Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I would discuss the Hero Child. Now the Hero
child can differ in different kinds of, for want of a better term, dysfunctional families. There
could perhaps be narcissistic parents. There could be parents with a mental illness. There could be
an addiction, but one way or another, for the child, those parents are emotionally distant,
they're emotionally unavailable or emotionally even, perhaps physically absent. But one way or
another for the whole family unit there is a lot of deep emotional pain for everyone.
So if you like this video, if you find it helpful or interesting, please consider subscribing to my
channel. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support from a mental
health professional nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone. The Hero Child is quite often,
though not in every single case, they re quite often the oldest child and they tend to learn to
adapt to the chaos, the neglect, the abuse, to the lie that they're all living by, by becoming
in many different ways, becoming what they need to be., whatever it is the family needs them to be.
The Hero Child in their young age tends to be very self reliant. The people around them trust them,
come to rely on them. They learn they have to be both brave and strong which can often come
at a cost to their own childhood. They may find it difficult just being playful, just,
just being a child. There can be an intense need to have a sense of control over things,
experience a lot of stress and anxiety, panic even whenever they don't feel in control.
Particularly, say if one of the other family members goes off the rails. The Hero Child can
often take on the role of parenting. Perhaps parenting the parent or indeed both parents.
They tend to be very helpful at home. Do the chores, look after the younger siblings and are
often described by other adults as being so mature well beyond their years. It's like their ten going
on forty. They are the sensible one, the one that everyone depends on. At school they may excel,
they get good grades, they become the sensible one among their peers among, among their friends.
They re often very well or at least they try to be very well thought of by their friends
parents. This comes at a lot of fear and anxiety, not wanting others to know what's really going on
at home. That hero child can do a lot to try to hide what's really going on at home. The public
persona, that public image, that presentation hides the shame of the family, and indeed in
a lot of cases their own shame. Even as children they re often trying to bring a sense of honour,
a sense of normality to themselves and their family by being the one who has it all together.
The one that you can always depend on for good results. The one who has good manners and so on.
The name of the family is dependent on them, so they would rarely get into trouble. The hope being
that if they are good, if they accomplish, if they achieve, if they show people that they are
honest and decent, they can drag that unhealthy family out of the Hell it keeps dragging itself
into. And I think what we often see is a child who s longing for some kind of approval.
They become used to tackling problems, handling situations that are well beyond their ability
and their level of maturity. The parents in fact, sometimes the parents will even point out
the Hero Child as evidence that they are good parents. They are good people,
and this in turn adds even more pressure to the child to keep up the hard work.
The Hero Child often takes on that burden of being an adult, being a parent, sometimes being
a surrogate partner. As adults, they tend to be very driven, workaholics sometimes,
claiming whatever it is they're doing they are doing it for their family. In reality a lot of
the times what they're doing is they're doing it for their own self concept, having learned that
they are only regarded for what they do for what they achieve, they, what they can do for others.
They can find themselves sometimes with a partner who is maybe an addict or a narcissist themselves,
and end up in a relationship as dysfunctional as the family that they grew up in.
Repeating that cycle of trying to rescue, fix, cover up for, and so on. All their lives there's
been a lot of expectations placed on them. Placed on them there by their parents to act
like a responsible adult, placed on themselves not to fail, not to let anyone know what's really
going on. And this can bring an immense fear of failing, letting other people down. They can
often feel, especially as children feel overly controlled. Not being able to make their own
decisions, not being able to do things that they feel it would be in their own best interest. There
are times though as that Hero Child is growing up, perhaps they reach adolescence, reach their,
their teens, their late teens, they begin to realise that no matter how much they do,
whatever they try to cover up new matter how well mannered, how well behaved they are, they
will never get the approval from the parents that they so desperately need. that there hoping for.
Sooner or later maybe they stop trying. They focus that energy elsewhere. Become as I said
earlier become maybe workaholics focusing more on other areas. That Hero Child can
often grow up to become a good leader, a good manager, be conscientious in their approach.
But what we often see is they are hiding a lot of intense loneliness. Again, in some cases they may
become very resentful towards their family of origin. Others can be very forgiving, accepting
of their family but no longer waste the time and energy on them, they, they live better lives. They
live better lives for themselves and for those that they feel close to. And even in cases if
they just cut all ties with that unhealthy family and move on, they can still be left with a lot
of internalised anxiety and depression. Sometimes people pleasing behaviours and become something of
a rescuer. Now in cases where there's narcissistic parenting, where the family dynamic as can be,
as I've often describe, more like a cult and I've made videos of narcissistic families if you want
to check those out to get an idea what I mean, the hero role can look quite different. For example,
the child in a narcissistic family who is in the role of Caretaker when they take on that hero role
i's in the sense that they learn to put everyone else's needs in front of their own. It's almost
like they're the self sacrificing hero. They learn to serve. The belief that everyone else is much
more important than they are. With the Golden Child we see a different kind of hero again.
Again, the Golden Child, often lacking a sense of self, it's their image, the image of the parents,
the family image is very important to them. Now not in every single case again, but they
are not what you would call the selfless hero. What we often see is the self appointed hero,
the self appointed leader who is superior to the siblings and everyone else. They will always know
best. They will always have the answer, be better, you know, Do as I say because I'm the one who's
in charge. They, they see themselves as the hero and do things to be seen, to be praised by others
were there's no audience, they could care less. So that's a brief outline of the Hero Child or Hero
Children I suppose there are different types. As always, if there's anything I've missed please use
the comment box below. There are some interesting conversations starting around these videos.
If you find this video useful or interesting, please consider subscribing to my channel for
future updates or mental health related topics and until next time, thanks for watching.