- This video, I'm gonna show you the five biggest mistakes
that kill attraction.
These are things that literally
will dissipate all of the attraction.
The magnetic energy that would be going towards you,
it literally repels people from you.
And a lot of people don't even know
they are doing these things.
So, awareness is key to transformation.
Awareness is the key to transforming the energy,
so that you are magnetic from the inside out.
And the first one of this
is actually one of the most powerful ones.
It's understanding magnetic energy.
And that the key is to kill the neediness.
Neediness kills magnetic energy and attractive energy.
Neediness is when we energetically need someone else
to either validate us, approve us,
or give us affection.
And what happens is,
when we are seeking this on the outside,
we are looking for it outside of ourselves,
and we are putting such a big demand on other people,
so that they can then help us to get our needs met.
And what ends up happening with this too
is it ends up making the other person,
it turns them into our metaphorical mom or dad.
Because one of the reasons this neediness is active
on the inside is because when we were kids,
we felt like our needs weren't being met,
so then what happens is,
we tend to attract people into our life
to then reflect back the same unmet childhood needs.
This is why, if you felt maybe physically
or emotionally abandoned growing up,
you felt like mom or dad
physically or emotionally left somehow,
you may then attract people
that also abandon you in that way,
because there's something about it that feels safe.
So what happens is,
you attract somebody that may not be choosing you,
somebody that is energetically or emotionally not there,
because it feels safe from childhood.
So then in a way,
if I could get this person to meet my needs
then I'll be closing the loop from childhood.
I'll then have my needs met.
And then I'll know that I'm worthy.
I'll know that I'm good enough.
And this is why one of the most powerful things
you could do is to kill the neediness.
Now, how do you do that?
Well, what you realize first off
is that a lot of times what happens is,
you've internalized a degree of something that says,
there's something wrong with me.
Because in childhood, maybe mom or dad left,
your parents divorced, something like that
where then internalized and said,
there's something wrong with me.
I'm broken.
And what then happens is,
in order to compensate for that
there's a level of energy that's activated within
that then is trying to be different
to then get approval and validation.
So remember, the things you craved growing up
and the things that you crave in other people,
you must provide for yourself
and realize that the story and the belief
is that they have the approval
and the validation that I'm seeking,
realizing that that's something
that already exists inside of you.
The emotions are already there.
If I told you right now
that maybe your like celebrity crush
or your high school crush or whatever,
somebody that you are very attracted to,
that you think about and imagine that this person,
what if I told you this person has a thing for you?
They're talking about you.
They hope that you're gonna date with them
or something like that?
If you believed it, you would probably start to feel,
"Oh my God, this is amazing.
I feel so great, I feel so validated,
I feel so approved," for a period of time
and then you'd probably get in your head about it
and be like, "Oh, I hope they val, I hope they like me.
I hope they take me back.
I hope all this stuff happens."
But the funny thing is,
the emotions already exist inside you
where you'd be like, "Oh, I am validated. I am good enough."
But then if I told you,
"Oh, actually, it's a joke. And they didn't say that."
Then you'd be like, "Oh."
You'd feel, the emotions would leave.
So the energy is already inside of you to feel magnetic,
to feel good enough.
It's simply about giving yourself permission
and letting go of the old belief that says
that you have to wait for the external to change
before you change on the inside.
So the key to this is realizing and letting go of the belief
that says, I'm broken and there's something wrong with me.
And realizing that the neediness you're craving
in someone else,
you can meet your own needs by validating
and approving of yourself in a powerful way.
Neediness is what repels love
and non-neediness is what magnetizes love.
And one of the other ways you get rid of neediness,
that I thought in my life,
is I focus more on being present to the moment
than trying to get something out of someone else.
Now, that's the second thing
that kills neediness is manipulation.
And many of us don't know it,
but we are master manipulators.
Now think about it.
Somebody that is a people pleaser,
somebody that is, I'm going to please you,
I'm going to be nice to you,
I'm going to be who I think you want me to be,
and in exchange, I hope you'll like me
and you'll validate me.
And what happens is that,
then it's a value exchange.
It's saying, if I am this way,
then in return you will give me this.
And a lot of people don't know this,
but that then, energy that you become aware of,
it's in the present moment trying to get something
in the future, this manipulation.
When instead, if you're present to the moment,
that is the most magnetic energy you can have.
So one of the things you do to become aware of this is,
for a long time, I mean, this is what I did.
I was a people pleaser, nice guy.
I was trying to get other people's approval or validation.
I didn't understand why it was so hard
for me to set boundaries with people.
And it took me a while to realize
that what I was doing is trying to,
once again, get my needs met by manipulating
and controlling people's perception of me
and the experience.
And remember, control says that you don't trust reality,
you don't trust what is.
Control creates resistance.
Resistance is when there's energy on the inside
that things should be different than what they are.
And one of the keys that I found at least
to that the people pleasing thing was,
for me to actually start valuing more
being authentic and vulnerable,
which means that showing the real me
over that of getting someone else's approval or validation.
I became aware as well
that there were certain energetic patterns
that were alive since I was a kid.
For example, I felt like mom and dad,
if I felt like my needs weren't being met.
I felt like that I had to somehow please them
in order to get them to come around.
Normally, people pleasing comes from parent pleasing.
It's a manipulative tactic that was used as kids
in order to get our needs met,
that then as adults we then use,
and then it leads to us being resentful,
passive-aggressive, and feeling like we're,
like not living true to ourselves.
So what I began to do is,
I began to live according to the north star for me
of authenticity and vulnerability,
which meant expressing the real me.
When at times I was afraid to express
if I had feelings for someone
or if I was attracted to someone,
what then I began to do is that I began to say,
"You know what, it's okay if I get rejected in this way,
it's authentic."
So then I would express myself,
which then would allow me to be more
in my own masculine energy,
which then was also more attractive, more polarizing.
It had so many positive benefits,
the more I committed to being authentic and to being real.
So one of the most powerful things that you could do,
is to begin to let go of the manipulation
of trying to control outcome
and to start to trust the present moment,
which leads me to the third thing that kills attraction
and magnetic energy,
which is not having present energy.
Also similar to the one before it.
These are all building in a theme
of what will make you the most magnetic version of you.
So, when we are in the present moment right now
and we are trying to get somewhere else,
we are dissipating our energy.
We are looking to the external
and trying to say, "This moment isn't good enough right now,
so I just wanna get over here."
And one of the most magnetic things you could do
is to actually be present to the moment.
Have you ever been with someone that like,
you're telling them something
and they're just thinking of the next thing to say
or they're thinking of what they have to do
after they talk to you?
You probably felt like this person wasn't present.
You probably felt like they were emotionally not there.
And it probably didn't feel good.
But imagine you're on a date with someone
and you're having fun.
You're in the moment.
You're enjoying the process.
A lot of times people, they go on dates
because the date's gonna get them the girlfriend
or boyfriend.
Instead, go on dates because,
let that be an end of itself.
Things do not need to be a means to an end.
They could be an end of itself.
And one of the most magnetic things you could do
is to have that of present moment energy.
I promise you,
the more present you are, the more magnetic you are.
And one of the ways you become present is
by focusing on having fun, lighting up, being playful.
Remember, when I had my nine to five job
selling women's shoes,
I go into work and if I wanted to make money
and I wanted to sell this certain amount,
I wanted to get my needs met of my paycheck
and all of that,
it was a very manipulative energy.
It was a means to an end.
I was only there to receive my paycheck.
When I went in with the attention of having fun
and connecting with people,
it was more of a present moment thing.
And because I was focused on connection,
the sales went up anyways.
I made more money,
but I was focused on connecting with other people.
Is that interesting?
When you go on a date,
imagine someone's going on a date like,
I hope they like me. I hope everything goes well.
I hope they text me back.
I hope they will are physically like attracted to me.
All of these things.
I hope, I hope, I hope,
it's putting the power outside of you.
But imagine going on a date and being like,
hope we have fun.
I hope we present to the moment, have fun.
I hope it's playful. I intend for it to be playful.
Imagine, I'm curious if we have anything in common.
I'm curious if we have similar values.
Curiosity is a very present moment thing as well,
because then you're in the moment figuring things out
with this person.
So that's something to be aware of as well.
Are you present to the moment?
Now, the fourth thing that kills attraction,
that a lot of people don't know they're doing,
is tuning to other people's frame
by abandoning your own frame.
Now, what happens for many of us growing up,
and it's also very often is in the line with
if you consider yourself to be an empath.
Many people might be empath watching this video,
if you watch my content,
which means you could feel other people's energy.
It means that you tune yourself to others
and you can feel what they're thinking, feeling.
And realize this, once again,
we were talking about this a couple points ago,
but we developed these survival mechanisms when we were kids
in order to get our needs met.
One of them was,
we tune to others in order to get our needs met.
We tuned ourself to mom or dad and said,
how are they feeling?
How do I regulate my own emotions so that they're happy?
And that leads to later in life people being empaths
and feeling other people's energy.
One of the things that happens with empaths is,
they tune to other people's energy so much
that they abandon themselves in the process.
For a long time this was me.
I would, what do you wanna go do?
I would, I wasn't in my own masculine energy.
I was moving according to
whatever everyone else wanted me to do.
It was hard for me to set boundaries
because I was afraid that if I set boundaries,
they would be disapproving,
it would make them mad or something.
And I'm here to share with you
that what this stems from is an abandonment wound as a kid
where mom or dad physically or emotionally left,
and then there was the choice I was made,
the shame that says, I'm broken or something wrong with me.
And there's a belief sometimes that's there too that says,
it's not safe for me to be me.
I must, I must...
Here's the interesting thing.
People with this pattern,
they tend to attract people
that also emotionally or physically abandon them
because that feels safe and normal.
And what ends up happening is
that feels safe and normal for someone to abandon them.
And the interesting thing is,
is to get to that point, what has already happened
is they've already abandoned themselves
to make other people happier,
to maybe even choose somebody
that doesn't like them or choose them.
So the key to this is to stop abandoning yourself
for others, because that is killing attraction.
What is attractive is,
when you're in your own frame,
when you're in your own energy.
When you are feeling your most magnetic self,
you are leading in your life.
Leading in the sense that you are in a way like,
instead of waiting for the person to text you back,
like you have your own stuff going on.
You don't necessarily make that the north star
of everything that's gonna lead to your own happiness.
You can create an awesome life.
You can recognize the connections that you already have,
your friends, your family, your dog, pets, whatever.
The gratitude in the moment right now helps you
to activate that energy inside of your heart
and it becomes a very magnetic energy.
So that's the fourth thing that will help you
or the fourth thing that kills attraction,
and doing the opposite of that means
to stop abandoning yourself and start to choose yourself.
The fifth big mistake that kills attraction
is that of the resentment or the energy that we have
towards our mom or our dad,
because of how we were growing up.
If there's a story there that says
that this is how men or this is how women is,
which a lot of times is tied
into how our dad did or didn't show up
or how our mom did or didn't show up.
Then we carry that with us into the dating aspect,
into our relationship.
For a long time, because of my ex-stepmom situation
from 7 to 15 years old,
where I had an abusive narcissistic ex-stepmom in my life,
she was, and my dad divorced her when I was 15,
I would attract women into my life
that were controlling, that were jealous,
that were some of which even just,
not even just girlfriends in my life,
I would attract women in my life
that had that narcissistic personality.
Why? Because it felt safe from childhood.
I had a manager at Nordstrom's.
It was the same, literally the same archetype
as my ex-stepmom.
I'm like, why did I attract this?
Because there's some weird energy about it
that felt familiar.
So in a similar way,
I had a belief and I had this story
that woman tried to control me,
and that I had to protect myself from them,
and I need to fight for my freedom,
and it's not safe for me to be...
There was all of these mixed connotations
that were blocking me from having that attractive energy
of me just being myself.
And also I realized that in order to protect myself,
there was this thing I would do
where I would judge a lot of people that I'd be dating.
I would judge them in a sense, say,
oh, this person isn't to this standard.
I had all these lists on all these rules.
And I wouldn't really commit unless all of them were hit.
And one of the reasons being was
because it was a protective mechanism for me to like,
you know, remain safe.
But the judgment is what actually was blocking love
from coming into my life.
And the thing I had to do, the cure to this is,
what changed everything is,
when I actually forgave my ex-stepmom.
I forgave my parents even.
And forgiving them
means literally I was neutralizing the energy.
Think of the word, forgive, forgive.
Now, what happened is, in the past,
we gave a certain personality, a certain story
certain meaning, and that meaning then was on autopilot
reflecting back things to us.
So my story was, women are trying to control me.
They're jealous. I need to fight for my freedom.
And maybe, I also, I'm not chosen, all of these things.
That was the meaning I gave
because I hadn't forgive my ex-stepmom.
What I had to do is, I had to take away that meaning
and I had to forgive.
Give, for, for means before,
before you gave it that meaning.
So it means literally to neutralize and to realize,
people are always doing the best they can
with the level of consciousness they were at.
That really helped me to forgive my ex-stepmom
because there was so much pain that I was like,
how can I forgive her?
I realized she was treated the same way
by her dad growing up.
Doesn't make it like,
oh, it was just the greatest childhood,
now that I realized that,
but it does make me realize,
oh, she's playing out her own pattern
and that she was doing the best she could
with that energy that she had.
So that's one way you can learn
to really transform the energy
is to actually forgive mom or dad
so that you don't repeat the same patterns
over and over again.
One of the things
that will help you heal all of this stuff the way the most
is a free meditation that I have.
It's an inner child meditation,
where you go to Kauai, Hawaii.
It's the most powerful meditation I have.
It's absolutely free.
All you gotta do is go to AaronDoughty.com/child.
C-H-I-L-D 'cause it's a child meditation
or click the link below.
And also if you want a video,
that's "The Five Secrets to Becoming Attractive AF."
This is one of my most popular videos.
Check this video right here.
In this video, I wanna share you five secrets to letting go
that will make you more attractive
and that will completely transform your life.
And when you start applying them, it changes everything
because you start realizing
who you really are and you start letting.