It's summer 2019, a far more simple and naive time.
You've heard rumors for a while now of a brand new movie featuring everyone's favorite super-speed
garden critter, Sonic the Hedgehog, and with great anticipation you rush to Youtube the
day the first trailer is dropped!
You click with supersonic speed that play button, then lean back and prepare to take
in all the wonderful, gooey nostalgia that's about to be delivered to you courtesy of Sony
Pictures!
Then 'it' appears on screen.
It... looks like Sonic, but something is seriously wrong.
Its eyes are too small, and the wrong color to boot.
Also it looks just so... weirdly proportioned.
Sonic looks less like a superpowered hedgehog and more like a lanky teen hitting his first
awkward growth spurt.
But the true horror comes when it starts to speak... is that... human teeth?!
Did Sony give Sonic human teeth?!
Yes, you realize with growing horror, Sonic now has human teeth, because either some animator
didn't bother to do a second draft on the character, or Sony used its millions of dollars
to abduct an orphan from some dark alleyway and genetically modify an innocent child into
an actual talking hedgehog.
With human teeth.
Oh sure, a few months later and after a frantic effort to avoid a colossal box office failure-
here's looking at you, Cats!- Sony would release a new trailer, featuring a completely updated
design of Sonic by an animator who doesn't hate the idea of fun.
But Sony isn't fooling you- you know 'it' is out there.
Somewhere, likely lurking in the dark backlot of Sony studios is the genetically modified
freak hedgehog with human teeth, waiting to take its revenge on a world that cried out
in horror at its abominable appearance.
It's sort of like Phantom of the Opera, only with a freakshow hedgehog.
Well, not on your watch.
You pack your bag and fly out to Los Angeles, ready to storm Sony Studios' gates and eliminate
this C'thulhian abomination that should never have been in the first place.
So Sony Pictures accidentally unleashed a genetically modified hedgehog with horrible
human teeth on the world, and now that hedgehog is looking to destroy the world that turned
its back on its awfulness- how are you going to fight and defeat Sonic the Hedgehog?
To defeat your enemy, you must as always, know your enemy.
Sonic comes from a world we actually know very little about.
What is clear is that this is a world where the common hedgehog evolved to become a supernaturally
fast sprinter, and Sonic is easily head and spikes above all other hedgehogs in this department.
Called the fastest living creature, Sonic spends his days looking for adventures, unable
to sit still for very long.
Typically this gets him into trouble with his longtime adversary, Dr. Eggman Robotnik.
Sonic possesses a very strong moral compass, and thus frequently finds himself trying to
unravel another plot by the nefarious Dr. Eggman.
Not much is known about Sonic's past, save for the fact that Dr. Eggman is his longest
lasting relationship- which probably speaks volumes about Sonic's psyche.
Whatever the origin of their feud, the two are destined to continue battling forever
it seems, as Sonic attempts to dismantle evil plot after evil plot by the nefarious Doctor.
What we do know about Sonic's personality is that he can be quite the sarcastic quipper,
and loves nothing more than dropping a one-liner as he defeats an enemy- in a sort of 80's
action movie kind of way.
He's extremely confident, perhaps overly confident, but rarely gets himself into a spot he can't
get out of- except for water.
Sonic is famously scared of water, and will do anything he can do to avoid it.
Perhaps it's because water slows Sonic down, though it's been widely alluded that Sonic
doesn't know how to swim and often wears life jackets if forced to be in water.
Sonic brings quite a lot to the table when it comes to a fight to the death.
Obviously, he's extremely fast- though exactly how fast is unknown.
Most people believe he is merely supersonic, meaning that he can exceed the speed of sound,
though some believe that he is hypersonic, or up to four times faster than the speed
of sound.
It has been hinted at that Sonic can actually move faster than the speed of light, at least
for short bursts, and that possibly there's no limit to his speed.
That's largely because according to Sonic himself, his power seems to increase by small
increments daily, meaning the longer he is alive the faster he'll become.
Luckily hedgehogs have an average lifespan of only two to five years.
All that speed lets Sonic run straight up walls, run over water, and even along ceilings,
although modern physics has a lot to say about at least two of those abilities.
Sonic can also achieve even faster bursts of speed by taking a moment to rev up in place,
and unleash a blindingly fast sprint that can devastate anything he runs into.
By curling up into a ball, Sonic can smash through solid walls with his stiff spikes,
which can become harder than steel.
It's not just Sonic's legs that move at super speed though, but crucially it's his brain
that also moves this fast.
Having superspeed would be completely useless if you didn't have the ability to process
sensory information at equally super fast speeds- imagine if you could run at the speed
of sound but your brain processed things at the regular speed you have now.
That would be one good way to turn yourself into a high-speed pancake against a wall somewhere
since you’d be moving too fast to react to it.
Sonic's speed-centric powers also allow him to heal very quickly by vibrating his body
at high speed.
While science is still not settled on the specifics, initial research shows that a cat's
purring causes vibrations that actually help wounds heal.
In essence, the vibration simulates high intensity exercise which promotes bone and muscle growth,
only with the handy shortcut of not having to actually do any exercise.
This might be the secret behind Sonic's incredibly speed- if he simply vibrated his body at high
speed for several minutes each day, it would be like his muscles were getting an intense
workout, getting ever stronger and stronger.
Sonic can also protect himself from danger by causing a rapid vibration with his body
that creates a shockwave around him, deflecting projectiles or damaging foes.
He can also run in a circle super fast and thus create strong winds with which to blow
enemies away or suck them in.
Lastly, Sonic appears to be incredibly resilient to damage, probably as a result of his super-Hulked
out muscles.
He's able to burst through walls with no visible damage, and once even survived re-entry into
the earth from outer space.
If that wasn't enough though, Sonic can become empowered with various artifacts to reach
incredible new heights of power.
Luckily for you though, you're facing off against an impostor Sonic with human teeth,
so this Sonic won't be able to go super-saiyan on you and obliterate you with lightning bolts.
However, even without this power-up ability, you're in for one hell of a fight.
So, just how in the world are you going to defeat impostor Sonic?
First, you're going to have to pick your battlefield.
You want to avoid fighting Sonic in a place that lets him use his greatest advantage:
speed, and one that's going to trigger his natural fears and insecurities.
This means you're going to need water.
A mangrove forest is going to be your choice, as it features a lot of flooded strands that
Sonic will be reluctant to cross, and enough trees packed tightly enough in that it'll
force Sonic to duck and weave as he tries to make his way to you.
Let's face it, in his world Sonic can violate the rules of physics all he wants- in ours
though, not so much.
While having Sonic run into you at full speed will leave you as nothing more than a fine
red mist slowly dissipating in the wind, Sonic is going to have to avoid the same fate himself
as he ducks and waves through tree trunks at super fast speeds.
You've got home-turf advantage here, you've got a world where the laws of physics says
that Sonic going full-tilt on his super speed is going to super-wreck his day, no matter
how tough he is.
The next part of your plan to defeat Sonic though is going to require some genetic engineering,
and luckily with Sony Pictures realizing they've let loose a genetic atrocity on the world,
they'll likely be more than willing to lend you the aid of the same evil geneticists that
they hired to create this imposter sonic in the first place.
Commercial adhesives generally come in two varieties: cyanoacrylates and epoxies.
Cyanoacrylates are known as instant glues, and are generally used by home DIY'ers and
kids in art classes that want to get their scissors stuck to their hands or some other
area of their body.
These glues dry quickly and provide an extremely powerful bond, as they are resistant to chemical
removal, water, and even heat.
However they are not very flexible and will become brittle if forced to expand, contract,
or bend.
Epoxies are used in everything from aircraft to boats, and are strong, very flexible, and
waterproof.
They also resist heat and cold very well, which makes them ideal for high-performance
machines such as airplanes and cars.
Yet as powerful as even epoxies are, there is another type of glue that is up to three
times more powerful than anything man-made, and no, it has nothing to do with spider silk!
The tiny bacterium, Caulobacter crescentus, has been discovered to produce what may be
the toughest glue in the world, and since we're not aware of life on any other planet,
it officially makes this the strongest adhesive in the universe.
Sorry, aliens, if you want to be counted maybe stop hiding from us.
Using adhesive strands, the bacterium attaches itself to rocks in rivers, streams, and water
pipes, and rides out even the strongest currents never once budging an inch.
Scientists aren't quite sure how the bacterium accomplishes this incredible feat, but they've
made some headway into recreating the stuff in a laboratory, with dreams of using this
super glue commercially.
How strong is it though you may ask?
Well, it can withstand a force equal to three cars piled on top of a single quarter, or
in more plainspeak, “a buttload of force”.
Imposter Sonic with creepy human teeth is a threat to the whole planet, and there's
no doubt that Sony will gladly put its evil geneticists to work on developing a commercial
version of this bacteria's super glue- while taking a break from bastardazing more of your
favorite childhood figures of course.
Armed with a few gallons of this super glue, defeating imposter Sonic is as simple as dousing
him in the stuff.
He can vibrate, he can flail around, he can throw a tantrum all he wants- this stuff is
so strong that Sonic won't be able to do anything but resign himself to his ultimate fate.
But how do you kill a hedgehog that's basically bulletproof?
Well, there's only one place to make sure this evil Sonic lookalike never sees the light
of day again.
For fans of our You Versus series, you already know that there's some evil so powerful, you
can never truly defeat it.
You're also aware that we're fans of simply throwing that evil into the deepest, darkest
places one earth where it'll remain trapped forever.
That's right, it's time to introduce this Sonic impostor to the Litke Deep, the deepest
spot in the Arctic ocean.
Over seventeen thousand feet deep, this is a place untouched by the world's fishing fleets,
which like to drop nets to the ocean floor and scoop up hundreds of fish at a time.
It's also the home of other evils you simply can't truly defeat, such as Pinhead and Chucky
the murder doll, both of which you've already dropped to the briny depths of the Litke Deep
in previous You Versus episodes- at least fake sonic will have great company!
So defeating your glued-up Sonic is basically just one boat ride away.
Shove him overboard and try not to look into his eerily-human like features that look up
at you in terror as the deep black water swallows him up.
Try not to think that it's not his fault Sony made him into a modern Frankenstein, and definitely
don't get guilt-tripped into feeling bad about the fact that this poor Sonic impostor never
asked to be born in the first place- because hey, you did it, you defeated the evil Sonic
impostor and saved the world.
Now, maybe it's time to defeat Sony Pictures so they never again let loose such evil on
our world again.
Now click that mouse at supersonic speed and click one of the super interesting videos
right here on the screen!
Be fast!
You don’t have much time!
Both videos are awesome!
I promise!