- [Narrator] If you search for recent headlines
about consent, you'll find that all the coverage
is about duping, and stealthing and children.
These headlines show that we as a society are stuck
on the most basic definition of consent.
(bell rings)
Which makes sense, given that so few of us
were taught about consent as part of our sex education.
But, we could be talking about consent
as the first step to much better sex.
- I think that a lot of BDSM practitioners
practice negotiating consent
in a way that the general population
doesn't have a chance to engage in.
In a lot of heteronormative vanilla sex,
things are just taken as a given
rather than figuring out where your desire fits
into what you've seen on TV.
- [Narrator] So how can we get to the next level
of negotiating consent,
so that we can explore putting those moments
that turned us on into practice?
First, go see if your state requires covering consent
in sex education, because it probably doesn't.
And petition your legislators to get on that,
so the next generation doesn't have to do this.
But back to your sex life.
Hate to start with the boring stuff,
but you have to master the basics
and start relationships based on a model
of communication and consent.
Start when you're dating.
- It's important that we disclose to our partners
exactly what our activities and risk profile looks like.
And then partners can decide,
is that an acceptable level of risk for them?
And that doesn't mean that you have to tell
the people that you're with,
exactly who you're hooking up with.
But I think it's painting a picture of
what your risk level is,
and letting them determine their own path forward.
- [Narrator] And communicating these things
is not necessarily easy, by the way.
- I don't know if this is everyone's experience,
but I had to learn how to say, "no."
And not just in the bedroom, just in my life, period.
So, voicing my needs was essential
to my relationship with myself and to the people around me.
Communication is a practice.
It takes dedication and commitment to doing.
The more you do it, the easier it gets.
- [Narrator] But as you start to practice
voicing your needs...
- [Announcer] One eternity later.
- [Narrator] you can start exploring
within your heteronormative vanilla relationship.
- Consent, we love it.
And also, makes checking in
while you're having sex, much less stressful.
And honestly, hotter.
Communication fosters an environment for consent,
which fosters an environment for safety.
And there's nothing sexier to me
than feeling safe in my sexuality
and with a partner.
I think that is of the utmost importance.
How can there be pleasure without safety and trust,
and that communication there?
- [Narrator] And once you've developed these tools,
you can start to use them to explore your desires
that really require safety and trust.
- I'm team throat (beep) all day!
And the thing that I realized
that that actually is the emotional need coming up,
is that if you're gonna have someone
that is constricting your airways,
which is similar for choking or anything like that,
it's an immense amount of trust.
And so, then when you break it down that way,
it's like not thinking about,
oh, here's the thing that maybe looks aggressive on screen
but it's the trust
and the emotional security that I'm trying to get to.
- What is really interesting to me about BDSM
is sort of the ritualized forms of negotiation
that figuring out what kind
of play you're interested in doing,
how you're interested in interacting with someone.
And I also think it's really important to talk
about what happens when something goes wrong.
And I say this for anyone in any sort of relationship,
whether it's kinky or not,
but that all intimacy is inherently risky
and that something is bound to go wrong.
Do you trust the person that you're playing
with to be able to sort of
bring it back to a space of goodness?
Or to end it?
If that's the way that it's going.
- [Narrator] Consented communication can get you
the emotional and physical safety
for orgasmic shameless sex and whatever turns you on.
- In relationships it's easy for people to make assumptions.
And this is why communication is so important
because otherwise we're just assuming
and then we're projecting
and then what's really going on
gets confused and lost in the mix.
I think that having this open communication
and having consent,
it shows that you are compassionate and that you care.
- [Narrator] Consent carries a lot of weight, and it should.
The more you practice it in small, everyday ways
the more you can demystify it.
All while having the best sex of your life.
How did communication improve your sex life?
Tell us in the comments below.