Let's talk about
North Korea,
the world's largest Escape the Room.
With the release of three American hostages last week,
and a major denuclearization summit set for June,
America's relationship with insane Teletubby Kim Jong-un
has never been better.
In fact, things have been looking so optimistic
that President Trump is even getting some awards buzz.
Everyone thinks so, but I would never say.
(laughs): Nobel.
That's very nice.
Nobel. (chuckles)
Trump's fake humility is priceless.
-(laughter) -He's like, "No, no, guys,
no, guys, please, no. They're saying 'Nobel.'
"That's what they're saying. 'Nobel. Nobel.'
"You can't hear them? 'Nobel.' That's what they're saying.
No, no. Please, no, no, Nobel, Nobel, Nobel, Nobel."
But genuinely, look at that smile.
Have you ever seen Donald Trump this genuinely happy before?
He looks happier than Ben Carson in a mattress store.
That's what he looks like.
He's like, "It's a land of opportunity."
But maybe it was all too good to be true.
Because last night North Korea pulled out of a peace summit
with South Korea.
And now they're threatening
to pull out of peace talks with the U.S.
Which is such a drag for President Trump.
This was the one thing that he was gonna do right.
Now they're screwing him so hard it's gonna cost him 130 grand.
-(laughter) -On the other hand,
on the other hand, I will say this--
the Kim of the North does seem to have
some valid reasons.
NEWSWOMAN: North Korea cancelled today's talks with South Korea
over ongoing U.S.-South Korea military exercises.
It's an exercise called Max Thunder
involving the United States Air Force and South Korean forces,
with about 2,000 troops participating,
according to the Department of Defense.
Yeah, you see, South Korea and the U.S.
are conducting a big military exercise
right on North Korea's doorstep.
And I can see why this would make Kim uneasy.
I mean, first of all, Max Thunder is a badass name
for a military drill.
Yeah, it sounds like a Gatorade flavor with cocaine in it.
But also, imagine you and your enemy agree to...
agree to be friends, right?
And then all of a sudden you see them outside your window
practicing karate moves, just like, "Yaah! Yaah!"
You're like, "What are you doing?"
"Oh, hey, Gary, I'm just punching a dummy
"with your face in it, but it has nothing to do with you.
We're cool. I'm gonna kill you, Gary! Yaah!"
And North Korea's complaints go beyond the military drill.
(laughter)
Does everyone remember
Trump's national security advisor John Bolton? Yeah?
The guy whose mom definitely cheated with a walrus?
-(laughter) -Well... well, lately...
lately, Bolton's mustache hole has been saying things
that have made North Korea feel a little... not nice.
NEWSMAN: President Trump's national security advisor
John Bolton was singled out by the North Koreans
for suggesting that North Korea could be disarmed like Libya
15 years ago.
I think we're looking at the Libya model of 2003, 2004.
NEWSMAN: The North Koreans don't appreciate the Libya example,
because eight years after dictator Muammar Gaddafi
abandoned his weapons development,
he was overthrown and killed.
What kind of moron uses what the U.S. did in Libya
as a sales pitch to another dictator?
"Uh, Kim Jong-un, here's our opening offer.
"You shot on the head on the side of the road.
Yeah? Yeah? Hello? Uh, hello? Oh, this must be a bad line."
This is so dumb. Like, that's not a sales pitch.
This would be like Richard Branson saying,
"Buy a ticket on my space flight,
I'll give you the full Challenger experience!"
And what John Bolton said upset North Korea so much
that they specifically called him out
for antagonizing them.
Which I think must have made Trump so angry, right?
This whole thing could be screwed up because of him.
I bet he ran into Bolton's office and was like,
"You idiot! You might have cost me my Nobel Peace Prize.
"I would punch you, but I still want to win it,
"I still want to win it, and many people are saying
"I should win, so many people.
Nobel. Nobel. Nobel. Nobel."
So... so as it stands right now,
things are not looking good for the June nuclear summit.
But I don't think that we should allow things to fall apart.
The president's happiness is at stake, people.
And I guess so is world peace, or whatever.
So... to make things right with Kim Jong-un,
I would like to offer, from The Daily Show,
John Bolton's actual mustache.
-(laughter) -Yes. As a token of our goodwill, Kim Jong-un.
Don't ask me how I got it. Just know that I did.