- When you're dating a man
and things are progressing along,
what are the elements,
what are the things that really need to be in place
for him to wanna commit to that relationship?
For him to choose you as a partner in his life?
And what are the things that you wanna have in place
for you to choose him as a partner in life?
What I've found over the many, many years
of coaching women in relationships
is that when it comes to men,
there are five attributes, really five qualities
or experiences that they wanna be having.
That when these five are in place,
it's a real easy yes for them to say,
hey, I'm committed to this.
I want to dedicate my life to this particular relationship.
And so we're gonna unpack all five of these
and I've coined these with C words.
So these are the five Cs
of what helps a man commit in a relationship.
And the first one is Chemistry.
Common thinking would say,
well it's gotta be chemistry with you and him.
And of course it does,
that's just level one chemistry, though.
It's chemistry with you and him
that every man wants to feel that aliveness
with the woman that he's choosing.
Every man wants to feel like, wow,
that attraction and that spark and that desire
and that feeling like, oh my gosh,
I can't get enough of her.
I wanna drink her in, I wanna breathe her in.
This feeling of like, ooh, desire, and that chemistry.
But know this, that chemistry doesn't have staying power
'cause that's just the infatuation stage
of the relationship.
But there is a spiritual chemistry that happens
when you're with someone who can help you
experience more aliveness.
That can help you experience more
of what life has to offer
when you are with a life partner,
not just a sexual partner, right?
Anyone you can have that physical,
kind of animalistic chemistry for,
where you're just so turned on.
I've had lots of friends where they just,
they had to have sex three or four times a day
'cause they were so turned on by each other.
And then later, they didn't wanna touch each other.
'Cause they didn't have that deeper level of chemistry,
that spiritual chemistry.
And so the chemistry that I'm talking about
that you can actually help cultivate,
'cause that first level chemistry is very much biological.
It's gonna be there or it's not.
But the spiritual chemistry,
the aliveness chemistry that you can create
is how much are you in tune with your joy of life,
with the moments that are happening?
'Cause now more than ever, you and I are living
in such a fast paced world.
The hustle and bustle and the numbness of life
because you and I are tuned into
so much of life through our screens.
It's swiping and scrolling
and what's happening on that screen
and just getting disconnected to what's going on around us.
So that when you can actually help your man experience life,
not through the screen, but through his own eyes,
through his own experience
and help him feel more alive by engaging
in that present moment that unlocks
an experience of life unto himself
that feels richer, that feels deeper
that he wants more and more of.
So the first C is chemistry.
Do you have the standard biological chemistry together?
You want that.
The second is, are you creating that aliveness,
that chemistry with life, that spiritual chemistry
with each other on an ongoing basis?
Let me share with you a fun little game
that you can play with him or an activity
that you can do with him that that ignites
this level of really soaking in the aliveness
that's available.
And I call this, Memorize the Moment.
Memorize the Moment.
Not something you'd probably do on a first or second date
but as things progress and you're wanting to both
have that physical chemistry,
but also that more deeper spiritual chemistry,
is where you're walking and there's a sunset
and you guys are looking at the sunset together
or you're on a date together.
I actually love these moments
when there's a lot of hustle and bustle around.
And memorize the moment is where you come together
and you just hug and you hold that hug for 30 seconds.
And then you would be prompting him.
You say, "Hey, let's just memorize this moment.
Just hug me, hold me, hug me, hold me."
And he holds you.
And you say, "Let's just listen
for a moment together and just soak in the sounds."
And you listen and you say, with your eyes closed,
"Just notice the sounds, what do you hear?
Now, notice your skin, what do you feel?
You feel me in your arms, you feel the air on your skin.
Just notice what's going on around us.
Notice what you're feeling in your heart right now.
Our hearts connected to one another.
Notice the smell.
I'm smelling your cologne,
maybe you're smelling my perfume."
You're telling him and you're prompting him
and you're going through the five senses.
The sight, hearing, smelling, touch, give him a taste,
"Memorize this kiss, what does this taste like?"
And you memorize that moment and it literally
takes a minute, two minutes max.
And it is like this beautiful moment that you expand to,
that you soak in.
And that gets anchored between the two of you.
Well, number one is Chemistry.
Number two is Connection.
A man's gonna commit to a woman
when he feels deeply connected to her.
When he has shared values with her,
when he feels like his heart is open to her.
And one of the best ways to create that connection
with your man is to help him feel fully accepted.
Fully accepted for who he is.
Because every man, you know, we wanna be the hero.
We wanna be tough, we wanna be provider,
we wanna be seen as like James Bond or Jason Bourne
or we wanna be like the badass. (laughing)
You know, like your man wants to be that hero for you.
And at the same time there are things
that he feels guilty about or he feels regret for.
Or things that he feels shame around.
His perceived weaknesses or flaws.
And so what is it that's gonna create
that deep connection is when a man feels
like you know all of him, you accept all of him.
You love all of him, even the parts
that he's not a hundred percent proud of,
when he can actually feel free to talk about
these things with you, without being judged
or criticized or condemned.
And so the way to actually create that
is by starting with yourself.
Is by loving the parts of you
that you might feel shame around.
Or loving the parts of you
and accepting the parts of you that you're not proud of
or that you wanna change and you try to push down.
When you create this space of love and acceptance
in yourself, that naturally creates
an energy of openness in you.
And readiness, willingness to love and accept
those things in other people.
See, we often judge and criticize that in others
that we criticize and judge harshly in ourselves.
So when you can heal that in yourself,
it just makes you available to then offer
that same healing, that same acceptance,
that same love for somebody else.
So it's very, very powerful to begin with ourselves.
And so I wanna offer you a tool, it's a free tool.
I call this the self-love activation toolkit.
And you can, I'll put a link in the description for you,
you can click it, download that toolkit.
It is both a journal and a meditation
that you can listen to that helps you
heal and love and accept all the parts of ourselves
that we tend to judge or criticize.
It is beautiful.
So I hope you grab that tool, I hope you listen to it
and use it 'cause it's really gonna make a difference.
And when you do, you're gonna then open up your heart
in a whole new way that allows him
to feel loved and accepted.
And his feeling of connection with you
will go to a whole new level.
The third C is that he feels Capable.
And this is essential,
this is bedrock for any masculine man.
He wants to feel like he can be the man
you want in the relationship.
That whatever's most important to you,
as far as who a man needs to be for you,
your partner in life,
what does that person need to be, do, experience,
give, contribute, that he can measure up to that.
And so if you've heard me say this before,
one of a man's greatest fears is inadequacy.
Where he feels like he can't be the man that you want.
Whether it's providing not just financially
but providing for you emotionally,
being the man that you want around the house.
Being able to contribute the amount of time that you want.
I went through this phase with my wife
that was really funny because growing up,
my dad would fix a lot of things around the house.
My dad would work on the cars,
my dad would fix the fix the house if it broke down.
But I never really learned any of those skills.
And so my approach generally,
when things are broken is, let's pay someone to fix it.
Where my wife grew up in a home where they fixed everything.
And so that was something that we had to reconcile,
not just so much on the strategy level,
but on my own ego level.
Like my, you know, feeling like
maybe I'm not measuring up as a man
because she wants me to fix it or she's gonna fix it.
And here's the funny part,
my own story was that I thought
she wanted me to fix it, where she really didn't care,
she just wanted it fixed.
And she was willing to fix it.
I'll never forget, our washer broke down
and I'm like, well let's pay someone.
Let's either buy a new washer, let's pay someone to fix it.
And she's like, no, no, no, I got this.
She's eight and a half months pregnant
and she's sitting on the floor by the washer
with a big old pregnant belly.
With YouTube open saying, "How do you fix a washer?"
And she's looking at YouTube
and she's got the screwdriver and the drill out,
and the towels out and she's doing this.
She's pulling out nasty water and gunk and whatnot.
And I'm working and coming out to like, grab food
and I'm watching her doing this.
And there's a part of me thinking like,
should I be the one doing, like I'm the guy,
I should be fixing this.
And the old paradigm roles, stereotypical roles.
And what I loved is never once did my wife
make me feel guilty, rub it in my face,
say, "Oh you didn't fix this and I did,"
and blah, blah blah blah blah.
'Cause that would've totally created tension
and torn us apart.
But instead she was like, "Babe, I love..."
Here's what she did.
She said, "I love that you're man enough
to support me in fixing this."
Whoo, now that is a paradigm shift,
that is completely different.
She actually helped me feel enough in that moment
because the role that I was playing
wasn't trying to not let her fix it by hiring someone,
but supporting her desire to fix it.
That is amazing.
So how is your man feeling?
Your man needs to feel capable.
That he's measuring up, living up to
whatever your expectation is in this relationship.
If he doesn't meet that, more often than not
he's not gonna wanna be in that relationship.
The men who commit, the men who wanna stay
in relationships are meeting that mark
the majority of the time.
And who's setting that mark?
You are, you are the one who's deciding
whether or not he's measuring up or not.
So the man who's committing is the man who feels capable.
The fourth attribute is Celebration.
Celebration, you see, we all are different versions
of ourselves around different people.
Like, there's probably a friend that you have
that when you are with that friend,
like, you are so funny, you are just hilarious.
Or you're so cool because they just see you as cool
or they see you as funny.
So when you are talking and you make a joke,
like you're way more willing to banter
or you're way more willing to say a joke
or be funny because you know they're gonna laugh.
And they just think you are awesome.
And your favorite, it's like you love this friend.
And more than that,
you love how you feel about yourself
when you're around this particular friend.
That's celebration, right?
Does your man feel like the best version of himself
in the relationship with you?
You can absolutely support that experience.
Do you feel like the best version of yourself
when you're around him?
The people who wanna be together long term
are the people who are propping each other up.
So is there a habit of celebrating each other,
of acknowledging each other, of propping each other up,
of praising one another
of the great things that you're doing?
Or is the general tone just to kind of be neutral
unless someone really screws it up, Fs it up,
and they're like, hey, and then you point that out
and you drag them down.
One of the things I love, and you can adopt this.
We actually have this as a culture in our company,
in our institute.
My wife's mom does this better than anyone that I know,
where she props people up.
I remember on one of the first dates
where I actually got to go over to my wife's house.
My wife is traditional.
Her parents are Mexican, from Mexico,
she's first generation.
So they're having this kind of get together.
I come over to the house, her dad didn't really like me,
he didn't know me very much back then.
He comes into the house from work
and he's all grimy and dirty.
And he looks at me and kind of scowls at me.
And then he walks past me, goes into the bathroom.
Takes a shower, gets all dressed, puts his cologne on.
Walks out and he's looking good,
he's put on some nice clothes.
And he walks into the living room
and his wife, they'd been married, you know, 40 years.
His wife goes, (speaking in Spanish).
And what she was saying is, "For Miguel,
give him an A, give him an A."
And the whole room goes, "Hey."
And he's a very kind of tough dude
and he kind of cracks this little smile
and goes over and gives her a kiss and sits next to her.
And what she was saying is, look how handsome he is.
Look how clean he is.
And he came home from a hard day work, hey,
and he got a cheering celebration in that house.
So we've adopted that like, we're having breakfast
and Mommy will make a good breakfast.
And I'll say, for the kids, I'll say,
"Hey kids for Mommy, una a, una a."
And the kids go, "Hey."
Or like, you know, she'll do the girls' hair,
or even I will do the girls' hair,
like braid it, and she'll say,
"For Daddy doing the braids, una a, una a."
And the kids go, "Hey."
So we find ways to celebrate one another,
and I encourage you to build something
like this in either take una a, and adopt it and use it.
It's a gift from us to you.
Or find your own way to celebrate
and acknowledge each other.
Because when your man feels like a rockstar
in that relationship,
that's the relationship he wants to commit to.
And the last C is Clarity.
Now it's his clarity to his readiness to commit.
Now you don't have control over
whether or not he is ready to commit.
He's gonna be at a particular phase in his life.
He's either gonna be ready
or he's not gonna be ready, or he's figuring it out.
But that clarity you can help him with
because what is it that creates clarity?
See a lot of guys will say,
I just need more time to figure it out.
Those guys are confused, they don't need more time.
What they need is more depth.
They don't need more duration, they need more depth.
How many people do you know who've stuck with a guy
who's like, I just need more time,
I just need to figure this out.
And years went by and then eventually,
at the end he said, no, I don't really want this.
I don't wanna be committed or I don't wanna be married
or I don't want kids, whatever it is.
But ultimately what happened, it wasn't about time.
There was something that happened.
There was like the pressure of the relationship
caused him to go deep enough
that he found his truth.
He found what was true for him.
Now, I'm saying this with a caveat, right?
He's not gonna know on date one,
there's a certain amount of time required
to really get to know one another.
But if it's been past a year,
if it's been two years, for certain
you don't need more time, you just need more depth.
So one of the things that you can do
is let him know that, look, your train is moving.
A lot of guys, if your train, imagine the relationship
is at a train station and the door is open
and it's just parked.
And you're like, "Hey, do you wanna get on?"
This is commitmentville.
We're actually gonna go create
a beautiful relationship together.
The door's open, I'm waiting for you, I'm waiting for you.
And he knows that that train isn't gonna leave
anytime soon and he's got options.
He's gonna say, yeah, I really do wanna get on that train
but first let me go check out this shop real quick.
I just wanna go shopping real quick.
First let me, you know, I need, I'm hungry.
Let me go get some food, I'll get a sandwich here.
There's great sandwich shop.
Don't leave yet, I'm gonna just get some food
and then we will go.
It's just delay, there's no urgency.
But when you can say, "Hey look,
these doors are closing," right?
And this is all aboard 'cause this thing's out of here.
When you can actually give him the urgency
it will 'cause him to say, okay,
let me do some real reflection.
Let me go deep on this and decide what I want.
Because guess what?
The man who wants to be with you
is gonna be clear about that.
It might take him going deep to get clear,
but he will get clear, and he can get clear.
So step five is clarity.
And the way that you help him with clarity
is by creating urgency.
So when you help those five elements,
where you have the chemistry
and you have the connection
and the capability and the celebration and the clarity,
when those things are in place,
that's the man who's gonna wanna commit.
That's the man who is your partner.
He wants to be with you
and create something beautiful with you.
So my question for you is, what is it that helps you
commit to a relationship and go from,
I'm not sure I'm in, to I'm fully in.
What needs to be in place?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(gentle upbeat music)