Hi.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And this video is Three Steps to Having Good Boundaries.
Now if you're watching this video, we're gonna imagine that maybe you've had issues with
boundaries in the past; maybe there's places where people have stepped on you and you haven't
made it clear that that's not okay for you, maybe there's places where you've over given
or overworked or over compensated and we really want to help you end that behavior today in
this video.
And the boundaries are attractive right, so why is it important to watch this video?
Well, one, you get to feel like you get to be more of yourself in a relationship with
somebody when you're able to draw boundaries, and two, you actually give the other person
a gift because they start to feel like they're in a relationship with a real person that
actually has psychological boundaries that are precious, that they are valuing and you
give your partner the opportunity to actually value you and your values as well by being
able to assert your boundaries.
I think often what gets in the way of people who serve in their boundaries is they think
that they're putting a burden on the other person by expressing their boundaries.
Rather, than seeing that you expressing your boundaries is what actually gives your partner
a sense of safety because they know where they stand with you.
Totally.
Yes.
So, maybe let's break out the three steps.
Let's do it.
So, step number one is Honor Self.
And Honor Self means that you take your needs, your desires, your wants seriously and that
you pay attention to them.
Now, what makes this difficult is that often if we don't honor self, we're actually honoring
other over honoring self.
And we tend to be moreover there with someone else than over here with myself so the way
that honor self is to actually stay centered in yourself, is to slow it down and to stay
close to your own experience, to actually notice like what's going on for me like, “oh
I you know my stomach feels queasy something's not right here,” rather than just either
not having contact with that or habitually overriding it.
So, step number one is Honor Self.
You're important and your needs in a situation are as important as anyone else’s.
Right.
Step two is to slow down like Jack's talking about and begin to Get in Touch with the Value
that you are honoring.
The value that's important to you, that maybe being violated by the person or the circumstance
and if you are attention – if you're used to having your attention over here on the
other person this can be kind of difficult is to actually slow down and be like, “okay
what is it within me that why is this this feeling in my stomach coming up?”
Right.
What is it that I think is important that is currently being violated by the other person?
And what this might mean is in order for you to get to a place and name the value you might
have to remove yourself from the situation temporarily, you might have to go meditate,
or go journal or go take a walk and get in touch with what it is that you see as important
that needs to be communicated into the space between the two of you so your partner can
see and appreciate that as well.
Yes.
I love that.
Step three is to Make a Request.
So, if you're staying close to yourself, you may be noticing the value that's being trespassed
or that you want to you know foreground or communicate from, then step three is to actually
make a request the other person like, “hey and notice there's a thing that you're doing
that doesn't really work for me and I want to talk about it,” or “hey I like that
you want to hang out doesn't actually work for me to hang out Wednesday how are you looking
on Friday?”
Alright.
You see what you just directly and simply kind of ask for what it is that you want.
So, now if we can kind of wrap that up quickly into some kind of example?
Yes.
Let's try it.
Off camera we were talking about this possible like a need for autonomy or maybe even a need
to feel respected by the other person but let's shoot for the autonomy I thought that
came out nicely.
So, say that you have a need for autonomy and somebody is wanting much more attention
or perhaps there something happening and you're wanting a little bit to maybe a little bit
more alone time, some me time totally how would you go through these three steps and
communicate them in a way that honored self, name the value and then made the request?
So, give me something like this, “hey I noticed there's something important to me
that I want to communicate to you (step one, honor self), I'm noticing that I would like
to have some more alone time (step 2, valuing autonomy) and I'm wondering it would be okay
for you that instead of us spending time together tonight that maybe we would both at home but
we actually spend time separately so that I can have a little bit of space, would that
be okay with you?”
Beautiful.
So, very simple and that was elegant just how you move for the three steps there.
And you see what you might come up against as you get in touch with these values and
you think about getting them out into the space between you and your partner is the
very – what seems like a very real fear that if you put a boundary out there that
they might leave you, that if you put yourself out there and draw a line in the sand of something
that's important to you and you know where your clear Yes is and where you're clear No
is that the other person might not want anything to do with you and leave so oftentimes this
is at the root of what causes us to compromise ourselves and not actually express who we
are in that relationship.
Yes.
So, we can call that a fear of rejection or fear of abandonment.
So, this is actually a really powerful way to be vulnerable in a relationship right.
Vulnerability isn't just expressing necessarily your feelings of love and affection towards
the other person, it's actually expressing those things that are important to you and
sometimes they may cause a little bit of friction in the relationship right.
There might be a little bit of fighting that happens and that's natural with two people
that are coming together and figuring out who they are and what they deem is important.
You want to make sure that you're not avoiding those conflicts because then you're just building
up a virtual pattern of overlooking yourself and we know where that goes that basically
simplicity goes to resentment.
No one can continually overlook themselves ongoingly without at some point being like,
“hey what about me?”
and really your resentment is not truthful it's not other person is that yourself it
is you're not though you're not honoring yourself.
And it's not the other person's job to figure out the things that you could reveal and communicate
in your adult.
And then what that brings that they happen what happens is you may find yourself having
a disproportionate reaction - some small infraction from your partner where you just blow up on
them because you've got all this stuff that's building and that's you know they're on the
defensive, they're not even listening anymore to you because they feel so attacked and they're
not able to understand why you're having this reaction to them.
And this is what causes breakups, this is what causes an incredible amount of rupturing
that can happen in a relationship.
So, that's why good boundaries are good for both parties.
So, we wanted to share something.
We have a webinar.
We do here the webinar that's called Three Keys To Being Relationship Ready – How Successful
Women Find A High-Quality Man.
So, this is a relationship for women who want more in their relationships.
Whether you're single, or whether you have been dating a guy and you want to go from
dating to a committed relationship, this webinar has a number of keys that are really gonna
help you on that journey.
We specifically talked about to unconscious roles that women adopt which on both sides
of this boundary question, either under boundaries or over boundaries, so you'll want to you'll
want to listen to that key.
We've had really fantastic feedback on the webinar.
It's super potent use of an hour of your time and if you're interested you can see a link
below this video, click that, choose a time that works for you and we will see you there.
Take care.