Here it is, the first instruction of the day.
We start with something with which you should be familiar:
a quarter-mile drag race. Who's got the fastest van?
What's that actually got to do with anything?
You're gonna come last.
Actually, there is a point:
The self-employed van driver can't afford
to waste his day with a tool that isn't quick enough.
Mid-engine is right here, which gives me perfect weight distribution,
so dynamically, I'm already ahead.
I wasn't expecting much oomph,
unlike our cameraman who's used to filming much faster stuff than this.
I'm no match for a hamster. Look at this postage stamp go.
Probably the best part of 50 brake horsepower.
James and I have the same two-and-a-half litre Ford engine,
but he had more weight.
Goodbye, mate!
Come on!
Yeah! I'm gonna pass the line, and I'm doing nearly 60!
Was that good? Average.
James came in noisy last in motorsport's slowest ever drag race,
and Hammond had won it, which seemed to please him.
Where did that come from?
Then it was time for challenge number two.
A good van driver must be able to load his van
as quickly and efficiently as possible.
You must now fill your vehicles with the selection of cargo
and deliver it safely to the drop-off. You will be racing each other.
I hope it's a really big pile of stuff.
I don't like manual labour.
Our cargo included all the bits and bobs a man in a van might be expected to carry.
Everything from vases to expensive works of art
and from double mattresses to illegal immigrants.
Three, two, one, go!
There may be issues here.
Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small as well.
Painted by Ronny Shephard.
James was having problems with his illegal immigrant.
Come on.
So he decided to employ him.
Meanwhile, Jeremy was being as practical as ever.
Oh! That's...
Just mind that.
Who says that loading a van is a slow process?
That didn't break. Yes, it did. That did.
How do you say 'You go in the front in Albanian'?
Get in the back, hide under the mattress. And you owe me 20 grand.
I'm done.
Hold tight!
James had indeed set off first,
but the winner was the first cross the line and then get his van unloaded,
so I hatched a dastardly plan.
Unload that, mate.
Empty. I think I've won something.
Cannily, James had driven a few feet forward, so he could unload,
but he was still having trouble with his immigrant.
He therefore finished second.
Hammond, well, he looked ridiculous and he was last.
I'll tell you what, though. We're no worse than the last removal people I used.
So, the next challenge then.
Here we go.
Possibly the most important skill a van driver must have
is the ability to sit right on the tail of the car in front,
so each of you must now drive up the runway
and get as close as possible to the bumper of a lane hogger in front
without touching.
The closer you get, the more points you get.
Hammond went first with Jeremy and I posing as the lane hoggers.
Right, 40, set.
We would measure the gap between us
using a special laser mounted on the back of the car.
This will be quite easy. It's got a completely flat front,
so basically, I just keep going until my knees touch the back.
It's like been followed by a small insect.
He's not frightening me.
He is 31.9 millimetres away which is a vast yawning chasm.
You could park a bus in that gap, Hammond.
Hammond responded.
Eighteen point nine.
Ten point three four millimetres.
He did a 10.3.
Next it was Jeremy with 10.3 millimetres to beat.
Here he comes. Now that's a familiar sight on the road, isn't it?
90 millimetres, 60 millimetres.
This is the problem with the transit: You cannot see where the front is.
You just can't. There's nothing.
What's he doing?
With most of my torso out of the window, I had a much clearer view.
Now he's hit us. He's hit us--
-No. -No, that's...
No, that's...
He must have bent the bumper side, because he went to minus six millimetres.
Finally, it was James's turn and he had an even bigger problem than me.
What's it say? Is i measuring miles?
We are going to run out of runway before James gets anywhere near us.
Captain Slow, living up to his name there. And now, the next challenge.
Van drivers never waste their profits on vehicle maintenance,
so you must now each change the front door of your own van.
You'll be racing against each other.
-That's more manual labour. -Yes, it is.
Three, two, one, go.
Right.
May I be excused from this? Oh look.
The producers said no,
so while the others set to work with spanners, I broke out my ingenuity.
James, can I borrow your van?
That did the trick.
That's off.
Soon we were all trying to attach the new doors
with varying degrees of intelligence.
The bust of all!
Yeah!
I was the first to finish without using Sellotape.
-Door in place. -Go and open it.
-What? -Open it.
It doesn't say anything about opening it. It said get a new door.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
James meanwhile was taking so long that he ran out of time.
I was about to finish.
No, you weren't. You were fiddling with your spanners, polishing them.
He'd given them names.
-This is Jeffrey, this is Ian, Steven. -Get on with it.