♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HEY, JON, GOOD TOY SOO YOU AGAIN.
MAN, LAST NIGHT, WE'RE STILL HAVING TO COOL DOWN THE BUILDING
FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE ON THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.
THERE WAS STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.
THEY HAD TO BRING IN ENGINEERS TO SEE IF THEY COULD SHORE UP
THE ED SULLIVAN.
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT WAS FOUR OF ME.
WHEN YOU HAVE FOUR OF ME IT'S A LOT.
>> Stephen: LEGALLY YOU CAN'T HAVE MORE THAN FOUR JON BATISTES
IN ONE LOCATION.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
I GOT FOUR REGISTRATION NUMBERS FOR THAT GIG.
IT WAS BIG.
THE UNION HAD TO COME IN ON THAT, YOU SEE.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANY MUSIC LEFT IN YOUR BODY TODAY, JON?
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAVOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH?
>> Jon: YEAH, ALWAYS A LITTLE TASTE IN THIS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A FINE
WAY TO TREAT A STEINWAY.
MR. JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: LAY IT ON.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE A LOT OF
URGENT CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS RIGHT NOW: WHEN WILL THE
VACCINATION RATE ALLOW US TO REACH HERD IMMUNITY?
HAS SOCIAL MEDIA FLUNG OUR NATION INTO AN EPISTEMOLOGICAL
CRISIS?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SWAMP-BASED TV SHOWS?
THE ISSUE IS THAT THERE ARE SO MANY BIG ISSUES, THAT SOMETIMES
YOU LOSE SIGHT OF THE LITTLE ISSUES BECAUSE OF SUCH BIG
ISSUES.
AND THAT'S AN ISSUE.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY RECURRING SEGMENT, "UH-OH!" WHERE WE
EXAMINE ISSUES THAT, ONCE YOU START THINKING ABOUT, YOU REALLY
WISH YOU COULD STOP THINKING ABOUT.
TONIGHT'S "UH-OH," BIG TECH COMPANIES LOVE TO MAKE PROMISES
IN ORDER TO SUCK UP THOSE SWEET SWEET STATE SUBSIDIES, LIKE THE
PROPOSED WISCONSIN FOXCONN PLANT THAT PROMISED 13,000 JOBS, AND
FOR WHICH "FOXCONN TORE UP A SMALL TOWN," "RAZED HOMES AND
CROPS," AND WAS PROMISED "MORE THAN $4.5 BILLION IN GOVERNMENT
INCENTIVES."
AND TO THIS DAY, THAT PLANT "STILL HASN'T BEEN BUILT."
PLUS, THE FOXCONN C.E.O.
PROMISED 76 TROMBONES!
PLUS, COPPER-BOTTOM TIMPANI IN HORSE PLATOONS AND DOUBLE BELL
EUPHONIUMS AND BIG BASSOONS!
THAT FELLA'S BEEN A RASPBERRY SEED IN MY WISDOM TOOTH
LONG ENOUGH!
PLUS, NOW TECH COMPANIES HAVE REALIZED THERE'S A MAJOR
PROBLEM WITH STRIPPING LOCAL COMMUNITIES FOR THEIR GOLD
FILLINGS AND TAX BASE: THE HASSLE OF HAVING TO LIE FIRST.
BUT THERE'S A SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM OF ANY PUBLIC
ACCOUNTABILITY, BECAUSE IN ORDER TO ATTRACT JOBS AND INVESTMENT,
"A NEW NEVADA BILL WOULD ALLOW TECH COMPANIES TO CREATE THEIR
OWN GOVERNMENTS," "ESTABLISHING NEW BUSINESS AREAS WHERE THEY
CAN FORM SEPARATE LOCAL GOVERNMENTS," WHICH PROVIDE
SERVICES AND IMPOSE TAXES.
UH-OH.
I, FOR ONE, DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THE PRINCIPALITY OF
"GOOGLETOWN."
YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED TO BUY GOOGLEMILK AT THE GOOGLEMART
UNLESS YOU BUY A GOOGLE GLASS!
NO ONE WANTS IT!
STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT GOOGLE HAPPEN!
NOW, ENCOURAGING INNOVATIVE COMPANIES TO COME TO YOUR STATE
IS A GOOD THING, BUT NOT IF THEY REPLACE THE STATE.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS PROPOSES, WHICH LEADS TO MY
"UH-OH" SUB-SEGMENT: "YIKES!" THESE CORPORATE GOVERNMENTS
WOULDN'T EVEN BE SUBJECT TO LOCAL GOVERNMENT.
THEY WOULD BE CARVED OUT SEPARATELY AS SO-CALLED
"INNOVATION ZONES," AND WOULD BE GIVEN THE SAME AUTHORITY AS
COUNTIES.
YIKES!
WE ALREADY HAVE A WORD FOR MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE WHO HOLD
THE SAME POWER AS GOVERNMENTS: IT'S CALLED "FEUDALISM."
YOU REALLY WANT TO ESTABLISH A SOCIETY BASED ON THE MIDDLE
AGES?
GOOD LUCK, BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE
CORPORATE TAXES TO PAY FOR IS NOW JUST GOING TO BE A BUCKET OF
LEECHES.
SUCKER!
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING, CAN ANYONE WHO OWNS A RADIOSHACK
FRANCHISE FOUND THEIR OWN GOVERNMENT IN NEVADA?
THE ANSWER IS NO, BUT THAT'S SOMEHOW LESS COMFORTING,
WHICH LEADS ME TO MY "YIKES!" SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "GULP!"
ACCORDING TO THE PROPOSED LAW, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD APPLY
FOR AN "INNOVATION ZONE" WOULD NEED TO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, ACRES
UPON ACRES OF UNDEVELOPED LAND, AND AN "INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY."
GULP!
THOSE ARE THREE CONDITIONS BETTER KNOWN AS THE BOND VILLAIN
COMBO.
AND IT'S HAPPENING AS I SPEAK.
A COMPANY CALLED BLOCKCHAINS L.L.C. HAS ALREADY COMMITTED TO
BUILDING A "SMART CITY" THAT WILL RUN ON ITS TECHNOLOGY.
GULP!
BLOCKCHAIN IS WHAT THEY USE FOR CRYPTOCURRENCY, YOU KNOW, THE
MADE-UP MONEY FOR DRUG LORDS, HIT MEN, AND GUYS ON TINDER WHO
WANT TO EXPLAIN WHAT BLOCKCHAIN IS!
THIS IS A BAD ROAD TO GO DOWN, FOLKS, BECAUSE IF WE START
HANDING OVER OUR INDEPENDENT GOVERNMENT TO THE INTERESTS OF
PRIVATE INDUSTRY JUST FOR JOBS AND INVESTMENT, THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW, WE'LL BE SPENDING BILLIONS IN PUBLIC FUNDS TO A
LEAGUE THAT PAYS NO TAXES FOR FOOTBALL STADIUMS THAT IT ONLY
USES FOR EIGHT GAMES A YEAR-- WHAT?!!
UH-OH!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "WANDAVISION," PAUL BETTANY.
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