- Where I felt so hopeless and helpless and just,
just not myself that I was like crying.
I'd come home from school and I would just cry,
and I wouldn't want to come out of my bedroom.
And I didn't want to talk to my mom about...
How I can still kind of struggle sometime (blows raspberry)
In this video, I'm sharing for the first time
my personal experience with depression
and how I pulled myself out,
and also how I can often still struggle today.
And the reason that I wanna talk about this
is I think sometimes depression is overlooked
or minimized and often, misunderstood.
People using the term like I'm just so depressed
when they're having a down moment or maybe had a rough day
or something didn't go the way they wanted.
But I think when we use terms that way,
we can feel like, oh, they're drawing more attention to it,
or they're calling it out,
or we're being more open
about mental health and mental illness.
But I think it can also sometimes minimize those
who are really struggling or cause misunderstandings,
where people think depression is something that it isn't.
And depression isn't just feeling bad or having a bad day.
Depression is much more than that.
When I first felt depressed,
I think I was maybe a sophomore,
maybe a freshman in high school.
And I wanna say, it would last and off and on
up until my senior year of high school,
which is part of the reason, if you don't know,
why I started therapy at the age of 15.
My mom and dad had gone to couples counseling
and we went as a family and I loved it.
It's like it was something that I really needed at the time.
And so I continued to go.
And part of that was brought on by the fact that, I mean,
I was going through puberty, right?
It's like early high school, like out of middle school.
It's that time frame in your life.
I first started having crushes on boys
and not all of them had crushes on me
or didn't like me in the way I liked them.
Or girls were gossiping
and I dealt with bullying off and on,
probably in middle school, mostly,
but working into my freshmen, sophomore year of high school.
And all of those things happen at the same time,
just put me in a dark place.
And the first thing I noticed
was actually that I had kind of like body aches
and thought I was coming down with a cold,
and I was tired a lot.
And went to the doctor, nothing was wrong.
And because my mom and dad had started therapy
and I'd gone into family counseling,
that was when I branched out and I saw,
I think her name was Sue, was my first therapist.
But that was kind of my first foray
into taking care of my mental health
and struggling with a mental illness.
And it got so bad that there was a point
where, and I don't want to get emotional,
I'm trying to pull together,
where I felt so hopeless and helpless
and just not myself, that I was like crying.
I'd come home from school and I would just cry.
And I wouldn't want to come out of my bedroom.
And I didn't want to talk to my mom about it.
And she would like check in on me.
And I remember her sending flowers to school
to like try to brighten my day.
And that was just my mom.
She does her best and she's oh.
But I really struggled.
And it was getting to the point
where nothing I could do in therapy
was really making it any better.
And so I went on medication for about a year,
six months to a year.
And probably that, in combination with weekly therapy,
really helped pull me out.
And I was fine and feeling good
for probably the next four or five years.
And then as, maybe not even that long,
'cause it was my sophomore year of college.
And not to tell you too much about my life,
but I went to Pepperdine for college for my freshman year.
And right before I was supposed to go
into my sophomore year of school,
my mom's dad who was funding,
he was offering to pay for my schooling as a loan
with, I think, little to no interest for me
as, you know, cause he could afford to
and I was super grateful.
And then right before I went into my sophomore year,
he decided that he didn't wanna do that anymore.
But I'd already said no
to all of the loans and grants and stuff like that.
And so anyways,
I had to withdraw from Pepperdine for a year,
my sophomore year.
And I was in a really dark place that year.
And it was really hard
being pulled away from what I had known
and what I'd worked so hard to get to
and not being able to,
I had to get all the financial stuff in order.
So I was able to go back my junior year
or actually the summer before.
But for that year,
I was in Seattle going to a community college
so I could keep up with my courses.
And I was definitely not a happy person.
I wasn't in a good head space.
I was super, super down.
I've told many of you on Patreon live streams
over the years how I was so unhappy
that one of my closest friends at the time sat me down
and she was like, "I love you,
but you're really hard to be around."
And it was a wake up call that I needed.
Because I wasn't in therapy.
I wasn't taking care of myself.
I was just like venting and I was angry all the time.
And for me, depression affects, like I said,
it gave me body aches when I was younger.
I don't get that as much anymore,
but I definitely will wanna sleep a lot.
I'll be extremely tearful.
I will be unmotivated.
And everything just seems to take way too much energy
more than I have in me.
And I won't be hungry.
My hunger-fullness cues are completely off.
And so those are things that were all affected
during this time.
And I remember when my friend told me
I was hard to be around,
I remember thinking like, "How do you think I feel?"
I don't like being around me either.
That's why I'm so upset
and that's why I'm so blah, you know?
There was so much turmoil in my life and a lot of change
that I felt was completely out of my control.
And so, I got back into therapy.
And I haven't been back on medications
since that period when I was in high school.
But I want everybody out there to know
that if you feel like that's something that you need,
there's no judgment, there's no stigma.
It's just another tool, another resource,
another way to help ourselves, right,
as we're struggling.
Sometimes we can't even get our head above water enough
to (inhales deeply) get full breatH, right?
And so I definitely have felt that way.
And I went through that and I felt like I pulled myself out.
I got a wonderful therapist at Pepperdine.
Her name was Rebecca.
I saw her for free through the school.
And it was a godsend that I saw her
and built that relationship.
Because I saw her, at least once a week
and sometimes twice a week, as my dad's health declined.
And he ended up passing away when I was in graduate school.
So flash forward another, let's say four or five years,
my dad passed away and I was grateful that I had her.
And I remember being really grateful to Sean
for putting up with me.
Because at the time, I would get like really, really sad
and then I'd get really angry,
'cause anger is always my protective emotion.
And we would go out and if I had like two drinks, you guys,
I would be angry about anything and everything.
And I was inconsolable.
And again, I didn't wanna be me.
I didn't like how I was.
I didn't like the person that was turning into.
And I would think about it after the fact
or the morning after, or even in the evening of,
and I'd be like, "What are you doing?"
And I just felt completely out of control.
And I don't know if that's anyone else's experience.
But it was really a godsend for me to up my therapy sessions
and to start really talking about what was upsetting.
Because it was the stuffing down
that was causing the anger to come out
because I felt so, I don't even know what the word is.
It's like I felt so dysregulated.
And so, like I was a passenger in my own life.
I wasn't in control.
I was just riding along.
And I think taking the time
to process through losing my dad
and going to graduate school,
and trying to make ends meet,
because if anybody knows, I put myself through school
and those like loans come due quick
and interest rates are terrible.
I feel like they just screw over students.
It's really terrible.
But coming out of that was just so incredibly stressful
and I didn't have any other way to cope.
And so that was probably, honestly,
the last real bout of depression that I had.
And I have to assume that that's because I've been
in more consistent therapy.
And yes, I know I moved to Texas
and I haven't found someone that I've connected with yet,
but I plan on it.
And I think for me,
the way that I kind of stave it off and keep it at bay
is by taking breaks,
by connecting with people that I care about
who really get me,
and by consistent therapy.
And I think giving myself the space to really vent
and talk about all that is going on inside of me
allows me to feel less alone
and not so out of control or dysregulated.
Because I think that, in the end, is really what gets me
and then my whole system feels affected.
Like I said, my sleep and my hunger-fullness
and just like my motivation.
And so anyways, I'm not sharing this
to make you feel bad for me or anything.
I'm doing okay.
I just get tearful.
You know me, I'm a crier.
I get tearful when I talk about things
that are really personal.
But I want you to that depression doesn't always look
the way that you think it's gonna look.
It's not just a sad person.
I know a lot of times we think it's just someone who's sad.
I was actually angry.
And if you'd met me during those times,
you would think, "Kati's just like fiery.
She's just a feisty personality kind of person."
No, I was depressed.
I was just super,
that's just how I expressed it to people out in the world,
and taking care of myself and prioritizing therapy.
And I know it can be expensive for people.
But like I said, I went to therapy for free
when I was in college.
There's also like, I used to work at this clinic
called The Center for Individual & Family Counseling
in North Hollywood.
A lot of people saw me for free
or for 20 bucks a session.
There are ways to get help when we need it.
There's even BetterHelp.
I have a link in the description to BetterHelp.
There's Talkspace.
There's Crisis Text Line.
There's a lot of ways for us to get help when we need it.
And I would just encourage each and every one of you,
if you're feeling any kind of way,
where you don't feel like yourself,
you don't have to wait, like I did,
until you start feeling like you almost have a cold
and your body aches or you're not sleeping and not eating.
We don't even have to wait for that.
If you're just feeling not yourself
and feeling a little down and a little overwhelmed,
it's okay to reach out.
I wish I'd reached out sooner rather than later.
And now, as a 38-year-old,
I feel like I'm finally kind of getting better at that,
where I don't wait as long and I reach out more quickly.
And even when we were moving and stuff, before that,
I had already asked a friend.
I was like, "Hey, I don't really love my therapist anymore.
Can you give me any recommendations?"
And she gave me some names.
Again, obviously we moved
so it didn't really work out.
But, you know, we don't have to wait.
It's good to have somebody who can reach out to and talk to
because I really think that's what's ended up saving me
in the long run.
But I'd love to hear from you.
Are there other symptoms that you feel I didn't mention
that apply to you?
Can you share that in the comments and let people know?
'Cause sometimes I think also we don't take the time
to take stock of how we're feeling.
And so we can overlook things for a long time
without realizing how connected they are.
And also if there's other ways that you care for yourself,
I know I just mentioned therapy, taking breaks,
and medication being beneficial for me.
But what helps you?
Are there other things that you found to be healing
or are helpful with your depression or any of the symptoms?
And I also don't wanna end without mentioning
that for me, and this is so lovely/horrible,
but depression and anxiety tend to be like close cousins.
And so while I might not have any more depressive symptoms
as an adult,
I definitely feel more anxious.
And so that's something different that I have to deal with
and something different that I have to be aware of.
And that's why I talk about the body shakes all the time.
Because when I start feeling overwhelmed
and I start sweating and my heart starts racing,
those body shakes are a godsend.
Also writing things down before I go to bed
so I don't feel like I have to keep thinking about them,
that's been helpful.
Again, therapy, friends, family,
things like that are just another layer and therapy, again,
to be helpful for me.
But yeah, that's me.
That's what's what I struggled with in my life.
And I believe, to be honest,
that going through something like that
makes me better at my job.
It makes me a better therapist.
I know some people think, "Oh, I can't trust a therapist
who's had mental health issues themselves
or struggles with a mental illness."
I think it makes us better.
I think then we can have more empathy.
We actually understand at least part
of what people might be going through.
And having gone to therapy, I feel like makes me better
because then I know what it's like
to sit in the waiting room and flip the switch
to let them know I'm there and fill out that paperwork,
and have them ask,
"What brought you in and how's that make you feel?"
And all that stuff that they ask
that sometimes you're like, "What does that mean?"
You know, I think it's helpful
to have that perspective as well.
So don't think that if you want to have a future
in the mental health field as a professional,
that you can't because of mental health issues,
because you definitely can,
and I think it makes us even better at our jobs.
Yeah, I'm sure I'm forgetting some things.
I took a bunch of notes,
but I just rambled off the top of my head.
But I hope that was helpful.
I only share because I hope that it reminds you
that you're not alone
and that things can and will get better.
We just have to be aware of it
and enlist some supports as we need them.
But I hope you have
a wonderful, wonderful rest of your week.
Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next time.
(bright music)