark is one cut-throat SOB.
He allegedly stole the whole idea for Facebook
from his friends and then laughed all the way
to the bank.
Zuckerberg's the kinda guy who shows up to a fight
with a pair of brass knuckles
or maybe even a sharpened shiv made from the spines
of users who have unwittingly handed over
their privacy rights.
Meanwhile, Dwayne is nothing but a professional wrestler
where your whole job is actually to protect your opponent.
He's probably never actually hurt a single person
in his life!
Has Zuckerberg ever hurt anybody?
Yeah, maybe you should ask the Winklevoss twins
if they're not too busy panhandling on the streets
of Santa Monica.
And we all know Zuck has everyone's personal info
in his own little private database.
Who knows what kind of dirt he has on Johnson?
Whether it's his secret calf implants
or how many times he looks
at his eighth grade girlfriend's Facebook profile.
Get over it, Dwayne!
Whatever Mark knows, Dwayne will probably forfeit the fight
just to stop him from telling the world about it.
- Okay that's time. - Mark Zuckerberg
fights dirty!
- Thank you.
Mr. Link, now it's time
for your 30 second cross examination.
- I agree that he fights dirty but The Rock knows dirty.
He was a heel and he has a degree in criminology.
The dude knows it, but listen,
do you expect any rational person to believe that a man
who spends his Thursdays doing this, uh-huh,
just an average day, would he have any problem dismantling
any number of this?
- Because I have contacts right.
I can't see that well. - Right me too.
- And before I put my contacts in, I often go look
to see what's going on on Facebook too.
But I'm very nearsighted so I'm like eh.
- Eh. - Okay.
- How is Mark Zuckerberg going to beat The Scorpion King
when he can't even beat astigmatism?
- That's time. - He's sneaky, man.
- Mr. Rhett.
Now it's time for your 30 second rebuttal.
- Okay your whole argument relies on fake movie magic.
Let's see that picture again.
What you don't see is off to the left there,
there's a whole team of producers and makeup artists
making Dwayne look safe and gorgeous,
which I admit he is. - Yeah.
- But Mark is an actual man's man.
In 2011, using only a stun gun and a knife,
Mark killed a goat and fed it
to Twitter founder Jack Dorsey.
This is 100% true so the math is simple.
One Zuck can kill one goat.
Rock isn't even, Dwayne, isn't even the goat wrestler,
greatest of all time so truly--
- I know what goat stands for.
- Three Zucks can kill one not actual goat.
Hello, calculus. - Okay, Link.
Mr. Link-- - Don't call me calculus.
- It's time for your 30 second rebuttal.
- You think killing a little ninny goat is a big deal.
Look at this.
- Old habits never die.
So I just took a chunk out of my hand
for training too hard again so ol' iron grip,
here we go but they say if you kiss it,
it makes the pain go away so.
- The Rock drinks his own blood
and it only makes him stronger.
And if you're wondering, his blood type is A.1. Sauce.
I'd like to donate the rest of my time
to just thinking about the Rock.
Wow.
I'm being hurt, it's like so aggressive.
- And that's time.
Mr. Rhett, your 30 second, second rebuttal.
- The fact that The Rock had to kiss his own boo-boo
(chuckles) doesn't do a lot for your argument.
But I will also notice that
in all the evidence you provided,
Dwayne is always alone, meaning that he's become
this pampered celebrity who has no friends, AKA backup.
Mark on the other hand does have backup
in the form of Rock's greatest enemy Vin Diesel.
Take a look at this picture
and look how cool they both look.
Especially the Zuck in those cool-ass glasses. (laughs)
So now you've got one Dwayne versus three Zucks
and a Diesel.
Well it Zucks to be you if you get my Tokyo drift.
(laughs)
- Oh gosh. - Okay.
Mr. Link. - I am sorry--
- Woo hoo. - I am sorry for you because--
- No cross talk. - The Rock is watching this.
- That's hot! - No cross talk.
- You are going down. - That's hot!
- Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
Mr. Link. - Don't--
- It's time for your final 30 second rebuttal.
- Don't get me started with backup
'cause I don't wanna bring the Nation of Domination
into this but I'm not clear exactly how three Zuckerbergs
are gonna defeat-- - Pretty sure they're retired.
- One Rock.
You're saying that he can slaughter a goat
and then two of them will latch on to an appendage
and they're trying to scream Facebook secrets at him?
Is that how he's gonna defeat him?
- Something like that. - Well listen.
Each arm can shut up a Zuck
and then the animated Hawaiian God that is tattooed
on his body can take out the third one, with ease.
- Thank you Mr. Link.
♪ You're welcome ♪
- Mr. Rhett.
- Are you talking about Moana? - It is time.
It is time for your closing statement.
- Close it up. - Ladies and gentlemen,
there's a scene in Jurassic Park II where a pack
of tiny dinosaurs kills a man by swarming him
and pecking at his every inch of flesh
until the jungle's stream runs red with his blood.
That's exactly what would happen if three Mark Zuckerbergs
faced off against one Dwayne Johnson.
- From pecking at him. - Zuckerberg is a vicious,
wiry, win at all costs kind of lizard person
who tore off his moral compass years ago.
Dwayne is a genuinely good guy, a fair fighter,
and that's why the evil Zuck would turn him into mince meat.
Mince meat that he would then share
with Twitter founder Jack Dorsey.
- Okay. - You're pecking me to death.
- Thank you. - Yes he is.
- Mr. Link, it's time for your closing statement.
You have 30 seconds.
- Ladies and gentlemen, The Rock would render three Zucks
into a pile of roody poo candy ass jabronis.
It's what The Rock does.
Now if this were a debate about who could code
and articulate a robot using JavaScript the fastest,
it might be a different story.
But then again, if my poop were made of gold,
I'd have some pretty fancy stains on my underwear.
In a royal rumble between three Mark Zuckerbergs
and The Rock, The Rock would win with a fast
and furious rampage that would spell certain doom
for Zuckerberg and if you ballers don't believe me,
I bet you do believe in the tooth fairy.
If you smell-- (vibrating tongue)
What The Rock is Jumanji.
- Okay, thank you gentlemen.
This concludes this debate.
- It doesn't matter!
- Got a little weird there at the end. (chuckles)
Your logic fell apart.
What did you think?
- Let us know in the comments below.
- Is it one Rock or three Zucks?
- We'll be reading.
Thanks for liking, commenting and subscribing.
- You know what time it is.
- Semper curiosus.
Greetings, Mythical masters.
I am Mythical Beast Burt Baking.
I'm going to make fried chicken
and it's time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality.
(squawks)
- That chicken,
that chicken's not happy about fried chicken.
I get it.
Click the top link to watch us play Super Mario Party
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