-Oh, yeah. What a crowd, huh?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, you can tell it's going to be a good crowd
'cause we have groups of women, right? Yeah.
That's what you want to see at a show is groups of women.
'Cause when women are out together, they're happy, right?
That was the game plan at 3:00, you're together now.
You're very excited about your evening.
You see groups of men together,
things have gone horribly wrong.
[ Laughter ]
You see five dudes together,
they're killing time before the strip club.
That's all that is. [ Laughter ]
Now, I'm not a strip club guy,
but if you go to one in New York City,
most of the performers are from Russia,
which is odd, because the accent
does not lend itself to the profession.
[ Thick Russian accent ] "Hello, would you like me
to give you lap dance?"
[ Laughter ]
"No, thank you, Boris."
"Okay. Let me know when you're ready for boom boom!
[ Laughter ]
I tease Russian people, but they're very tough, man.
Never complain to a Russian person
'cause they've always had a way harder life.
I got a Russian friend, doesn't matter what I say to her,
she's always got a way worse story.
She's always like,
[ Russian accent ] "Yes, Ryan, I understand."
"When I was 8 years old, KGB kill my whole family
"right in front of me.
But yes, girl not texting you back -- very sad!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I'm an idiot, man. I like sports.
I like American football, that's my thing.
I know most of the world likes soccer, right?
And you're very passionate about it.
I've been yelled at quite a few times.
I got yelled at by a French guy.
He goes... [ French accent ] "Ah, you Americans
don't like soccer 'cause you've never won a men's World Cup."
Well, that's true, America's never won a men's World Cup,
but then again, we did win two World Wars,
so what's up, bitches?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Joke's not usually a room divider.
[ Laughter ]
Some of you guys rooting for the other side?
[ German accent ] "They will get you next time!"
[ Laughter ]
I played football when I was younger,
but I was a bigger dude.
I was about 300 pounds. Bad food addiction.
Food addiction is the worst addiction you can have
'cause you can't stop.
Can't go cold turkey 'cause cold turkey's delicious.
[ Laughter ]
If you're a big dude in high school,
they make you play football.
The gym coach follows you around the hallway
like a chubby-chasing pedophile.
[ Laughter ]
"Look at the size of you.
"You're beautiful.
"What are you doing after school?
I've got a position for you."
[ Laughter ]
"Do you want to go to Penn State?"
[ Audience groans ]
[ Applause ]
Some of you guys are taking this way too seriously.
Here's my advice for the rest of the show --
every time I say something, and you think it's offensive,
I want you to take a deep breath and then go,
"Maybe he's kidding."
[ Laughter ]
I'm a single guy here in New York City,
mostly 'cause everyone's crazy, but, ladies, you own it.
Oh, yeah. You call a woman crazy, they agree with you.
Try it. Call a woman crazy. They just go,
"I know! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
[ Laughter, applause ]
New York City makes everyone crazy.
It just does, right?
Traffic in New York City is so bad,
it will make you talk bad about people
you never thought you would talk bad about.
They mess up traffic. I was here when the Pope visited.
I never thought I was going to have a bad word to say
about the Pope.
I did.
They shut down every street in the world
for the Pope's safety, which is ridiculous.
You're the Pope. Have a little faith!
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
If you're single and you're over 30,
you're going to get dating advice from relatives
you didn't ask for.
Yeah. My grandmother gives me dating advice.
She goes, "Ryan, you should try to meet
someone nice on the bus."
[ Light laughter ]
She's 97. The bus was her Facebook.
[ Light laughter ]
She says that 'cause she met my grandfather on the bus.
He was the bus driver. [ Light laughter ]
True story.
She tries to make it cute, she goes,
"Well, I wanted to ride the bus for free, so I married him."
[ Laughter ]
That's adorable until you think about it.
And then you're, like, wow! Grandma was the first easy pass.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Look, I've had relationships.
I actually just had one end kind of weirdly.
I actually had a girl leave me for someone
way better than me -- way better.
Major League baseball player. Right?
I think she told me, she thought I'd fight for her.
But when she told me, I was just like,
"Oh, that's a really good move."
[ Laughter ]
"Can you get me tickets?
Grandma says I can take the bus there."
I'm Ryan Reiss, guys!
Thanks for your time! [ Cheers and applause ]