P: Hello, why is Dan in a chair and why is Phil looming ominously over him?
D: Jesus Christ P: and why do I have a pair of very sharp scissors? (D laughs)
D: Get them- Do not snip them next to my head
P: Today I'm going to attempt to give Dan a haircut
D: This is literally the worst f*cking idea in the entire world. P: No
D: YOU ARE AN INFAMOUSLY CLUMSY PERSON I WOULDNT TRUST YOU TO TRIM A FREAKIN
NEVERMIND A HUMAN WITH SKIN P: Steady hand
P: it is shaking a bit (laughs)
P: Firstly it's gonna make good content- D: Have I not suffered enough for P: No!
D: For enter- okay fine. P: Secondly I did a great job of my own hair in my own video
and you should be inspired by my skills D: You accidentally did an okay job
at cutting your own hair if we're gonna do this, you have to promise to actually
not cut my ears off okay? P: I'm gonna try I can't promise but I'm gonna try
you're starting to look like one of those sheep that's been found by a farmer after
3 years D: How dare you P: You know what I'm talking about (laughs)
P: Dan I've got the scissors stuck in my hand actually, actually - (D laughs)
P: Oh god, We need some lubricant D: No no no no no-
D: I'm being serious Phil, this is a- P: I know! D: Close- NOOOOOOO
COME HERE, YOU IDIOT! CLOSE THE F*CKING SCISSORS!
before you try to get them off P: Ow don't pull it don't-
D: Bro P: Ooh ah ow! (pop)
D: Great f*cking start hey, what's gonna go wrong?
P: At least we got it off, we would have had to call the fire engine
D: Call the fire engine, hello mr personified fire engine,
can you please lube up my friend's ring finger? NO
P: it's not the first time someone's said that (ba dum ch) what, anyway
(they both laugh)
P: I'm gonna start gesticulating with the scissors, that would be maybe dangerous
D: Dan decapitated and live P: This might be a Sweeney Todd situation maybe
all of this over the last 10 years has been leading up to this moment (axe)
D: YOURE NOT HELPING F*CKING HELL P: Wait okay get comfortable in the seat
P: i don't have a fancy blanket to put around you because I threw that out but I
do have a little bevvy D: What is this?
P: and some crispies D: You got me vegetable crisps wow
P: I need you to be relaxed D: Why am I actually impressed right now?
D: Okay, I'm in the salon mindset. Yes, this is a relaxing afternoon
P: It's Ribena on ice (honk) D: You put Ribena in a wine glass?
D: Somehow that's quite relatable ok sure. P: If you close your eyes you can pretend
its rose D: I'm gonna need a whole bottle of rose to get through this
P: What stays in the salon- D: Phil.. P: What stays in the- what stays-
what? What am I saying? (laughs) What is in the salon, is not in the salon
(crickets)
The salon isn't in Vegas, but you are in my chair (D laughs)
Have more of your drink Dan, talk to me about your feelings, where are you in life
D: Um you accidentally just punched me in head.
Now you're tryna style it out like you're fluffing my hair P: there was some flufage
D: Well you know we're about to move house it's a big exciting moment, um I feel like
we're in a transitional period of our lives Phil we've been a bit like in limbo
recently we're about to finally move house I'm about to do some cool new things
this book I'm about to release, it's happening P: wait, it's in the room
D: and ironically for a book about mental health, I've been quite stressed recently
beause of it. I am feeling quite anxious about it being out in the world
its a big deal to me but its also very very intimate and personal
and when I was sat writing it, I wasn't really thinking about it and now its just
gonna be in bookstores and I'm gonna be like that's out there now.
P: Thousands of these jetting around the world ready to be picked up by people
well let this haircut be a vehicle to get you away from all those feelings
D: Okay P: COVID snip it away, being trapped in this box world, snip it away
D: Tbh as long as i finish this video with 2 ears and don't have blood shooting out
of some orifice, then I'll consider myself lucky P: I'll do my best
P: Talk to me about this style Dan D: Well this is my lockdown hair,
it's gotten slightly longer I've just been brushing it behind the ears,
it's a big curly fringe, I don't hate the length. P: This is good I like this bit
This bit is trash (gasp) I've gotta be honest with ya!
P: Otherwise we're not gonna get anywhere D; No- P: Mohawk? Brohawk?
No hawk? (hawk) D: Absolutely no avians are allowed, lets go for a light trim
no style- P: What is a light trim? It's something you always say to a hairdresser
but they never know- they just do what they want D: So the sides of my hair is
very very long. I've got kinda 2010 Dan emo energy goin on there,
So you need to go reeee P: We need to free this ear D: I look like toad from Mario
lets be honest. The back has kinda turned into a mullet, and I'm really not tryna go
P: Its almost back in, I don't know Dan. It's curling in about 17 directions,
it's gone so long. D: One Direction, more like 17 directions P: yeah
D: Harry I have no Styles P: The top is kind of a bush, needs to be tamed
D: I have one request Phil, please do not accidentally trim my entire fringe off
because I'm not gonna be able to come back from that. P: That would be like category
10 disaster D: That would be category 10 disaster P: But I'd make it work
I promise D: Lets do this last okay? Lets do it
P: What would happen if I put a giant wax strip on your head and went pftt
D: You'd probably decapitate me P: Okay maybe D: Have a giant wax strip lying
around P: No D: Okay good P: But I feel like it would make a good TikTok
cuz its short I'd go pfft D; TikTok watch me murder my friend. OK
P: So this is the naked, raw razor. D: Put a rubber on it. A protective guard
P: Be safe I've got a 13 inches- D: THATS NOT 13 INCHES
DO YOU EVEN KNOW- oh my god IM DOOMED
P: I don't know how big a 13 incher is, its 13 millimetres. D: I'm gonna f*cking
die today arent I? P: Clippin' it on D: Where is the neck thing P: I'm just gonna
destroy this room D: Okay so my favourite t-shirt, trousers and everything in a 6m
radius is going to be completely annihilated. P: it's be worth it
We'll get the back out of the way and the camera can see the rest of the action
D: Noone wants to see Dans backdoor action P: I'm gonna film it anyway
D: If you wanna see the back cam you need to pay for my OnlyDans
P: I will not be doing that, lets do this (buzzing) D: Pray for me
P: This is weird it's actually happening (ear bleeding laughing)
I had the idea for this video in my head but now I'm actually doing it Its scary
D: Oh god so its premeditated murder. P: oh god, oh my god
D: I can see the Daily Mail headline now P: Holy crapoli there's a white thing
flashing but its fine. Right here we go. Which way do you do it is it like that?
No its like this. AH! D: Don't scream oh my god okay, its happening
its happening. We have broken ground P: Broken ground I was gonna say that
P: Just doing a net because you don't want this D: Dan of cleves, 6ft tall idiot
P: so tell me about your day, whats going on why haven't we moved?
D: Hows your life? Whats the gossip? So, I'm living with a person- whats happening?
I can hear noises P: It's looking very neat
D: Literal pounds dropping off the back of my head P: They're coming off! oh my god-
that was a lot- oh my god look at that! D: This is making me really uncomfortable ok
P: Yes, Yes! D: Okay you're not narrating a porn can you concentrate slightly on the
job at hand? We are about to move house and that is so exciting (ding)
P: Finally! We said that like for 4 months D: No but like its actually happening now
P: Talking about moving Dan tried to bin my golden pig, the only possession I
like D: Its just a bit trumpy P: Put it in the- (buzzing) D: woah woah woah are
you shaving the chair? Did you just SHAVE THE CHAIR? P: I'm sorry
D: Phil if you're gonna stop to talk turn the razor off!
P: wait I've got a solution for the hair on the back of your neck
(both laughing) Its actually good!
Why dont they do this in the hairdressers? D: Because they do it when it's on the
floor Phil not while its on the persons neck still err
P: I think I just gave you a hoover hickey
D: Without the Ribena, everything will be ok P: I'm gonna hide the pig somewhere
D: I can hear you, which vegetable chip is the best? Beetroot
Parsnip? Get f*cked P: How is it a crisp?
P: I don't mean to laugh, it's just lookin a bit mushroom-y again
D: Is this just gonna be a toad cosplay? P: Yes
P: but its fine D: uh oh P: Dont be mad..
D: WHAT IS IT YOUVE NEVER SAID DONT BE MAD BEFORE SOMETHING GOOD-
(bad noise) I can fix this, this is just Stage , and it always looks bad in stage 1
D: What the f*ck have you done to my- you know when there's a cat or a dog
and they trim it and youre like oh my dog- oh my dog? its like half the size
My head has gone from a beach ball to a golf ball P: Yeah D: I don't know AHHH
P: Its okay D: Jesus the ears P: The ears are fine D: Are they fine? P: They're fine
D: Can I sue you? P: I'm protecting them like a mother duckling
P: You do not get my AdSense D: You're not very good at sweeping this off me,
I'm gonna give you a bad yelp review. 1 star, guy trapped me in his house and-
You're slapping me, you're slapping me. Look what?
P: from two minutes ago D: THATS THE SAME WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?
Don't cut the ears off, don't cut the ears off. don't cut my ears off
P: That was surprisingly beautiful. Do you know you can distract someone when they're
scared? Like you give a dog a ball when it is getting a shot? Maybe you could
describe your book in 60 seconds while I just go round your ears. D: Ok
P: So you don't need to think about it, I'm not doing it D: Okay,
A lot of people think that oh jesus- P: Dan! D: mental health doesnt apply to them
because its just for people with crippling anxiety or people who are super depressed
the reality is every single human with a brain gets stressed and they worry about
things, and none of us know, we don't get taught how to make ourselves feel happier
if you read this book you'll know how to look after yourself so you won't get super
depressed. Know what I mean? P: There wasn't much fear in your voice then, I was
impressed. D: Well I did just poo on the chair, if that helps, I did that
P: For someone whos really anxious all the time and also quite stressed D: Which you
are in denial about sometimes P: I am, I am in denial about it
reading the book made me realise thats not how people should be all the time
and there are ways to deal with it. D: like your default state about being a very
deer in the headlights, shaky guinea pig kinda person P: Yes D: Is not just your
that's not just your natural state, that's not how you have to be all of the time
you can actualy be happier P: And now I can actually answer the door to the pizza
man without crying. It's very personal, the book D: Yes
P: how do you feel about everyone seeing you completely naked?
D: I mean what Ive done on YouTube is just making myself look like an idiot for
everyone to laugh at me, and this book, Im talking like everything to do with mental
health and its just 300 pages of me roasting myself. It's like watching 50
reasons why Dan's a fail videos in a row. P: I felt bad for laughing at some of your
misery while i was reading it- D: But that is the point right cause like here's the
thing, do homework or think about, is everything okay? P: Yeah
D: If i can make this book funny, by using myself as an, I don't know, mental health
martyr, that at the end of laughing at me for several hours, you have had a profound
realization that changes your entire life. P: I felt like I was inside your head D:
an intimate conversation with Dan P: A life hack, here's something you can do now
Here's something that you can do later. D: It's like 300 pages of back-to-back pro
tips that you're like thank you god that's just the thing that I can do, the glass of
Ribena is helping me get through this's a coping mechanism quite a lot
you could've spiked this. P: You will get through this haircut, that's what I
could call the video (laughs) D: Get the f*ck out
P: Can I spoil a bit? Choose a random page D: Errrr stop
P: Let's talk about the D-word. D: NO P: That's the first- he's talking about d*ck
D: attitude- no P: Stop, Pull more problems D: There's me roasting about the
people that you live with, yeah do you still live with your family and you hate
them? The people that you're trapped with influence the state of our environments
and our mental health in general. There needs to be a mutual understanding
and boundaries, how long people can use communal areas #bath
I still have ears I still have a neck P: I think it's time to move onto scissors
no wait- comb (dan cackles)
D: Woah theres like a whole square of hair there, remember when I had square hair?
We've had some style choices over the years, why was Phil not more popular
when he went to long-boi university WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT STOP
P: WHat? D: Do nothing willy-nilly silly Philly
Me ear is not in the scissors, okay. GO. Do you need to like brush or something ok
P: OOh thats not good ooooh thats not good
D: What the f*ck are you doing to my head?
P: Okay i've taken the safety guard off I'm gonna tie up the back now
What you want straight line? Jaggies? D: WHAT THE F*CK IS A JAGGIE
STRAIGHT LINE PLEASE Now I don't do anything straight, but I want this to.
P: Ooh oh no, thats not straight, Ive done a jaggie
Maybe leave it, its a statement D: It's almost an Avent Garde asymmetrical cut
EXCEPT ITS NOT PHIL. Am i- Am I straight now?
P: It's much straighter than you D: I just wanted to say, I'm straight P: How are you
really Dan? How is everything? D: Well, I mean- I don't know- I'm a bit emo
these days. Making this book is making me think about our life, and everything thats
happened in 10 years. We've both come a long way with our audience, I've really
grown up a lot, learnt a lot, putting everything into a book that could help
other people be happy, because I feel like I have spent a lot of the last 10 years
not being particularly happy for no good reason P: So it's a good emo then
because you are getting over- D: It's a good happy sad emo, mixed with the threat
of imminent murder P: Well you're vulnerably putting something out into the
universe and you're vulnerably sitting in this chair and letting me touch your head.
So you don't like giving other people control D: Thank you therapist slash
Sweeney Todd. P: Right I've got a 4.5er on this whoosh (D laughs)
D: Phil I'm not a baby being spoonfed you don't need to say woosh as you go around
my ear. P: Maybe I do.. not bad not bad. Ears intact! See Dan, shut up this is ok
I've left a bit more of a gap than a hairdresser would but its fine!
Like a perimeter, strap yourself in. Oh my god. D: PHIL!!!! P: I'm sorry I'm sorry-
D: WHAT IS THAT! P: It's a good perimeter D: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! P: It's in fashion
I don't know why it did that the other side didn't do that D: THAT'S IN FASHION
NOT THAT! MAKE THAT LOOK LIKE THAT! PHIL! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!
P: There. Yes.
Do you love it? D: I wouldn't say I love it you've given me a very very severe line
at least the line is straighter, what are you gonna do with this now?
to blend it in Phil P: I'm gonna do some scissoring thats what I'll do I'll do some
D: Dan and Phil are gonna scissoring P: Ok don't get mad, I feel like theres a lot
of fringe here, 6 inches of side fringe.
D: I mean I don't really need that chunk- (gasp)
P: It's an improvement I promise sometimes you just have to rip the plaster off
D: Phil did you just cut this triangle out of my head?
(Dan cackling) P: It's okay it's okay!
D: Phil- ooh wait wait stop stop (romantic music) P: That's a look
D: Do I look like a hot American TikTok zoomer, it either needs to be up and super
curlier or I go like that and I'm like hey guys (mumbling) P: Yeah
(drumroll) No (both laugh) That's it Dan, voila, it's the new you!
D: My head just looks like a farmer's hat social life, there you go Phil
go read it P: It's just an empty page D: You need it
D: BA DA BA BA DA BA DA BA Calm the f*ck down buddy! P: Ok
D: Ok I will be honest for someone who is hacking and slashing, it's kinda coming
together P: I mean it's a lot better than it was, and you doubted me
right we're gonna get the thinning shears on the go, wooo
I think they're upside down wait- D: Don't salt bae my own hair onto my frickin sweet
potato whatever this is P: It was funny when Dan was writing the book because
sometimes I'd get up in the middle of the night to get a glass of milk, which is
something I do at 5am I don't know why and Dan was just sat in the lounge in the dark
and he scared me like some demon was in the corner of the room I was like ahh!!
I was like what are you doing it's 5 in the morning and he was writing a section
about sleep, Danny, maybe you should take your own advice if you're up at 5am
writing a section about sleep, that does not sound healthy D:This whole book
is like I need to reread it constantly because I'm like I'm so stressed!
I'm having a breakdown! oh right yes thats what I said to myself 3 weeks ago
stop dropping it down my neck UGH P: sorry sorry D: should you be really holding 3
instruments at the same time P: This is how the pros do it D: You can use one of
yes that is how the pros do it Phil, youre not a professional
P: who needs 10 toes? D: Who needs feet?
P: I don't wanna be weird but I think I'm accidentally done and it looks good!
D: I don't wanna be an idiot hypocrite hater, but Phil I feel like you've kinda
given me a cool haircut now I'm sure if anyone who knew what a real haircut is
got in there would be like what am I looking at here would be like this is a
disaster but from 3 feet away, heavily compressed by YouTube,
P: It looks good. Don't get me wrong, there's some interesting parts
D: Everything is wron. There's a triangle there that we're hiding like a bald spot
we've got the slight Spock ear P: Right are you ready to see your haircut in its
full glory D: Is this the- oh god. Phil tidy me up! P: You have a bit of a bald
patch and I don't know how I made it D: Oh my god it's so patchy!
You haven't blended the back at all it's like a huge weird (crosstalk)
P: I can't do anymore, this is what you're getting man. D: The top's okay
P: Yeah the top is alright. D: Its a good top just the bottom, people might want it
but it's not there P: What would you give me? D: A solid 2 1/2 stars
P: You're not bleeding Dan give me at least 3. Did you just eat some hair?
D: I think the vegetable crisps are (gaggs)
P: So you should get Dan's book it comes out this week! D: By the time this video's
up, it will probably be out P: So click the link below and it'l be flying through
your letterbox like a treat for your brain and your soul.
D: A little bit of Dan in your mind, like Phil slipping with a pair of scissors
and Phil, something I talk about is the importance of havin someone to support you
and that's been you throughout my life all the little existential crises
you've been there feeding me snacks and as annoying as you have been, at least you've
been there. P: Thanks Dan, that was too positive we can't end the video like that
If you enjoyed give us a big thumbing, you can subscribe to me, ding my bell,
D: Subscribe to me, I'm gonna upload something in June.
And then who knows what the hell's coming after that, let's see.
P: Have a good day, we're gonna clean up hair for the rest of time..
D: Let's just move out of this apartment and leave it like this, be like bye!
Molotov Cocktail, Yeet bye! Thank you for having me, its been genuinely traumatising
P: Hello from the editing zone,
I just wanted to let you know this video is a mistake. There is hair everywhere.
It's never gonna go away. Secondly, I just wanted to say how proud I am of Dan,
how he's grown into such an inspiring person,
he's so modest about this book, and he's not talking about it as much as he should
so here I am to talk about it, it's great.
I laughed, I might've even cried. Shut up.
But I agree there's so many things we need to know to keep ourselves happy.
So you shouldn't just get this to support him, you should get it to make yourself
that little bit happier. I've just been how happy he's been since he found all
this out, and I want that for you as well
I've put the link below, he's probably gonna hate me for this but too late now
Bye!