-The Trump presidency
officially ended today
as Joe Biden was inaugurated
as the 46th president of the United States
and wow!
Alright.
So that's what it feels like
when you're not grinding your teeth.
I'd forgotten.
And I think -- yeah,
I can see colors again.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[Tender tune plays]
You know, over the last four years,
whenever I imagined myself finally saying those words,
I pictured us surrounded by a jubilant audience,
reveling in the collective catharsis
of watching this wretched, awful man
slink away from the seat of power
like a drunk who got kicked out of a bar at 3:00 am
for trying to steal the free pretzels.
[ Slurring ] No, these are my home pretzels.
I brought these pretzels from my home.
Instead, I'm alone in an empty studio,
no pomp, no fanfare,
no senior citizens bussed in from Paramus,
who were told they had tickets to Dr. Oz.
The only celebration we could manage was
Wally holding a single balloon covered in Purell.
Keep that party going, Wally.
And the reason for that is, even amid this moment
of collective relief, the nation is still in the midst
of several unprecedented calamities,
none of which will magically disappear anytime soon.
It's a little like getting rid of the last guy at a party.
We spent four years yawning and stretching and hinting
that he should get out
and, when he finally leaves, it is a relief,
until you remember you still have to clean up all his puke
and he like puked everywhere.
Luckily, we had this guy working at the inauguration.
♪♪
Sir, who are you and why do you rule so much?
I knew they were taking extra precautions
after the raid on the Capitol,
but, apparently, none are more prepared than scarf man.
Beautiful old scarf draped loosely around the neck,
one mask peeking out of a second mask,
a pack of wet wipes that, like many of you,
I confused for a pack of Oreo minis --
"Is that guy about to eat Oreos close to the mic
in some kind of inauguration ASMR?"
Later in the day, we got to see the Bidens
enter the White House residence, but, before they did,
the White House itself went
through a deep cleaning
as soon as Trump left.
-There's a deep clean
of the residence because of COVID,
which includes, you know, vacuuming drapes,
wiping baseboards, cleaning chandeliers.
-Scrubbing out Diet Coke rings,
pulling loose hair out of the drains,
trying to get ketchup off the Constitution.
I know they're saying the deep clean is because of COVID,
but, I mean, even without the pandemic,
if I were moving in after Trump anywhere,
I'd want the place fumigated.
The guy was glued to his TV, barely left his bedroom,
and only ate fast food.
That place probably looks like
a locker on "Storage Wars"
or a studio apartment in a rent-controlled building,
after the tenant who's lived there for 80 years dies --
just piles of old newspapers, loose change,
and a collection of weird ceramic pigs.
[ As Trump ] What do you think, Betsy, should I concede?
Betsy has concerns about the vote count in Georgia!
It's not in Trump's nature to leave
on a graceful, dignified note.
Instead, he left in shame
and disgrace, the way he should have,
scampering out early in the morning,
like a college sophomore doing the walk of shame,
though he did give us one final Trump trademark,
chopper-adjacent, Q & shout.
[Rotors whirring] -This has been a great honor.
The honor of a lifetime.
-Now, that will never have to endure
another one of these again, can I just ask,
how long does it take to start a helicopter?
Like wouldn't it have been better to wait until he got in
before firing the thing up?
I don't know. Past is past.
Trump, of course, couldn't even muster the bare minimum level
of grace and self-assurance
to attend his successor's inauguration,
but he did, apparently, want his helicopter
to do one last farewell trip around the Capitol.
-They just flew over here, over the Capitol,
where these preparations are underway
for Joe Biden's inauguration at any moment now,
in the next few hours, of course,
the inauguration that the president will not be attending,
but, apparently, wanted to see.
-He looked upon our nation's capital
the way past presidents looked over hurricane damage.
[ As Trump ] Well, love me or hate me,
you have to agree --
I [bleep] the place up.
[ Laughter ]
Mel, are you looking?!
[ Laughter ]
Mel! Mel!
She's --
He was too scared to go to the inauguration,
but he wanted to see it from afar.
He treats the hallowed customs of our democracy
like a five-year-old
watching a scary movie through his fingers,
so he took a whirl around D.C. on the taxpayer's dime.
One last no-joy ride.
And, now, the Biden administration will have
to reckon with a series of simultaneous crises
unprecedented in our lifetimes.
Just because Trump is gone
doesn't mean all the destruction he wrought is gone as well.
In fact, it's very likely to get worse in the near term
and the conditions that created him will remain as well,
unless they're scrubbed from our institutions
and our system and our public life.
But I do think a small step forward
was hearing the incoming president,
on the eve of his inauguration,
acknowledge the very real human toll of the pandemic.
-To heal, we must remember.
It's hard sometimes to remember,
but that's how we heal.
-I have to say I was very moved by that
because there's been this weird collective erasure
of the toll of the pandemic
because of the willful criminal neglect
of the Trump White House
and its allies in the right-wing media,
an insistence that it will all go away, that everything's fine,
and that what you're seeing and hearing
with your own eyes and ears isn't actually happening.
And a small first step towards fixing that
is acknowledging it.
Anyway, very powerful, and a welcome change.
Now, let's hear what the outgoing president had to say.
-Have a good life.
We will see you soon.
-"Have a good life"?
That's not a presidential farewell.
That's what your high school crush writes in your yearbook,
as a final twist of the knife.
Although, even weirder than that was
what Trump said right before, hinting that he might possibly
try to make some sort of political comeback,
if he's not disqualified
after the Senate impeachment trial.
-So just a goodbye.
We love you.
We will be back in some form.
-"In some form"? What does that mean?
[ As Trump ] Whenever you see a black plastic bag stuck in a tree
or a vulture on the shoulder of the highway,
pulling the guts out of a dead raccoon,
that'll be me.
Not the dog turd you wipe off your shoe,
but the one that stays stuck in the treads,
you need to dig out with a stick,
never quite getting it all,
because part of me will always be with you,
in some form.
So, Trump held a pathetic, forgettable going-away party
about the size of the lunch rush at Hale and Hearty.
In fact, Trump's farewell was snubbed
by virtually everyone, from his own vice president
to Republicans in Congress.
Trump was so desperate for attendees at this thing
that those who were invited could...
I worked at "SNL" for 12 years
and, when I go back to see a show,
I can't even bring my wife.
They even sent invitations to people who turned on Trump
and left in disgrace, like Omarosa; John Bolton;
and even Anthony Scaramucci, who said...
Yeesh! That is embarrassing.
That's like when you get an invite to someone's wedding,
even though you only met them once,
five years ago, at a friend's barbecue.
Honey, do you remember, Doug, the guy from the barbecue,
wouldn't stop trying to sell us insurance?
No? Okay, well, uh,
do you want to go to his wedding?
He's offering 17 plus-ones.
Then, of course, there was the fact that,
in his final address as president,
he signed off the way you'd expect,
by rambling stream-of-consciousness style,
like he was describing a dream to a therapist.
-People have no idea how hard this family worked.
We were not a regular administration.
Our vets are happy. Our people are happy.
Our military is thrilled.
If you look at what happened until February a year ago,
our numbers were at a level
that nobody had ever seen before.
And, now, the stock market is actually substantially higher
than it was at its higher point prior to the pandemic.
So it's really, you could say we built it twice.
Be careful. Very complex.
Be careful.
Remember us when you see these things happening.
Remember us.
I'm looking at elements of our economy
that are set to be a rocket ship up.
It's a rocket ship up.
We got the vaccine developed in nine months,
instead of nine years, or five years or ten years.
-Even in his last address to the nation as president,
he sounds like a husband making small talk with the doorman
while he waits for his wife to come down to the lobby.
[ As Trump ] So, yeah, my cousin got his master's in four years.
Could've been nine, five, 10 years.
She should be down soon.
Man, this Met season's off to a crazy start.
Then, Trump finished his speech, or whatever it was,
and, in a bizarre spectacle,
he waved goodbye to the anemic crowd
to the same song he ended his rallies with.
-♪ YMCA ♪
♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪
♪ YMCA ♪
-Like Grandpa leaving 10 minutes into the wedding reception.
And then, finally, it all ended
and we got to watch Air Force One take off
with Trump onboard as president one last time,
presumably setting a course straight for the Sun,
where he would burst into a thousand rays of light,
never to be seen again. Either that,
or he was making a run for it.
[ As Trump ] How long can you keep this baby in the air?
I need it to last until after they subpoena my tax returns.
Look out the window, Mel!
Oh, she's not.
She's out today.
[ Laughter ]
And then, there was the inauguration at the Capitol,
the same site that, just two weeks ago,
was the scene of a violent insurrection
incited by the president.
We were treated, on one hand, to scenes of hope
and solemn ritual, like the inspiring moment
when Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman,
who bravely led a group of rioters
away from the Senate floor, arrived at the ceremony.
And then, on the other hand,
there was a moment of shamelessness,
from Ted Cruz, one of the seditionists
who tried to subvert the election,
taking selfies at the same dais.
-Can I tell you how astounding it is here,
to, you know, overlook the west front of the Capitol,
the exact spot where, just two weeks ago,
rioters, violent supporters of President Trump,
were scaling the scaffolding
that has now been replaced with bunting?
It is remarkable, also, to see so many of those
who had backed the president in this effort,
like Senator Ted Cruz,
who, just a moment ago, was snapping selfies.
♪♪
-Who on God's green Earth wants a selfie with Ted Cruz?
I mean, of course, the main problem with Ted Cruz
taking selfies is that the self is Ted Cruz.
Good luck finding a filter that makes you look
less like a rockabilly muskrat with a wet diaper.
But, as gross as that was,
there were also the genuine signs of promise and hope,
like, for example, the sight of Bernie Sanders
showing up in a giant coat and mittens,
with a bunch of papers in his arms,
like a public defender whose car stalled in the snow.
[ As Sanders ] I'm here now. I'm here.
You can stop talking to my client.
Thank you very much.
Could someone mail this for me?
Bulk is fine.
Although the best Bernie appearance was, of course,
this picture of him sitting in his chair by himself,
like he was at Foot Locker,
waiting for the salesperson
to bring him the next size up.
Biden's first act as president should be to replace
every Confederate monument in the country with this statue
of Bernie Sanders. The plaque can say...
In fact, one of the best things about the new era
we entered today is that Bernie will now be
the chairman of the powerful Senate Budget Committee,
where he'll be able to fight for, among other things,
expanded direct payments, unemployment insurance,
a $15 minimum wage, and canceling student debt.
He'll be able to hold hearings on Medicare for All
and the Green New Deal.
Hell, he could change the price of coffee
in the Senate break room, if he wanted to.
[ As Sanders ] Six bucks for a cup of coffee?
That's insane. From now on,
you bring your own beans from home.
You grind them up in a pencil sharpener.
Meeting adjourned.
And then came the fanfare
and the ritual of the inauguration itself,
including performances from megastars
J.Lo and Lady Gaga,
which was a nice change of pace from the Trump era,
when the only musical acts who would associate
with the president were Three Doors Down
and the kids who got stiffed by Trump.
You remember that?
When Trump refused to pay
a bunch of children who sang at his rallies
and they had to sue him to get their money?
Sadly, there won't be any room in the history books for that,
but I assure you, here at "Late Night,"
we! will! never! forget!
[ Laughter ]
Overall, the day was not short on inspiration,
with a benediction from Reverend Silvester Beaman
and an incredible inaugural poem from 22-year-old Amanda Gorman,
but perhaps the most stirring words were delivered
by Senator Amy Klobuchar,
to describe J.Lo's rendition
of "America the Beautiful."
-Well, that was great.
-That was my aunt's review of "Mamma Mia!"
"Wow, that was great.
I liked all the singing and the dancing.
Time to go home!"
And, of course, we also witnessed
some breathtaking scenes of history,
chief among them, the scene of Justice Sonia Sotomayor,
the first Latina to serve on the Supreme Court,
swearing in Kamala Harris, the first female,
the first Black, and the first Asian American vice president.
Then, of course, came the catharsis
of seeing a person who is not Donald Trump
become president of the United States,
when Joe Biden officially took the oath of office.
-Please raise your right hand and repeat after me.
"I, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., do solemnly swear..."
-I, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., do solemnly swear...
-"...that I will faithfully execute..."
-"...the office of President of the United States..."
-"office of President of the United States..."
-"...and will, to the best of my ability..."
-"...preserve, protect, and defend..."
-"...the Constitution of the United States."
-"the Constitution of the United States."
-So help you God?
-So help me God.
-Congratulations, Mr. President.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Son of a gun. Wally, give that balloon another squirt.
[ Laughing ] There we go.
The only bummer was that Biden didn't end the oath
by swearing to preserve, protect, and defend
the Constitution of the United States
"and cut the malarkey, so help me God.
Come on, man!"
Biden's swearing in will also be remembered
for having the biggest Bible anyone has ever seen.
Does that also have every Amtrak schedule ever?
Does it have the lesser known gospels?
[ As Biden ] Yeah, this one has Keith.
He doesn't add much, but he spills the tea on Matthew.
[ Laughter ] Guy was always late.
[ Laughter ] Then came Biden's speech,
his first address to a divided nation as president.
And see if you can guess the theme.
-It requires the most elusive of all things in a democracy:
unity.
Unity.
With unity, we can do great things, important things.
History, faith, and reason show the way, the way of unity.
Without unity, there is no peace,
only bitterness and fury.
And unity is the path forward.
-"But why won't the Democrats talk about unity?!"
You know, Republicans incited an insurrection
and then complained that Democrats
aren't trying to unify the nation.
Meanwhile, Biden talked more about unity
than a marriage counselor
who only gets paid if the couple stays together.
[ As Biden ] Ben, you need to validate your wife's feelings more.
And, Carol, don't repress those emotions.
Communicate. Now, let's hash this out
and grab a brisket at Houlihan's.
Like any president,
Biden has his strengths and weaknesses,
but clearly, one strength is
his ability to give the nation a pep talk
and, in many ways, his inaugural address
was basically the halftime speech America needed.
-At this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
My whole soul was in it.
Today, on this January day, my whole soul is in this.
We can join forces,
stop the shouting, and lower the temperature.
And today we mark the swearing in
of the first woman in American history
elected to national office,
[ Cheering and applause ] Vice President Kamala Harris.
Don't tell me things can't change!
And here we stand,
just days after a riotous mob thought they could use violence
to silence the will of the people,
to stop the work of our democracy,
to drive us from this sacred ground.
It did not happen.
It will never happen.
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! Not ever.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
-I mean, I don't know about you,
but I thought that was pretty uplifting.
Can we check in on Bernie real quick
and get his reaction to the speech?
Okay. Alright, he's digging it.
I know him. He's digging it.
Just hearing a president talk honestly
and straightforwardly about our challenges,
promising to fight for democracy,
or saying phrases like "my whole soul is in it,"
was both calming and jarring after four years of a president
who, if he ever mentioned his soul at all,
did so in context of selling it.
[ As Trump ] Hello, is this the devil?
How much can I get for the soul?
Ten bucks? Forget it.
Everybody's listened to the soul call with the devil.
It was a perfect call.
I called the devil.
I didn't sell the soul.
I got an offer. I said no.
It was a perfect call.
[ Laughter ]
Biden also showed deference
to previous presidents,
including one who couldn't be there.
-I know the resilience of our Constitution and the strength,
the strength of our nation,
as does President Carter,
who I spoke with last night, who cannot be with us today,
but whom we salute for his lifetime in service.
-Everyone loves Jimmy Carter.
I'm assuming Carter wasn't there
because of COVID protocols, although,
he's such a good person, he's probably
with his Habitat for Humanity friends,
building Trump a house in Palm Springs.
[ As Carter ] It's not as nice as the White House,
but, if you fill with love, it'll be more than enough.
[ As Trump ] Oh, love's going to be a problem, Jimmy.
[ Laughter ] But now,
the challenge for Biden and for Democrats in Congress is
to follow these words with action.
Biden began today by announcing plans to sign
a raft of executive orders undoing some of Trump's
most heinous and destructive policies
and Senate Democrats
have unveiled a package of democracy reforms,
which are huge first steps.
Biden and Democrats in Congress can't shy away
from doing what's necessary to fix both what Trump broke
and what was broken before him.
Trump has left the nation in ruins
and he'll leave as the most disgraced,
unpopular president in history.
And, as for Trump, look, I know today can't be easy for him,
so I would like to read a few lines of a verse
that I know means a great deal to former President Trump,
in hopes that it will soothe him
on this difficult day.
"Young man,
there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man,
pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man,
'cause you're in a new town,
there's no need to be unhappy.
It's fun to stay at the...
-♪ YMCA ♪
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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