(funky spooky electronic music)
- [Justin] I'm getting a sense of a naturalist
from this person.
- [Griffin] Yeah I'm getting that sense.
- [Justin] They know about tree beef,
they know about bush candy.
(Griffin laughs)
- [Justin] Okay, shh shh shh shh shh shh, I need everybody
to be fucking absolutely quiet as we finish this up.
(Justin laughs)
- [Griffin] Oh shit! Oh my god.
- [Justin] Tamatha Radbody.
- [Griffin] Tammy, to her friends.
- [Justin] Tammy to her friends.
Let's learn about health and the forest.
- [Griffin] All right lets go learn about the tree of life.
Olier, thanks for all your help,
I'm gonna leave you with something.
Stink bomb, boosh!
- [Griffin] And, Bless just loaded.
Mmm look at that! It's life beef. The living beef.
Fur beef. Ah, fuck me.
Don't pet it now you weirdo!
(Justin laughs)
Yo! This is! Oh I see.
- [Justin] Oh you were... - [Griffin] It's man beef!
- [Justin] Thanks for the free arrow.
(Griffin laughs)
- [Griffin] Hell yeah!
- [Justin] Nice, where's our button to do that?
Maybe when you're level 19.
- [Griffin] If you wanna do that rad shit, hit the tilde
button two times. Then, in this order, four, R, three, R,
one. Don't break your chain.
- [Justin] Then type in your credit card number.
Attendance check? Griffin McElroy, are you here?
At class today? That is 100% it is. Video games are
so bad. I don't like 'em anymore.
- [Griffin] Collect daily reward!
- [Justin] Griffin? Griffin McElroy?
- [Griffin] Here!
- [Justin] Here. To get my. Look at that!
- [Griffin] Just have to login nine days in a row
and I get hot food lucky chest.
- [Justin] Chewy chili meatloaf? Tasty saffron baguette?
Tasty chili baguette? What the fuck are you on about?
Tasty chili baguette. I'll get home to call Eric Ripert
ask him to make me a chewy chili baguette like in France.
- [Griffin] Oh shit hold on. This fox is super corrupted.
- [Justin] This game's corrupted! Video games are corrupted.
- [Griffin] Hello friend.
- [Justin] Chewy chili saffron baguettes today?
- [Griffin] Do you have a chewy chili saffron baguette?
- [Griffin] Burn it with fire? Good.
So you want me to go around and just...
Just so I'm sure, here in the forest,
where all the wisdom lives and all the deku tree
and all that shit.
You want me to go around and start a bunch of cool fires.
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] Perfect.
- [Griffin] Cool, yeah, I Guess so.
Like this or closer to the trees? Closer to the trees?
He says closer to the trees okay.
It's really hard not to fight these animals.
- [Justin] Well, they'll die with all the other animals
once you've burned this forest to the ground, so it's really
there's not much point.
- [Griffin] What's our next mission. I want you to go around
and take this chainsaw, and just start going hog wild baby.
- [Justin] Level this shit. I've got a bunch of
ash borer beetles, I want you to unload these
into the forest.
- [Griffin] Okay so now it is time for killing.
I'm so sorry my friend. If it makes you feel any better,
I don't know how to do this, so its gunna take a long time.
It's gunna hurt the most it possibly can.
- [Justin] So sorry.
- [Griffin] As far as I can tell, one two and R is just...
Oh I didn't even need to point. Look at this I can just hit
one two and R and win.
- [Justin] Oh there you go.
- [Griffin] That's awesome.
- [Justin] I'm glad they taught us that then.
- [Griffin] With my right hand I can go and you know,
play field hockey or something
- [Justin] Whatever. Whatever is around.
- [Griffin] Mmm bones. Now this is a skull fragment.
We need these for the wisdom of the forest.
This is also a good way of locomotion.
Cause I don't want to go through all the time of pressing
WASD, or whatever it thinks WASD is. Making my way
back to my friend Tanara. - [Justin] QZAR.
- [Griffin] I'm just gunna let the murder take me there.
Hey buddy, daddy's at work okay? Daddy's at work
I need you to...
- [Justin] Talking to my work friend Tanara.
- [Griffin] I'm talking to Tanara now from work.
- [Justin] Sweetie.
- [Griffin] So I need you to...
- [Justin] Sweetie. Why don't you FaceTime your mimi.
- [Griffin] Baby FaceTime mimi okay?
- [Justin] Hey go FaceTime mimi baby I'm talking to my
work friend Tanara.
- [Griffin] I'm talking to my work friend Tanara from work
I need you to go watch your videos okay baby?
- [Justin] Hey baby can you go do Baby Bum?
Go do Baby Bum baby.
- [Griffin] Baby go get the iPad and go watch Baby Bum
for me okay? Daddy's at work.
- [Justin] Daddy's talking to his work friend for the
Broken Bow Patrol Guard.
- [Griffin] Baby.
(Griffin laughs)
Oh my god all right. Oh my god video games yeah.
Can I shoot and run? I can.
- [Justin] Perfect. That's good you don't even have
to look at it.
- [Griffin] This is very good. I think every
video game should have this.
If Red Dead Redemption 2 had this, I would not
have given that a 3.0 for my video games website that I run
secretly now that I've left Polygon, called IGN.
- [Justin] The Imagine Griffin Network.
- [Griffin] Is it you with the light? Yeah it's always
the one with the light
- [Justin] Yeah.
They don't want to make it... Wait--
- [Griffin] Oh more baguettes fuck yes.
- [Justin] Hell yes stack em up. Baguette to the economy
in Bless.
- [Griffin] Animal jelly I would love to rub that
all over the face.
- [Justin] That would be so good on the baguette.
- [Griffin] They don't sell baguettes, you're not wrong
baguettes are really just for the
virtuous warriors of the realm.
Ooo we found the wiki. Let's check on, items.
Baguette, baguette, baguet-- food.
Welp. That's all we get on food unfortunately.
This is food.
- [Justin] This one's food.
Griffin can you close this window please.
- [Griffin] Why.
- [Justin] I just need to verify something.
Is your character currently carrying 50 pickaxes.
- [Griffin] Yes.
- [Justin] Okay good.
- [Griffin] Community portal.
Be bold...
(Justin laughs at Griffin's Bless Wiki entry, "Can you get pregnant in Bless?")
- [Justin] After his big divorce.
There you go. Now just leave that there and by the afternoon
someone will make a podcast about it.
- [Griffin] The successor's the one who provides roots
for the tree of life. Cool. Goodbye.
How many wolves do I need to kill to become the successor
of the tree of life.
- [Justin] No I want our conversations to go like this,
you tell me a number, I assume that's the number of
wolves. I leave.
- [Griffin] Hello Beren.
(Justin laughs)
I'm here to try the exam.
- [Justin] Do you think Beren has a day where he's like
"I don't wanna put the really heavy metal plates
on my shoulders, I have to stand here all day."
- [Griffin] I'm getting teleported.
- [Justin] To the learning dungeon.
- [Griffin] Oh fuck.
Our fucking tree guys!
I'm gunna do magic try to make the tree come back!
- [Justin] There was a great battle
and I was stuck in the air for hours.
(Griffin laughs)
Exhausting.
The great protector blamed herself
for the great battle that happened.
- [Griffin] She said "Righteous. Sick battle, boys."
- [Justin] She left her broken bow behind.
Why'd you want her to take it with her? I mean. It's broken.
- [Griffin] Take your shitty garbage with you when you--
okay.
- [Justin] Lets talk through this.
(Griffin laughs)
Who would wish to be successor.
What do you think is the difference between silly ones
and eternally living elves.
- [Griffin] Y'all, I know what the game wants me to say
but the silly ones, they die and they turn into bones.
- [Justin] Yeah, I hate them.
I don't think so.
(Justin laughs)
Think about it once again. You've now eliminated
1/3rd of the options.
I don't get it yet.
- [Griffin] This is like if you're at the Jedi Academy
and they're like "You see a woman struggling in the street.
Do you use your jedi powers to help her, or choke her
and shoot her and her kids with lightning." And you're like
"Ah, definitely the lightning one man."
"I don't actually think that's right, do you want
to try again?"
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] We're gunna give you a second chance.
- [Griffin] I feel pretty sure about the lighting.
- [Justin] You were probably confused or listening to music.
Take out your AirPods and we'll try again.
- [Griffin] You listening to some of the great
mp3s that come with Bless?
I don't feel like I finished anything but all right Beren.
Justin. I have not played an MMO in a bit.
- [Justin] Uh yeah, and this one seems to be a pretty
MMass MMO
- [Griffin] Yeah I like how massively multiplayer it is
what with all the players there are like Marcelle there.
That could just be anybody.
You know what'd be a funny joke.
- [Justin] What?
- [Griffin] If what if instead of, you know,
tree beards magic elixir to dump
on these? If you did piss.
- [Justin] Piss. I was gunna say piss too
we would have said piss at the same time.
- [Griffin] Cause I think that would help Bless
stand apart was if it had some of that
good South Park humor.
- [Justin] Are you level one again?
- [Griffin] Yeah I think so.
- [Justin] What happened?
- [Griffin] Bad behavior.
- [Justin] Got dinged.
- [Griffin] I got dinged.
Can I get inside my face that's
always a fun thing to do in these games.
- [Justin] Whoa Whoa whoa whoa.
- [Griffin] Well you can get it for a second there.
- [Justin] Does it autocorrect?
Cameras are so judgy these days.
- [Griffin] Let me fucking in there.
Let me in that melon.
Okay I can go inside the body.
- [Justin] That's huge. There's nothing in there.
Just once I wish they'd just draw some
- [Griffin] Some guts. - [Justin] Some small organs.
Some guts.
- [Griffin] Is there emotes?
Fuck yeah.
Well. I wanted fortnite dances but I guess
that's fine Tammy.
- [Justin] Excuse me. You're in my tree.
- [Griffin] There's gotta be funny emotes right?
Like...
- [Justin] Floss? Floss Floss?
Carlton's funny dance, nope. Can you shit?
- [Griffin] I wonder if its gunna bleep it.
- [Justin] Yes!
- [Griffin] Aww yeah dude!
- [Justin] All the letters!
- [Griffin] Wait what?
- [Justin] Ass is fine.
No letters from shit.
- [Griffin] Butt's not allowed! Hold up.
Butt's not allowed but ass-- - [Justin] But ass is?
(Justin laughs)
What on earth? There must be a lot of donkeys
in the game. That's the only thing.
And bastards right. There's donkeys and bastards
in this one.
- [Griffin] Face anger. Oh shit! Yeah!
- [Justin] Whoa! That's the emotion itself?
- [Griffin] Fuck yeah symbolic nobody can be angry anymore.
- [Justin] I took care of that. Now you can
steal all her stuff and her wife. Steal her wife!
She can't get mad! Oh but now you
can't get greedy about her wife anymore
cause you killed avarice.
- [Griffin] Damn it!
- [Justin] Damn it. Hey do you think you could do this one?
Because by the nature of thinking that you will be able
to do this you make it stronger.
- [Justin] Whoa. - [Griffin] Whoa. Damn juice.
You should write for Bless.
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] And now, you've bested avarice and lust
and greed and gluttony and now, Ganon.
You have to do Ganon now. It's weird.
- [Griffin] Ah fuck I pressed the buttons too fast
and now I'm going somewhere I don't know.
- [Justin] Wow you really beat all those emotion's
asses clean into the ground huh?
I like how that the battle against emotions
which is conceptually pretty high-minded
took about fifteen seconds.
- [Griffin] I haven't gotten any new fun
clothes. Where is the fucking market!
- [Justin] Thank you. I thought this was pay to win!
- [Griffin] Friends, companions, dominion contract
market status. Okay okay okay okay.
Okay here we go. That's 14 gold that's 100 gold.
I just want fun clothes. Receive. I would love to
receive... Sell. Are there really only two items
in this entire market?
- [Justin] That's impossible.
I like how... (griffin laughs)
No items in Favorites list. Please add them to your list
after searching for the item. Bless!
- [Griffin] Wait did it not like how fast
I was clicking? Wow I've never seen that before.
You're clicking way too fast man. This is Bless okay.
- [Justin] Calm down.
- [Griffin] Calm down it's not Excel okay? This is Bless.
No clothes. Okay! Pointless - [Justin] All right.
- [Griffin] How do I fucking pay to win!
- [Justin] I just wanna win! - [Griffin] Store store store.
- [Justin] Store store. Pay to win.
- [Griffin] Winter Milky Way Set...
- [Justin] What about the little clothes hanger?
What if you click the little clothes hanger.
What's that do.
- [Griffin] Ah that's it that's it okay good.
I didn't want to spend 30 dollars on something
that was deeply horny.
(Justin laughs)
Yo. - [Justin] Dang.
- [Griffin] Fuck yes! Now we're on some Parasite Eve shit.
- [Justin] Love that. - [Griffin] Its so... Yes.
- [Justin] I mean, these are all actually very powerful
the snowflake winter festival set is good
cause we missed out on that I think.
- [Griffin] And the boots are pretty wild.
Cause they kinda have to be.
- [Justin] I'm not even sure I would
pay 30 dollars for any of these.
- [Griffin] I would pay 30 dollars for this one.
- [Justin] Yeah, that one is good.
- [Griffin] It's fucking amazing.
Just to double check this costs 2600 so 20 dollars
(Justin laughs) is not going to be enough to
buy this one.
Boy 30 dollars for a joke feels pretty bad Justin.
All right, everybody make believe
she's wearing a cool dress. - [Justin] Yeah just pretend
she got the dress we'll come buy it on us.
We'll get it on our own. Our own steam.
- [Griffin] Yeah we'll play it until we raid
and we'll kill a big spider that drops
a lovely silver gown.
Is this still the tutorial?
- [Justin] Like, has the game begun?
- [Griffin] I don't know yet.
Justin I can't stop thinking about that fucking gown.
- [Justin] We may have to and then
just demand reimbursement.
This would be so funny to watch her
running around in the milky way gown.
It may be worth it.
- [Griffin] Ah Justin 30 dollars though you could
do a lot of stuff with that much.
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] I know I know!
- [Griffin] You've completed the tutorial so guess I'll die.
- [Justin] Bye! Hey have you seen my broken bow around here?
- [Griffin] Wait hold up did you figure out how to
auto run.
(Both laugh)
- [Justin] The light's below her hands
they couldn't even render the light in her hands.
- [Griffin] So I guess you've got my
mom's essence or something now.
All right we did get some new clothes. It sucks.
- [Justin] You're dressed like Brian
or whatever his fucking name was.
- [Griffin] I hated Patrick I don't wanna be him.
- [Justin] Now you're dressed like Patrick
now you have to buy the dress.
Buy the dress! Buy the dress!
- [Griffin] Oh my god.
- [Justin] Reinforce this Griffin.
Help video games wrap up.
Push the boulder a little bit quicker down the hill.
(Griffin laughs)
- [Griffin] I've played for three hours.
This may affect my life, yeah no kidding.
I'm about to spend fucking 30 dollars on a virtu-dress.
Oh hurry hurry hurry, hurry before I think about it.
(Justin laughs)
Oh hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry.
Oh do it for the vine, do it for the vine.
Oh my god this is taking so long
I don't want to do it anymore.
- [Justin] So much time to rethink it.
- [Griffin] It's given me an error code this is Gabe
saying like, "Griffin. Griffin--"
- [Justin] "Griffin, don't, it's not that funny."
- [Griffin] "I know you're doing it
for the vine but holy shit man."
Authorize that payment baby here we go!
Goodbye 30 dollars that I could spend
on another game that's not Bless.
- [Justin] Jimmy Banks, bad news.
You know what, while we're here,
I'll message Chris Grant.
- [Griffin] Okay.
- [Justin] And just see if its okay.
- [Griffin] Okay now we have 3800 Lumena.
What's the word from Chris.
- [Justin] He said "I'm googling Bless."
I said "Don't do that."
Bad news, the first thing Chris found
is a video titled "Bless Online is an embarrassment
to the MMORPG genre."
- [Griffin] Well that's a shame.
- [Justin] Okay I have confirmation Chris has said
he will expense it. Yes this is approved. Approval.
- [Griffin] Fuck yes! She is so powerful!
She's headed to the fucking Met Gala look at her! God!
- [Justin] God yes!
- [Griffin] Is there anything else
we can buy with this Lumena cause god knows
I'm not gunna play Bless again after this.
(camera shutter noise)
- [Justin] I'm just gunna send you this screenshot Griffin
so you have it on your computer.
- [Griffin] Okay good.
- [Justin] It's so good though.
- [Griffin] I can't... yeah.
- [Justin] It's the best 30 dollars Chris ever spent.
- [Griffin] Are you there Pet? It's me.
Oh there we go! Wow that's a big boy huh.
Lot bigger than I thought. - [Justin] Damn.
That's the kinda pet that says "Hey I'm a fucking sucker."
(Griffin laughs)
Good news, hit me up for cash.
- [Griffin] I like how we match. Me and my eyeball son.
- [Justin] Yeah. It's a very good look.
- [Griffin] My eyeball son does put out
a lot of particle effects though.
- [Justin] He's slowing down the rig huh?
- [Griffin] He's making the rig work
a little bit harder than it needs to.
Tanara! I'm the successor now!
- [Justin] It's me your mom! I dress
like your mom used to to make you feel more comfortable!
Now that I have her soul!
- [Griffin] Tanara was like, all right why don't you
go head to Eternal Haven, and like, watch this woman's
mom die and then get her powers
so you can become the successor.
She's coming back wearing this.
(Justin laughs)
She's like "Holy shit I knew you were gunna go
talk to the tree of wisdom, I did not know you were going to
get such an extreme glow up."
- [Justin] I'm ready now, for my quest.
Is my quest to do a huge mountain of cocaine?
Because that's what I'm ready for.
That's what I'm dressed to do.
A pile of the good good white stuff.
- [Griffin] These robes indicate that you've--
(sentence breaks into laughter by both)
- [Justin] These robes?
- [Griffin] Wait, is Elain gunna die too?
This tutorial has such a wicked body count.
I mean as much as I feel we need to keep playing,
to make this 30 dollar purchase that Chris Grant
so irresponsibility spent worth it,
I do want to give her a rating.
- [Justin] Yeah, I mean. I think.
You know a lot of times people ask "Is something worth
X amount of dollars." I'm prepared at this moment to give
Tammy Radbody, $29.99. If you see Tammy at $29.99,
that's a deal, that's a bargain you're gunna want to
pick her up. Because that is 30 dollars well spent.
- [Griffin] That's the ultimate endorsement of
any monster we've ever created. I spent 30 dollars
on a nice dress for my new friend Tammy Radbody,
and I do not fucking regret it.
- [Justin] I don't think you should play Bless.
If we're reviewing Bless, I don't think
you should play Bless. I don't think so.
- [Griffin] No. But it is free.
- [Justin] It is free, until you are forced
to spend 30 dollars to buy aesthetics.
Unless you're forced by a sense of aesthetics
to spend 30 dollars.
This is a good character, a great video,
bad electronic entertainment program.
(Griffin chuckles)
But maybe good, because this is good.
- [Griffin] Yeah the video's good,
if it made a good video and it makes people smash
the like, then 10 out of 10!
- [Justin] Then who am I to judge!
God you don't think about the Mirror Ball Watcher
is going to be doing a lot of watching.
- [Griffin] Just a lot of it but it's
right there on the tin huh
- [Justin] Yeah.
(ethereal choir music)
- [Justin] - Hey everybody, quick programming note,
in the near future we're gonna be publishing
new episodes of "Monster Factory"
just on the McElroy family YouTube channel,
so if you aren't already subscribed to that,
you'll wanna go ahead and do that.
- [Griffin] Smash it, baby!
- [Justin] Griffin, I asked you not to.
I begged you not to.
- [Griffin] Mmmm, smash that!