FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A NEW YORK-BASED STANDUP
COMEDIAN WHO HAILS FROM NORWAY.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" DANIEL SIMONSEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> AH, YES, AH, HELLO.
AH, HI.
I'M FROM NORWAY, SO IT'S GOING
TO BE A LOT OF FUN.
( LAUGHTER ) I ALWAYS ASK THEM TO MENTION I'M
NORWEGIAN UP TOP OR AS PEOPLE DOUBT I'M A REAL PERSON BECAUSE
NOBODY SPEAKS ENGLISH THIS WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I SOUND
LIKE THIS MYSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST STARTED TO TALK, AND THIS
IS HOW IT CAME OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IMMEDIATELY I WAS, LIKE, OH,
NO...
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETH...
SOMETHING IS WRONG ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I JUST CAME FROM BACKSTAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS LOTS OF MIRRORS IN MY
ROOM.
WHEREVER I TURNED MY HEAD, THERE WAS A MIRROR, YOU KNOW.
SO, YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR OWN DOUBT.
( LAUGHTER ) I OFTEN MAKE THE AUDIENCE
NERVOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M HERE TO SPREAD JOY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THEN I OPEN MY MOUTH, AND -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- IT CREATES HUGE DISCOMFORT.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) I MAKE OTHERS NERVOUS BECAUSE
I'M SHY.
DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN RUIN A DINNER BY NOT SAYING ANYTHING?
( LAUGHTER ) I DO THAT ON A REGULAR BASIS.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME
YOU CAN BE QUIET AROUND PEOPLE BEFORE THEY FREAK OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) I GO WAY BEYOND THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST THERE ON THE SIDE, LIKE
A LAMP.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I TRY TO BE PART OF THE
GROUP, SO EVERY NOW AND THEN I SAY, REALLY?
( LAUGHTER ) JUST TO SHOW THEM I'M ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHO I'M ALWAYS LIKELY
SCARED OF WHEN I GO TO DINNERS?
CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY CAN REALLY EMBARRASS YOU
BECAUSE, IF I'M WEIRD AND NERVOUS SOCIALLY, THE GROWNUPS,
THEY JUST LET IT SLIDE, BUT A CHILD, HE SAYS OUT LOUD EXACTLY
WHAT HE SEES.
( LAUGHTER ) SUDDENLY, WHY'S YOUR HAND
SHAKING WHEN YOU REACH FOR THE CHEESE?
( LAUGHTER ) WOW, THANKS A LOT, DUDE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BOTHER
ME THE REST OF MY LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM
THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I'M THE OPPOSITE GUY TO
WHO I WISH I WAS.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN OUTGOING GUY WHO IS REALLY FREE
SOCIALLY.
I WANT TO BE THE GUY WHO IS REALLY FUNNY AROUND THE GRILL.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THE GUY WHO ARRIVES AT
THE BARBECUE, AND THEN THE MOOD GOES UP?
( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE GET REALLY EXCITED.
HEY, GUYS, JASON IS HERE!
BUCKLE UP.
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL THEY'RE NEVER THAT PUMPED
TO SEE ME.
THEY MORE LOOK WORRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, NO, THE MUTE GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT HE
DOESN'T HAVE TO SAY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I KNOW THIS IS A LOT HARDER
TO BE QUIET AT THE DINNER THAN A BARBEQUE.
THE PROBLEM AT A DINNER IS YOU'RE ALWAYS SITTING IN THE
SAME SPOT, SO IT'S SO OBVIOUS YOU'RE NOT TALKING.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AT A BARBECUE, YOU'RE OUT IN
THE OPEN, PEOPLE ARE STANDING IN GROUPS.
SO YOU CAN, LIKE, WALK OVER TO THIS GROUP AND BE QUIET OVER
THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN JUST WHEN THEY GET
SUSPICIOUS OF YOU, YOU CHANGE LOCATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND YOU CAN RUIN THIS CONVERSATION INSTEAD.
BUT RIGHT BEFORE THEY FIND OUT YOU'RE SHY, YOU SAY, REALLY?
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, THAT'S IT FOR ME, GUYS.
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN SEE DANIEL AT
THE COMEDY CELLAR IN NEW YORK CITY THIS THURSDAY.
DANIEL SIMONSEN, EVERYBODY!