hello brave soldier if you're seeing
this that means you've chosen to take up
arms in defense of God and anime and
most importantly in defense of this
precious cinnamon roll you're about to
ship out into the most dangerous place
known to man the frontline of the white
food Wars you will be facing enemies on
all sides as well as threats from within
your morale will be shaken your faith
thrown into question but hold strong for
you are not alone the anime Pope has
sent me to guide you and you have your
precious waifu's as well no one
remembers quite how or when the waifu
wars began some say they were kicked off
by the assassination of the Archduke
saber
others point to that time tod from anime
club said that shampoo is better than
Akio and was subsequently smothered to
death with a Ronco body pillow
regardless of the cause this
interminable conflict has claimed the
lives of many good men and also Todd
[ __ ] you Todd but they did not die in
vain for even if we can't pinpoint the
exact moment these holy wars started we
know why they started because these
degenerate heathens we're fighting hate
all that is good and pure in the world
they wish to destroy us in our way of
life all because they can't wrap their
heads around the simple inescapable
truth that Rey is a barely sentient
mound of trash in a light blue wig or
because they think that holo is anything
less than a goddess or because they
can't see how Maha manami's flawless
voice and body can soothe the soul or
because they can't see Toru at home and
they think that somehow invalidates how
perfect and good she is or okay look
we're fighting a lot of people here but
the important thing to remember is that
they're all every last one of them
irredeemable scum who must be purged
from the earth but how do we go about
this sacred work where will we be
fighting what are our weapons what
threats do we face and how can we keep
ourselves from losing hope I'm here to
answer those questions and prepare you
for the fight ahead
your first question is probably where
you'll be shipping out to and the answer
is tragically rather complicated the
enemy has infiltrated our homes our
anime churches our conventions and even
are on the line bulletin board systems
they lurk in every corner of the anime
Pope's Dominion and thus our front lines
are everywhere as well depending on your
assignment your regiment may be left to
guard the homefront shipped out to any
number of convention centers usually for
a weekend long engagement or situated at
home engaging in cyber warfare against
are insidious foes this is a guerrilla
war but fortunately the infidels where
fighting are quite easy to root out
simply declare at the top of your lungs
that one of these Pope approved
contentious waifu's is best girl and our
enemies will literally come crawling out
of the woodwork to fight you but some
will be more crafty attacking in more
subtle ways so no matter what
battlefield you end up on you will need
to remain vigilant our enemy is always
trying to undermine us assaulting our
faith with ridiculous accusations that
our best girls are the ones that are
actually trash and trying to seduce us
with sweet lies about their terrible
awful harlot wife who's being better
when they're clearly not I mean come on
clearly however in the heat of battle
that truth can be hard to see an unwary
waifu warrior can easily lose
perspective on what's important and
who's important who's the most important
Fight Club Mako's such a good girl isn't
she
sorry where was I right you have more
enemies to worry about than just the
ones you can see propaganda can harm
your morale but its effects are made far
worse by an invisible enemy that stalks
the battlefield disease of course you
need to always watch out for common
ailments such as aiesec itis that can
strike at every moment but the fields of
the waifu wars are rampant with a
particularly dangerous viral agent one
that has infected every member of the
enemy forces and one
which can easily infect you if you're
not careful [ __ ] taste symptoms of [ __ ]
tastes include an ironically enjoying
things that I don't like disliking
things that I think are great and loving
Amelia
if you're concerned that any of these
may be affecting you you should
immediately seal yourself in a
designated quarantine chamber to prevent
the disease from threatening your fellow
soldiers but what if you want to return
to the front
once [ __ ] taste has fully set in it
seems to be by all accounts incurable
but if you catch it in early stages you
may be able to send it into remission
through extended Premo therapy this
medical procedure involves marathoning
primo classic titles from the anime
Pope's definitive list of approved
historical documentaries exposure to
these concentrated doses of quality has
been known to purge [ __ ] taste from the
body's systems although in rare cases it
can worsen the effects if after a few
rounds of primo you find yourself
thinking that for example Zuko and
Katara would make a really cute couple
I'm sorry but your fighting days are
done you should locate the nearest [ __ ]
taste care center and wait out the end
of the war with your fellow disease
degenerates away from bulletin board
systems and anywhere else that you might
be able to spread the disease
fortunately you need not suffer from
this disease at all for our Army's
brilliant commanders have developed an
incredible defensive tactic that has
proven very effective in preventing [ __ ]
taste infections altogether and will
assist you in fending off the enemy's
assault and in protecting and
strengthening your faith in the one of
many true gods that you're currently
fighting for and best of all to make use
of it all you need is pluck quick wits
and lots and lots of money the key to
defending against our heathen foes is
advanced military technology known as
waifu merchandise t-shirts and other
clothes emblazoned with the faces of our
goddesses amid a holy aura that will
defend our bodies from harm while holy
wall Scrolls can be used to consecrate
buildings as sacred ground
protecting
by these good good girls they're
purifying light will repel all enemies
before them and can even destroy the
[ __ ] taste virus and when we sleep we
have our body pillows to protect us but
we can't forget our mightiest defensive
weapons of all figurines which transmute
the heavenly 2d properties of our
blessed waifu's into inferior 3d space
these sacred objects demonstrate from
all possible angles exactly how good our
girls are every aspect of their divine
forms their precious smiles their
glorious oppai their succulent set
ireohke can be seen and appreciated from
every angle not only do these perfect
idols of our perfect idols have the
power to blind our foes and instantly
shatter their arguments against them
because just look how good mega mean is
they also serve to ward off the wayward
doubts that can be sown by traitors
dissenters and enemy propagandists as
long as you have your wife who's
watching over you your faith will stay
resolute but not all figures are created
equal their power is directly
proportional to their scale and most
importantly their cost a simple cheap
prize figure will never offer as much
protection as a hundred dollar premium
item and that too will pale in
comparison next to a quarter scale bunny
girl figure with real fishnet stockings
the sole exception to this rule of thumb
is a new advanced piece of military
hardware perhaps the most potent form of
figurine known to man yes I'm talking
about Nendoroids miraculous devices
created by compressing pure waifu
goodness into the most compact portable
and mass-producible form imaginable
individually Nendoroids are already just
the best but they have been cleverly
designed so that your waifu's can also
be posed together combining their
goodness for even greater potency a few
good men doze can be all you need to win
a battle in the waifu wars or turn your
home into an impenetrable no a fortress
but be careful not to mistake Nendoroids
for their wildly inferior cousins Funko
pops bringing just one Funko pop
figurine into
home or frontline base can turn the
whole place into a hotbed of [ __ ] taste
and the only way to save yourself is to
purge the infected area with fire
someone you know may try to convince you
that Funko's are just as good as Nando's
if you have the misfortune to run into
such a deranged individual wait until
they dig into their bag to produce one
of the little vinyl abominations then
shoot them in the head it's kinda that
way and that's true of everything we're
doing here this entire crusade is a
kindness and though the enemy may not
know it our ultimate goal is to rid them
of the pain of having [ __ ] taste and
inferior waifu's but guns and other
conventional weapons will not be our
most effective tool know now that you
know who you're fighting and what you're
fighting for the last step is to learn
what you'll be fighting with your
primary weapon in the war against worst
girls will be salt lots and lots of salt
used since ancient times and rituals of
purification the holy properties of salt
make it toxic to our unclean foes it
will burn their sinful flesh bring them
to their knees and really really sting
if it gets in their eyes our army has an
almost limitless surplus of salt so
don't be shy just keep hurling salt out
there I mean really Pelt them with it
douse literally everything and everyone
around you insult this is how the waifu
wars have been fought since the very
beginning and it must work because if it
didn't why would we keep doing it
the enemy has attempted to copy our
tactics but as our cause is just and our
souls are pure their salt cannot hurt us
but ours definitely can hurt them
definitely so just keep on throwing it
don't stop keep up the salt assault good
man the enemy is crafty they fight with
disease dangerous heathen ideas and
mountains upon mountains of salt but if
you remain resolute and remember that
both these good girls and his holiness
are watching over you you'll be okay so
what are you waiting for
soldier go out there and protect that
smile this message was paid for and
approved by the international consortium
of anime merchandisers in association
with his divine grace the anime Pope
[Music]
you