-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here, you made it, you're watching.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, I appreciate it.
Well, guys, this weekend was President Biden's birthday,
and he's the first president to turn 79 while in office.
Biden spent his birthday in Wilmington, Delaware,
and went to a 5:00 mass.
Man, does this guy know how to party or what?
[ Laughter ] I mean...
Even Mike Pence was like, "Ever heard of Chuck E. Cheese?"
[ Laughter ]
But you can tell Biden's 79
'cause when he blew out his candles,
everyone started clapping, and the lights went on and off.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clapping ]
Yeah, it was Biden's 79th birthday.
And he heard from a lot of different people.
Here, check out some of the texts he got.
First, from Vladimir Putin.
He texted, "I sent you edible arrangement.
No need to send thank-you note.
Just speak clearly into pineapple."
[ Laughter ]
Then, Barack Obama texted, "Happy birthday, Joe!
Ever wonder how the hell I'm retired and you're not?"
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Kim Jong-un texted, "Happy birthday, stop.
I am sending this via telegram, stop.
Hope you good, stop."
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Telegram.
Even Donald Trump texted.
He texted, "Joe Biden is a total and utter failure.
Wanted to tweet this but can't."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Can't do it.
Next up, Pope Francis texted --
"Hope you had a blessed birthday,
but if I'm being honest, this weekend belongs to Adele."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Respect.
Respect Adele.
And finally, Queen Elizabeth texted,
"Yo, not sure if you know how to text,
but just wanted to holla at my boy
to say H-B-D. Stay gucci, fam."
[ Cheers and applause ]
There you go, that's nice. Well...
And get this, guys.
Tiffany's just revealed its most expensive diamond.
It's called the Empire diamond, and it costs about $30 million.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
So, this holiday season, give your loved one
the ultimate Christmas experience -- getting robbed.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, a $30 million diamond.
Meanwhile, all the $20 million diamonds
are now part of Tiffany's Cheap Bastard Collection.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-But if you're budget's a little smaller than that,
I have good news. Hungry Man and Coors Light
have teamed up this holiday season
to offer a special Hungry-Beer Man meal.
Look at this. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
It's the meal that says, "Tell me you're recently single
without telling me you're recently single."
[ Laughter ]
Imagine driving four hours on Thursday,
and when you get there, your grandma starts
passing these out. [ Laughter ]
Well, according to a new survey, most parents said
that they would happily pay less for knockoff toys
this holiday season than pay for the originals.
And luckily, if you're looking for some knockoff toys,
there are plenty to choose from.
For example, instead of My Little Pony,
you can get Horses on Acid.
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
-Next up, instead of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots,
they have Frontier Flight Attendants.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, instead of Lego, you can get Foot Impalers.
[ Laughter and applause ] Oh, that's just as good.
They're knockoff toys. They're cheaper. They work.
Hey, I heard about a guy in Florida who's facing
up to $1,000 in fines from his homeowners' association
because he put up his Christmas lights too early.
[ Light laughter ]
The fine seems pretty harsh.
I mean, a little Christmas cheer never hurt anybody.
Can we take a look at his decorations?
♪♪
-All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. You know what? Put him in jail.
Put him in jail. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, this went viral on TikTok.
It made me laugh. While hanging Christmas lights,
like one of those special inflatable Santa things,
the husband forgot to zip-tie the Santa's hand
to make it look like he's waving.
So instead, it looks like he's doing something...
[ Laughter ]
Watch this. Take a look at this.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, wow. Oh.
[ Cheers ]
All right. Oh, no.
Oh, no. -Oh!
-Yes.
"It was at the stroke of midnight..."
[ Laughter ]
"...when Santa finally arrived."
If you like that video, you can see more of it on OnlySantas.