Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you the five toxic things that you need to avoid at all costs.
If you find yourself in the brink of a divorce and you're trying to reconcile
your marriage and stay tuned to the end of the video, because it's five things,
we'll go way beyond what other coaches, what other professionals will tell you.
And in my experience,
the same five toxic things will really infiltrate their minds in various
subconscious ways. And when they do infiltrate our minds,
they're going to sabotage your actions in many ways that you can't even imagine.
And so you want to avoid these five things at all costs.
And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or in marriages and
equip them with the right skills and knowledge to be able to thrive in the
relationship. So if you want to deepen your knowledge on relationships,
then subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well.
To be notified when I post new videos three times every single week.
[inaudible]
real quick. Before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my free masterclass
on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you want in,
on that master cost and be sure to stay till the end for the non-small and how
you can get in on that masterclass.
So the first toxic mindset that you do not want to adopt is being swayed
or being influenced by your partner's emotions. So, first of all,
I'm going to say that I understand where you're coming from,
which is that you're in a difficult position,
especially when your partner is telling you that she doesn't have any hope that
she wants to divorce. The only course of action that she wants,
or she can think is possible is a divorce. And when you hear this,
you're going to want to follow suit as well to say, well,
if my partner feels really hopeless,
if she doesn't even want to work on the relationship, why should I feel hopeful?
But if you watch a lot of my other videos,
you will know that the fundamental core reason why she feels hopeless at this
very moment is that she doesn't believe that the future can change. Again.
She's using the past to guide her vision of what the future will look like and
her picture of what the future looks like will determine how she feels today.
And right now you're not giving her any reasons of why her picture of the future
should or can change. You might be giving her the logical reasons,
but emotionally, she hasn't felt that yet. So right now, when you feel hopeless,
when she feels hopeless,
then that will just confirm to her emotionally that even you don't think that
anything could change that even you don't think that you could change.
And if you show her that then guess what nothing will change.
There's no reason for her to think that anything will change if you feel
hopeless as well.
So the mindset shift that I want you to make here is that I want you to see
yourself as a captain of your ship.
So part of this is learning to work on the right mindsets,
learning new paradigms in life and your relationships so that you can still stay
motivated and bettering yourself and becoming the better version of yourself and
working on your relationship,
even though the outcome may not be going your way at the exact moment.
So if you think of herself as the captain of the ship,
your motivation and your level of hope will fluctuate depending on how hopeful
your crew members are feeling at that particular time on how good or bad the
outcome is at that particular time,
you would be a pretty bad captain,
right?
A captain is supposed to give and inspire hope and want to keep the best captain
that he can be. Despite the outcome, despite what his crew members are feeling.
Because honestly, if he loses hope, if he feels demotivated himself,
then everyone else feels demotivated. So he's very much the same thing here,
where you are the captain of the ship and the ship will sink or float depending
on what you do right now. And part of being a captain, the ship too,
is understanding that your partner actually wants you to succeed. You know,
after working with hundreds of men and helping them to rebuild their
relationship, what I find is that, you know,
once they change their behavior to show up as a better man in the relationship,
they will realize that their partner wants them to change all along that the
partner was actually rooting for them all along.
And one of the relationship to work out and divorce was actually the last thing
that she wants right now. But to do that again,
you have to give her a reason for her feelings to change her emotions about you,
about the future,
to change the second toxic mindset that I see a lot is coming from a place of
need and not wanting, you know,
the biggest mistake I see people make is like when their partner tells them,
I want a divorce instantly, they feel like they have everything to lose.
And the concept of fixing this relationship now becomes a strong need.
They must have it.
And this is a really bad mindset to adopt because of four reasons. One,
when you come from a place of need,
when you feel like you have everything to lose,
it will leads you to do things that are very needy and very toxic and very
desperate, which we know will sabotage all your actions here.
And even if you're trying really hard to consciously be not needy,
your subconscious will eventually take over.
And you're going to show your neediness in the smallest tone you have in the
smallest micro expressions you have.
And it's impossible for her not to smell your desperation and your neediness at
this point.
But the second reason is that it also shows your partner that you really have
nothing of value to offer here, because if you have something valuable to offer,
if your changes were really that great, if you're really that valuable,
you wouldn't have to come from a place of need,
right? The same way.
If let's say you're a salesperson and you have a great product to sell you,
wouldn't be showing up to every negotiation coming from a place of need. Look,
please buy my product. Please talk to me, please,
whatever you're going to come from a different place entirely.
And it also shows that you don't have any confidence in your future,
on yourself to change, to change for the better as well. Because again,
if you do believe that your changes are great,
your changes are valuable and they're meaningful. Then again,
you wouldn't feel compelled to come from the place of need,
because you would understand that if your changes are so great,
that it's not just you, who has everything to lose in this transaction,
in this interaction.
And the final thing here is that if you come from a place of need here,
it confirms to her that you're the one that has everything to lose in this
relationship.
And it puts you in a position where she feels like she has nothing to lose.
And so, again, this only causes you to do all these needy things,
but it puts you in a very weak position in a very value,
less position in this whole interaction.
And that makes you look very unattractive and actually can push her away even
more. Just like how,
if you see a salesman and the salesman is very needy and very pushy,
you're going to want to back away from that person as well,
because you're gonna think if that person was offering something really of
value, why would he be so needy? Why would he be so desperate towards me? Now,
the next question you might be thinking, maybe like,
do I go the other extreme direction where I become completely aloof and
indifferent? Not quite,
this is also a bad proposition because when you act completely indifferent and
aloof,
it shows her that you one, you don't really understand the problem,
that there is a problem in the first place.
And it shows her that you're playing tricks.
You're trying to manipulate her into play this hard to get game.
And it can seem very childish and very manipulative,
and it's not going to do well at all.
Now the right balance here is you want to come from a place of want.
So this is a state where you're not afraid to clear to express that you have the
desire to work on the relationship, to better yourself, to get her back,
to reconcile this marriage.
But it's also a state when you're willing to walk away as well.
If push comes to shove and she's also wanting to walk away,
and a lot of you might be thinking like, are you crazy?
Like how can I walk away and just admit the feet,
but understand that this actually puts you in a much better negotiating position
in your relationship right now.
And it puts you in a position of value and you have to understand the irony in
this whole situation, in that the more you need something,
the more you're desperate about something,
the more you actually push that thing away.
But the more you come from a place of want and being able to walk away,
the more curious we can make someone to your proposition.
So to give you an example here,
um, when I was 22, I started my first company, my first startup,
and it wasn't going very well.
And I didn't really like the business partnership that I was in.
And I expressed to my partner that, Hey,
I wanted to leave this business partnership. I wanted to get out of here.
I wanted to dissolve it.
And what he said changed my mind completely. What he said was look,
no matter what you do, right. Obviously I want you to stay,
but if you choose to not stay,
I just want you to know that I'm going to keep building this company.
I'm going to keep bettering myself and better in this company and grow it into
something meaningful, right? So here he wasn't coming from a place of need,
but he's expressing his desire. His want for me to stay there,
but he's also willing to walk away from this negotiation if need be.
And what's funny is that once he said that it really hits something in my mind,
and it really made me curious about maybe this is not a boat that I want to
miss, who knows what I'll be missing out in three years time in four years,
time in five years, time and so on. And this is true with my clients as well.
When they find themselves embracing this place of want and not need,
then they put themselves in a much stronger negotiating position and the chances
that they actually get what they want, which is their partner back.
And we inviting them back up, becomes a lot higher as well. So again,
you always want to come from a place of want and not need in any negotiation or
any interaction you have with your partner.
The third toxic thing that I see a lot of people do is constantly checking in on
their partner, state of mind. So at this point, you know,
you might be making changes to better yourself.
And the one thought you have in your mind is,
are my changes making a difference.
So you feel compelled to always check in your, upon her and ask like,
how have your feelings changed yet? Do you still want a divorce?
Do you still want a separation? Do you still want to, you know,
do you want to work on things together now? Right?
And you keep pestering her with the same question over and over and over again.
And again,
this is very toxic because it's showing that you are coming from a place of need
once again, instead of a place of wanting.
And that puts you in a very terrible negotiating position. And it also,
when you, when you constantly check in like this,
it also taints your intention of why you're bettering yourself,
that maybe you're bettering yourself just as simply get an outcome to get her,
to come back, to trick her into coming back and not simply making changes,
because you believe in the value of making changes for the sake of making
changes yourself and that your changes will be permanent and long lasting.
And if your partner can smell that your intentions are really not genuine here,
that you're doing this to simply get her back,
then she's never going to believe in your changes.
And you're never going to be able to change the nature of our emotions or how
she feels about you. If you do this,
and it also shows her that you don't really know what you're doing, right?
Because if you really knew what you're doing,
if you're confident about what you're doing and that you're doing the right
things,
then you don't constantly need to check in on how you're doing the truth is that
you don't always need to check in.
And the only reason why you're checking in is that you're not sure right now,
if your approaches, if what you're doing are the right things to do,
that creates the right effect in her, the right changes in our emotions.
And if you're at a spot where you're hoping that whatever you're doing is
working, then what I have to say to you is that hope is a very bad strategy,
because if you're hoping for something to happen,
it means that you don't have enough of a grasp of the fundamentals of the
principles to make your success into something more predictable.
And if you find yourself hoping or unsure of what you're doing,
whether it's working or not,
then that's clear time for you to seek some help and actually learn what it
means to better yourself in the correct ways,
and have that confidence in yourself.
And the truth is that once you start doing the right things and constantly doing
so,
your partner's emotions will change and her behavior will change along with it.
And as our behavior changes,
she's going to give you a lot of clues as to when she's ready to move on,
or when she's ready to work on the relationship. And so on.
And a simple example of this is when I'm partnering was moving into my
apartment,
I never had to ask a question like, are you ready to move in?
She made it obviously clear by the clues that she was leaving me. You know,
she was going around the rooms and asking about, Hey,
you should hang this painting there. You should buy this couch.
You should buy these pillows.
And all those clues suggested to me that, Hey, maybe she's ready to move in.
And I was able to get that understanding of what she wants when she was ready to
progress things without ever asking her that question.
So just understand that this question right now comes from a place of needing
and wanting.
And the only reason why you're asking this question is that you're unsure of
whether what you're doing is the right things or not point number four is
playing the scripts and not making genuine changes.
So what a lot of people do when they're on the brink of a divorce is that they
look at your, let's say YouTube videos.
And they look at the YouTube videos that says like the seven texts who save your
marriage from divorce. For example,
the seven things you can say to prevent divorce. And this video is,
might tell you, for example, Hey,
the first thing you need to do is to actually respect your partner's desire for
divorce or some space and give her that space,
right? So you do it, but you don't really know why you're doing it.
And you haven't really made the internal shifts to be able to do it properly.
So what happens here, usually you will say, Hey, uh, you know,
I respect your desire for space. I'll give you some space, whatever.
And then they're part of response to them by saying, I don't care.
I still want to divorce.
And as soon as their partner says that,
then they will go back on everything they just said,
and they'll get all needy and say, wait, you still want a divorce? Wait,
forget it. When I said that, I want, it's going to give you space.
Um, when did to talk about this because the divorce is going to be very,
very devastating for us. Like before we get to divorce,
let's talk about this first.
So a minute ago you were trying to give your partner space,
but then a minute later you were going back on all those things you said,
and actually checking in your pirate again,
not getting your partner space and forcing you upon her to talk to you,
to express to you and so on. And you do this because yes,
you understand the right tactics, but you haven't embraced the right mindsets,
the right internal shifts for you to be able to play out the tactics in the
correct way. And when you do this,
it'll just show her that all you're doing here,
just playing some manipulation game, playing off some scripts,
but you haven't really made any internal shifts within to actually mean what you
say. And if you convey this to her,
she will not be convinced of your changes at all,
and will never emotionally choose to come back to you.
And the other thing it shows too,
is that it shows that you're not really committed and willing to make the
longterm changes. The difficult longterm changes.
That actually matter that you're just looking for these quick fixes and the
quick things you can say to convince her, Hey, are you ready to fix this now?
So way should do. Instead here is to not only learn the skills,
but also learn the fundamental paradigm shifts so that not only do you know why
you're saying the things we're saying, but also how you can make it,
so that doing the right thing,
going to become genuine and a more effortless for you are not using your
willpower or something fake to do it.
And the last toxic thing that people do is going back to their old ways,
especially when they're cornered, what do we mean by this?
So what happens to most people is that, you know,
when their partner first threatens to divorce,
they find themselves in a pretty hopeful position.
And when they're in this hopeful position, when they're not cornered, you know,
whatever, I teach them, they can really absorb it very well. You know, they say,
Oh, you want me to be the captain of the ship and be positive? Cool. I got that.
No, no worries. Let me to work on that.
You want me to be wanting and not needing no problem. I can embrace that.
You want me to not check in all the time and not coming from a place of need.
I can do that and make genuine changes to myself. Sure, sure. I can do that.
But then let's say one day their partner tells them, look,
I want a divorce today. This is nonnegotiable. I want a divorce today.
As soon as their partner says that, it's like, they forgot everything.
So when they're cornered,
they instantly go back to their old ways and they tell me things like, you know,
how can I be positive?
How can I be hopeful if my partner is threatening divorce right now,
how can I not need this relationship? You know,
my part of threatened divorce right now, I need to have this divorce not happen,
or they'll say like,
how can I not constantly check in and be curious if my partner has threatened
divorce today, you know, forget about the genuine changes.
It takes a long time to make, I need the quick scripts now.
And so we know when they're cornered,
they instantly go back to their old ways and they keep making the same mistakes
that got them to where they were in the first place.
So understand here that the temptation to go back to your old ways,
to your desperate controlling ways will always be strongest when you're
cornered.
But here's the difference between people who are successful in my program versus
people who are not the people who are not successful,
they use them being cornered as an excuse to go back to the old ways,
just like I mentioned before,
but the people who are successful heap with their new ways,
especially when they're cornered, because they know that when they're corner,
that's the more reason why they should play out the new ways of doing things.
The new productive ways of doing things to have any hope of reconciling this
marriage.
And if you want more information that can help you make the insane and massive
transformations in your own life and for you to learn the right paradigms and
mindset shifts so that you know,
doing the right things and doing the right tactics can become a lot more
effortless to you. In second nature to you,
then you want to join me in my free master class in a five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up and in this master class,
I'll not only show you the exact same system and the exact same process that all
my students have used to go from a brink of divorce,
to a place where the relationship thrives.
But also I'm going to show you how to simplify the problem that you're facing
right now. You know, when you're in the brink of a divorce,
it can seem very complex that it feels like you have to fix a thousand things,
but I'm going to show you the next step.
You need to take to start reconciling your marriage step by step,
but in a sure fire way,
and also show you more mindset shifts that you can take away with you today to
be able to start to change the way you approach your relationship and change
your actions and change your responses to begin reconciling that marriage.
So if that sounds interesting to you,
then you want to click the link above my head or down in the description of
comments below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free resource that can help you lead conversations
better, you know, the conversations that never lead to any arguments.
So you can actually heal your partner's emotions,
resolve some conflicts together and start reconciling this marriage.
Then you want to download the free guide I have for you either above my head or
down below in the submission box below, or the comment box below as well.
And if you're looking for a community where you can post your questions and
actually get good advice on those questions for me or other members of the
community,
then you also want to join my free Facebook group by clicking the link down
below this video, as well. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below on what did you find most insightful or eye opening in
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I'm going to give you two more videos here that you can watch,
and it could be with the right skills and knowledge to understand what you need
to do when you are. You find yourself in a brink of divorce, right?
This very moment. But for now, I'll see you in the next video.