-Running a bit behind today.
I thought if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out
my weekly thank you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
[ Soft piano music plays ]
[ Light laughter ]
Always in a good mood. -Wow.
-Always in a good mood. -Super Valentine-y.
-Yeah, he breathes laughing gas. -Yeah.
Before each show? -Yeah.
-Wow.
[ Laughter ]
[ Soft piano music plays ]
-Thank you, candy hearts, for letting me know
what it would look like if sidewalk chalk hooked up
with a drunk text.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Hug me!"
[ Laughter ]
Hug me.
I say that every time I see you in the hallway.
-I do. I go, "Hug me, man."
And then you walk right on by,
pretend like you don't even see me.
I'm surprised you even heard it.
-Yeah, I did. -Act like you don't.
[ Light laughter ]
Kind of hurts a little.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience aws ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Alice Merton's "No Roots" plays ]
-♪♪ Grow old ♪♪
♪♪ I won't forget to find them ♪♪
♪♪ I like digging holes ♪♪
♪♪ Hiding things inside them ♪♪
♪♪ When I grow old ♪♪
♪♪ I won't forget to find them ♪♪
-♪♪ I've got no roots ♪♪
♪♪♪♪
-Oh, man.
[ Cowbell strikes ] [ Duck sound ]
[ Light laughter ]
[ Soft piano music plays ]
Thank you, Donald Trump, requesting a military parade,
for being the first time someone will tell Trump,
"Here comes the airplane," without putting
a spoon in his mouth.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"Wall."
"Walnut." -"I don't like it.
I don't like it, I don't want to eat it."
-"I'm not going to eat any of it."
-Here comes the airplane! Here comes the airplane!
[ Making baby noises at each other ]
Open the hanger. -"Thanks, Mother."
-"But I don't like it at all." "What is it?"
-"It's food." -"But what kind of food?"
-"It's your favorite kind." -"What?"
-"Wall-nut."
[ Light laughter ]
-"Fake food."
-"S-holes."
-"What kind of food, is it my favorite?"
-"Yes, fake."
-"Money-flavored food?"
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that's right. Here's your money flavored food.
-"I'm a billionaire."
[ Light laughter ]
Not so fast.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Soft piano music plays ]
-Thank you, February, for having an extra "R"
that makes me sound like Tom Brokaw.
[ As Brokaw ] "Febrruarry.
Febrruarry.
Febrruarry is my favorite month forreverr."
[ Light laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] We love Tom Brokaw.
[ Soft piano music plays ]
-Thank you, Cupid, for being the only time a baby in diapers
holding a weapon has made someone think,
"We should hook up."
[ Laughter ]
Baby has a bow and arrow.
-I like that.
That's hitting something with me.
-That's a full-on weapon, yeah.
♪♪ Cupid and a crossbow ♪♪
♪♪ Mmm mmm, mmm mmm, mmm ♪♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Soft piano music plays ]
Thank you, Olympic Village, for distributing a record number
of condoms to athletes at this year's games and sparing
the world from an incredible generation
of super athletic babies.
-Yeah!
-What's the problem? -I said, what's the deal?
-♪♪ Baby with a crossbow ♪♪
Ow!
-♪♪ Baby with a crossbow ♪♪
-♪♪ Whoop, there it is ♪♪
[ Laughter ]
What rhymes with crossbow? Anything?
-Afro. -Afro?
Like a -- -Afro.
-Yeah. ♪♪ Baby with a crossbow ♪♪
♪♪ Wearing an afro ♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-It's more like '80s, like --
[ Drums play ] ♪♪ Duh duh duh duh duh duh, dow ♪♪
[ 80's pop music plays ]
♪♪ I turn around it's a baby with a crossbow ♪♪
♪♪ I turn around it's a drummer with an afro ♪♪
♪♪ I turn around it's a baby with a crossbow ♪♪
♪♪ Baby with a crossbow ♪♪
♪♪♪♪
-El doctro.
-There you go.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Whoop, there it is!
[ Soft piano music plays ]
-Thank you, Ferrero Rocher, for being the fanciest way
to say surprisingly inexpensive chocolate nut ball.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Surprisingly inexpensive. -Must be classic.
-[ As Brokaw ] "Ferrerro Rrocherr.
Ferrerro Rrocherr in Febrruarry."
[ Laughter ]
[ Soft piano music plays ]
-[ Normal voice ] Thank you, toasters, for being
the only kitchen appliance that uses Jack-In-The-Box technology.
There you go. Those are my thank you notes!