WELCOME ONE AND ALL, DOWN HERE,
UP THERE, HIGH AND AWAY.
WELCOME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY DEAR FRIENDS, MY COUNTRYMEN.
WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I-- THAT'S IT.
(APPLAUSE) .
>> Jon: ALIVE AND WELL.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
>> Jon: ALIVE AND WELL.
>> Stephen: AND I AM BACK, BABY.
NOW YOU MAY HAVE READ IN THE YOU NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF HOT
GOSS," LAST WEEK I HAD COVID.
I'M VERY GRATEFUL THAT I AM FULLY VAXXED AND BOOSTED.
&-.
>> Stephen: BUT STILL, THANK YOU SCIENCE, THANK YOU SCIENCE.
BUT STILL, COVID IS NO FUN.
THE FIRST THREE DAYS SUCKED.
BUT BY DAY 6, I WAS TESTING NEGATIVE, AND NOW ON DAY TWELVE,
I'M BACK WITH A SERIOUS HEAD COLD.
SO GO FIGURE.
UNFORTUNATELY, NOT ALL IS WELL IN THE KINGDOM OF LATE NIGHT.
MY FRIEND JIMMY KIMMEL JUST ANNOUNCED THAT HE HAS COVID.
HE SAYS HE'S FEELING FINE, HE'S FULLY VAXXED AND BOOSTED, BUT
STILL, THIS IS A BROADCAST EMERGENCY TV IS DOWN A JIMMY,
RIGHT NOW AS THE HOST OF THE LATE SHOW I'M CALLING ON
PRESIDENT BIDEN TO OPEN AMERICA'S STRATEGIC JIMMY
IES BUCKET, JJ WALKER, NEWTON,.
>> Jon: SIM JIMMY SUBMIT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE I'M ON THE EAST COAST,
COAST, KIMMEL'S IN L.A., THERE'S NO WAY I COULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO
HIM.
AND YES, JUST LAST WEEK, I DID LICK A LOT OF THINGS AND FEDEX
THEM TO HIS OFFICE.
BUT I ONLY PAID FOR 2-DAY.
JUST GOTTA BE STERILE BY THE TIME HE OPENED IT.
FEEL BETTER MY DEAR FRIEND JIMMY.
ANYWAY.
A LOT HAPPENED LAST WEEK.
(APPLAUSE) SURE, WHY NOT.
A LOT HAPPENED LAST WEEK THAT I WANT
TO CATCH UP ON, STARTING WITH TE TEXT MESSAGES THE JANUARY
6TH COMMITTEE HAS GOTTEN FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF
STAFF AND HAMLET WHO FORGOT YORICK'S SKULL, MARK MEADOWS.
LAST DECEMBER, MEADOWS TURNED OVER EVIDENCE TO THE JANUARY 6
COMMITTEE ABOUT HIS COMMUNICATIONS BETWEEN ELECTION
DAY AND JOE BIDEN'S INAUGURATION.
WELL, LAST WEEK, SOME OF THAT EVIDENCE WAS LEAKED AND CNN
OBTAINED 2,319 TEXT MESSAGES.
THAT'S A LOT OF MESSAGES.
LUCKILY MEADOWS HAS T-MOBILE'S UNLIMITED TALK AND TREASON PLAN.
(APPLAUSE) SRS THERE YOU GO, EVENTUALLY.
>> Jon: DO IT FOREVER, GO ON FOREVER.
>> Stephen: UNLIMITED.
THE TEXTS DEMONSTRATE HOW MEADOWS PLAYED A KEY ROLE IN THE
ATTEMPTS TO STOP BIDEN'S CERTIFICATION ON JANUARY 6.
THERE ARE DAMNING TEXTS FROM A VARIETY OF POLITICAL AND MEDIA
FIGURES, INCLUDING FOX NEWS HOST AND MAN WAITING FOR YOU TO LOOK
AWAY SO HE CAN EAT YOUR HAMSTER, SEAN HANNITY.
ON ELECTION DAY, SEAN ASKED MEADOWS WHERE THE CAMPAIGN
NEEDED HIM TO ENCOURAGE VOTERS TO HEAD TO THE POLLS, MEADOWS
REPLIED, "STRESS EVERY VOTE MATTERS.
GET OUT AND VOTE."
TO WHICH HANNITY REPLIED, "YES SIR, ON IT."
THAT IS A SHOCKING LEVEL OF TOADYISM EVEN FOR A GUY WHO
LOOKS LIKE A BULLFROG.
BUT HE'S JUST LIVING UP TO FOX NEWS' SLOGAN: WE REPORT, YOU
DECIDE WHAT WE SHOULD SAY AND BY THE WAY, YOUR BOOT TASTES
DELICIOUS TODAY, MR. PRESIDENT.
BOOT,.
>> Jon: THE BOOT THIS KIND OF LOYALTY IS NOT
UNPRECEDENTED.
WE ALL REMEMBER WALTER CRONKITE'S FAMOUS SIGN OFF:
"AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
ALL HAIL SUPREME LEADER GERALD FORD!
OBEY!
WE MUST OBEY!" ON FRIDAY, HANNITY TRIED TO
CLAIM HE WASN'T CAUGHT, HE MEANT TO HAVE NO ETHICS:
>> I DON'T CLAIM TO BE A JOURNALIST, I CLAIM TO BE A TALK
SHOW HOST.
I AM A REGISTERED CONSERVATIVE, YES, I VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP, I
MAKE NO APOLOGIES, I GIVE MY OPINIONS STRAIGHT FORWARD.
WE EVEN DO CULTURE, WE DO SPORTS, I'M LIKE THE WHOLE
NEWSPAPER.
>> Stephen: YES, SEAN HANNITY IS JUST LIKE A NEWSPAPER, OUT OF
DATE, BAD FOR THE PLANET, ONLY RELEVANT TO PEOPLE OVER SEVENTY,
AND I'D LOVE TO SEE A PUPPY POOP ON HIM.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A PUPPY POOP, PUPPY POOP,
PUPPY DEPOOP.
IT WASN'T JUST HANNITY.
MEADOWS ALSO TEXTED WITH G.O.P.
LAWMAKERS WHO WERE COLLABORATING TO OVERTURN A FREE AND FAIR
ELECTION, LIKE ARIZONA REPRESENTATIVE AND KID DRESSED
BY HIS MOM FOR PICTURE DAY, ANDY BIGGS.
THE DAY BEFORE BIDEN'S VICTORY WAS CALLED, BIGGS TEXTED MEADOWS
A PLAN TO, "ENCOURAGE THE STATE LEGISLATURES TO APPOINT
'A-LOOK-DOORS' IN THE VARIOUS STATES WHERE THERE'S BEEN
SHENANIGANS."
>> Stephen: A-LOOK-DOORS.
IFYOU THINK THAT A-LOOK DUMB, YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT SOME VERY CHARITABLE PEOPLE HAVE SPECULATED THAT THAT IS
POSSIBLY A TYPO FOR ELECTORS.
HE IS EITHER A 'MORE-RUN' OR A 'TRAIT-DOOR.'
(APPLAUSE) , YOU HAVE TO SAY IT
SLOWLY,SLOWLY NUF.
>> Jon: REALLY CONNECT.
ANOTHER TEXT CAME FROM FORMER ENERGY SECRETARY RICK PERRY WHO
SAID: WE HAVE THE DATA DRIVEN PROGRAM THAT CAN CLEARLY SHOW
WHERE THE FRAUD WAS COMMITTED.
THIS IS THE SILVER BULLET.
PERRY DENIED HE SENT THIS TEXT, BUT LAST WEEK, WE LEARNED HE HAD
SIGNED THIS TEXT, "RICK PERRY," INCLUDING HIS NUMBER.
WHY ARE THESE GUYS ARE SO BAD AT COMMITTING CRIMES?
IT'S LIKE IF THE ZODIAC KILLER RELEASED A NOTE THAT SAID: THIS
IS THE ZODIAC SPEAKING.
"TO UNEARTH MY IDENTITY, SOLVE THE ENCLOSED CYPHER.
AND RETURN TO JOHN EVANS, 1414 HAWTHORNE LANE.
GOOD LUCK."
MEADOWS ALSO RECEIVED SOME PRETTY DUMB TEXTS FROM GEORGIA
REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN HERE GUESSING HOW
MANY THREE IS.
(LAUGHTER) ALMOST TWO WEEKS AFTER THE
CAPITOL RIOT, GREENE TEXTED MEADOWS: IN OUR PRIVATE CHAT
WITH ONLY MEMBERS, SEVERAL ARE SAYING THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE OUR
REPUBLIC IS FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO CALL FOR MARSHALL
LAW.
FIRST OF ALL... THAT'S A COUP.
SECOND OF ALL, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SPELL MARTIAL.
MARTIAL LAW IS SPELLED LIKE THIS,
AND MEANS NORMAL LAW IS SUSPENDED IN FAVOR OF MILITARY
GOVERNMENT.
WHEREAS, 'MARSHALL LAW' STATES THAT IF TJ MAXX DOESN'T HAVE IT,
MARSHALL'S DEFINITELY WILL AT OUR YELLOW TAG CLEARANCE EVENT.
REMEMBER OUR MOTTO: THE LOOSE UNDERWEAR BIN IS NEXT TO THE
CUTTING BOARDS.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: THARYTS, THAT'S MY MARSHAL'S.
GREENE IS UP FOR RE-ELECTION THIS YEAR, BUT A GROUP OF VOTERS
IS SUING TO KNOCK HER OFF THE BALLOT, CITING THE 14TH
AMENDMENT, WHICH IS DESIGNED TO BLOCK ANYONE WHO HAS, ENGAGED IN
INSURRECTION OR REBELLION AGAINST THE UNITED STATES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THAT'S SIMPLE.
THAT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
YEAH, TURNS OUT PEOPLE WHO TRY TO DESTROY THE GOVERNMENT
SHOULDN'T BE IN GOVERNMENT.
IT'S THE SAME REASON THE PHYSICIAN TREATING YOUR DIABETES
SHOULDN'T BE DR PEPPER.
OVER IN UKRAINE, AS RUSSIA'S ATTACKS CONTINUE, MORE WORLD
LEADERS ARE SHOWING SUPPORT BY VISITING KYIV.
LIKE THIS WEEKEND, WHEN A DELEGATION LED BY HOUSE SPEAKER
NANCY PELOSI TRAVELED TO UKRAINE, AND THE TRIP WAS
COMPLETELY UNANNOUNCED.
JUST WHAT EVERYONE WANTS: AN UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM GRANDMA.
(AS GRANDMOTHER) "I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND
YOU NEVER CALL ANYMORE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT BUSY DUSTING."
SOME A LISTERS AREN'T GOING UKRAINE
SOME A-LISTERS AREN'T GOING TO UKRAINE, BUT ARE STILL FINDING
WAYS TO HELP FROM AFAR.
LIKE ACTOR BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, WHO IS OPENING HIS U.K. HOME TO
UKRAINIAN REFUGEES.
GOOD FOR HIM, GOOD MAN.
YOU CAN SEE IT ALL UNFOLD IN THE NEW MARVEL MOVIE: "DR STRANGE
AND THE MULTIVERSE OF GUEST BEDROOMS."
HE HAS TO COOK BREAKFAST IN EVERY DIMENSION.
EVEN UKRAINIANS WHO AREN'T ON THE FRONT LINES ARE FINDING WAYS
TO STICK IT TO RUSSIA.
BECAUSE A VOLUNTEER ARMY OF TECH EXPERTS ARE HACKING RUSSIA AT AN
UNPRECEDENTED SCALE.
GOOD FOR THEM ALTHOUGH IT'S THAT'S GREAT, PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
ALL THOI ITS HE'S EASIER TO HACK RUSSIA THAN YOU'D
THINK.
EVERY ONE OF THEIR CAPTCHAS ( DEPRESSED )
...IS POTATO.
THESE HACKS ARE A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE THEY'VE UPENDED THE MYTH
OF RUSSIAN CYBER-SUPERIORITY, WITH THE ATTACKS BEING SEEN AS
THE SYMBOLIC 'PANTSING' OF PUTIN.
OH NO THE PANTS ARE ALL HE HAS LEFT!
YOU HAVE TO PUT IT OUT THERE.
OVERSEAS IS A BIT OF A STICKY WICKET ACROSS THE PONLD
OF A STICKY WICKET ACROSS THE POND CONCERNING HOUSE OF COMMONS
MEMBER AND PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST VICAR ALIVE, NEIL
PARISH.
PARISH WAS FORCED TO RESIGN THIS WEEKEND AFTER HE ADMITTED TO
WATCHING PORN IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
COULD HAVE BEEN ANY OF THE TOP BRITISH PORN SITES:
MASHIN' BANGERS, SPOTTED DICK, OR
BEEFEATERS.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: PARISH CLAIMS IT ALL STARTED AS AN
ACCIDENT, SAYING HE WAS MISTAKENLY DIRECTED TO PORN
WHILE LOOKING AT TRACTORS.
MAKES SENSE.
ANYONE WHO'S SEEN "THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE" KNOWS THAT TRACTORS
ARE READY TO PLOW.
SPECIFICALLY, THE M.P. SAYS HE ACCIDENTALLY LANDED ON PORN
AFTER HE SEARCHED FOR A TYPE OF TRACTOR CALLED A DOMINATOR
COMBINE HARVESTER.
THAT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, WHEN I TYPED IN
DOMINATOR COMBINE HARVESTER, ALL I GOT WAS NEWS ABOUT A BRITISH
M.P. LOOKING AT PORN.
OK, SO, JUST YOUR AVERAGE HORNY FARM EQUIPMENT WHOOPSIE.
EXCEPT THAT MR. PARISH APPARENTLY BOOKMARKED THE SITE
TO REVISIT.
HE BOOKMARKED IT?
IS THIS HIS FIRST PORN RODEO?
(AS PARISH) "BETTER MAKE A RECORD OF THIS
SITE.
NOT SURE IF THERE'S ANYWHERE ELSE TO SEE SEX ON THE
INTERNET."
ANYWAY, WE WISH HIM WELL.
IT'S A MISTAKE ANYONE COULD MAKE.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE SEARCHING FOR TRACTORS ON CORN HUB.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE JON
BERNTHAL AND ALTON BROWN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER YOUR KIDS' QUESTIONS.