Probably one of our most common topic requests. "How to handle tantrums?" I've got
4 things to do with my child throws a tantrum. Listen in. I promised you 4
things. Really the first thing is the most important thing so we're going to
jump right in. Stay calm. You stay calm. You want to calm
down your child. It's important to start right you here at home. I guess there's a
lot of obvious reasons why this is the case. Understanding child psychology.
Remember that children become little emotional mirrors. It's like they want to
reflect everything that's going on with mom or dad. And so, they're going to pick
up on your emotional state. And if you're all tied up in knots, it's going to
impact their ability to regulate their own emotions and behaviors. And kids
already have a challenge with that. Especially young kids like toddlers. But
even teenagers sometimes will be overwhelmed with their emotions or their
effects and as they launch into a tantrum, the most important thing you can
do is to keep control of you. I know that's easier said than done. So a quick
brain hack for you. Do some breathing and I mean prior to having to deal with the
fight-or-flight response of your child. Learn to regulate your own. So practice
this just maybe 3 times a day. For a couple of days, take slow deep breaths.
I'm not talking about when you're interacting with your child. I'm talking
about just find time to practice this. Because you need to get in control of
your own emotional world. So, the breath can go something like this. In through
the nose and stretch those lungs and hold for maybe 10 seconds. You don't have
to hold a long time but just feel the stretch and then slowly out through the
mouth, purse your lips like you're blowing out birthday candles to restrict
the flow a little here. You want to think about twice as long to exhale
as you did to inhale. and then push it out a little and then in through the
nose again. Hold for maybe 5-10 seconds, out through the mouth. Nice and slow. Okay.
Now, if you're doing that with me you're going to feel something happening. What
we're doing here is reversing the fight-or-flight response that's such a
natural reaction of our brain. Calming down the limbic system that we're getting the
blood flow redirected up to the frontal cortex that we're going to need to do
the other things that are necessary when our kids throw a tantrum. Got to get our
own brain back. Reclaim the brain. Get that real estate back into your control.
Okay? And you can do that through the breathing. Now, if you've practiced this,
then when your kids tipping over and you feel yourself getting triggered, you can
take one breath, do it the same way. In through the nose, hold briefly. Out
through the mouth, nice and slow. And if you've practiced, just that action will
be enough to help you to employ tip number 1, stay calm. Now remember some
things you control and other things you don't. You don't get to control whether
your child throws a tantrum or not. If you were in control of it, it wouldn't be
happening. So, let's connect to that and realize okay it's going to happen. I
don't get to decide that but I can contain it. Tip number 2 is to contain
the tantrum. If it's going to happen and you can't stop it, at least move it into
a place where it can be somewhat contained. So, you might choose the
child's room. You might have a timeout chair or an area of your house like the
bottom three stairs for example or a hallway that's kind of shut off from the
rest of the house. Someplace where you think
contain it. And as you contain it, you use wording that sounds kind of like, "I
understand that you're upset. This is the place where you can have your tantrum." If
you want to call it a tantrum, you can call it something else. "This is the place
where you can have your meltdown. This is the place where you get to be until
you're done." And you're staying calm. Remember that's tip number 1. Contain
that tantrum. Usually kids are pitching this fit, they're throwing this tantrum
for some reason. And you can usually figure out what it is because you're so
brilliant. And it's not always that hard. Sometimes they throw a tantrum because
they didn't get something that they wanted. This happens all the time in very
inconvenient places like at the grocery store. When the child wants that candy
over there that's so alluring and so tempting and
mom says, "No honey, you can't have the candy." And then they throw a tantrum,
right? So, do the math. Why are they throwing the tantrum? Because they want
the candy. We can easily make the mistake of reinforcing that tantrum by saying, "Oh,
here. Just be quiet." And giving them the candy. Tip number 4 for what to do
when your child throws a tantrum is to refrain from paying them off for the
tantrum. and to do that, you have to understand why they're doing it in the
first place. Giving them what they're throwing the tantrum to get makes the
problem worse. You probably already know this but it's so easy to do it as a
parent because you just want it to stop, right? Now, if you can contain it like we
talked about in tip number 2 that's going to help. We have to refrain from
paying them off for what they're throwing a tantrum for in the first
place. The fourth tip that I have for you today has to do with your example and
what you're modeling for your children. Model respect. Model appropriate
communication. Sometimes you can do this right in the
the tantrum while they're pitching a fit and you say in a calm way, "Sweetie, when
you can talk to me the way I'm talking to you. We can resolve this." Now, that
assumes that you're modeling respect and communication and your remaining calm
which was the first tip to start with. You'll also notice that this particular
tip and strategy has nothing to do with the tantrum. It has to do with the
culture that you're creating in your home. The culture of positive
communications and interactions. A culture of positive parenting because
you are a benevolent, loving, generous parent. And this culture then starts to
set a stage for the children where it's less comfortable for them to throw a
tantrum in the first place. Thank you for being here as a positive, conscious
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