WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
YOU ALL ARE IN FOR A TREAT.
NOW HERE WITH A SCENE FROM HIS ONE-MAN SHOW, "CAREER SUICIDE,"
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE VERY FUNNY CHRIS GETHARD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK.
WHEN I STARTED SEEING MY SHRINK, SHE SAYS TO ME, SHE GOES, "YOU
DON'T DRINK BOOZE ANYMORE, HOW COME?
ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?" I SAID, "NO, I WOULD GET OUT OF
CONTROL A LITTLE BIT, BUT I NEVER DRANK EVERY DAY.
I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC."
AND SHE SAYS TO ME, "ACTUALLY, IT'S A LOT MORE ABOUT YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL.
GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE."
AND I GO, "OKAY.
I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS A STUDENT AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY
EVIDENCE OUT DRINKING WITH THIS GIRL AND I REALLY WANTED TO
IMPRESS HER, SO EVERY TIME SHE HAS A PINT, I HAVE A PITCHER.
I AM JUST THROWING IT BACK."
AND REALLY QUICKLY, SHE IS LIKEING" THIS ISN'T COOL MAN,
I'M HEADING HOME."
AND I HEAD HOME, TOO.
THIS IS WHAT BAFFLES MYSELF.
I HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
MY ROOMMATES WERE DRINKING, I GRABBED A BOTTLE, CHUCKED IT
OPEN, THROW THE EMPTY BOTTLE ON THE GROUND.
NOW, MY ROOMMATES ARE DRINKING MAD DOG 20/20, WHICH SOME OF YOU
HAVE HEARD OF.
FOR ANYBODY WHO IS NOT FAMILIAR WITH MAD DOG 20/20,
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HOMELESS.
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOOD.
I DO NOT MEAN TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT LET'S BE HONEST THE TARGET
DEMOGRAPHIC OF THIS PRODUCT IS THE HOMELESS.
Y I WAS DRINKING THE STRAWBERRY KIWI FLAVOR.
AND MY ROOMMATES WERE LIKE WE CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT?
I SAID GIVE ME ANOTHER.
I CHUCK ANOTHER BOTTLE OF BAD DOG.
THIS IS WHEN THE NIGHT GOES NUTS.
I'M OPENING WINDOWS, YELLING OUT IN THE SCREEN, GETTING IN MY
ROOMMATES' FACES.
I'M ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR.
IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS CHAOS, MY ROOMMATE PHIL COMES HOME, AND
HE DOES NOT SIZE THINGS UP WELL.
HE SAYS-- HE GOES, "HEY, BROS, I'M GOING TO A FRAT PARTY.
ANYBODY WANT TO COME?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE REST OF MY ROOMMATES ARE LIKE, "PHIL, NO, NO, NO."
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH.
I'M COMING TOW THE FRAT PARTY, PHIL.
AND I'M JUST GONNA DO ME, MAN.
I'M JUST GOING TO DO WHATEVER I WANT, PHIL, AND IF ANYBODY HAS
AN ISSUE WITH THAT, I'LL LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU'RE
RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING ME."
AND RIGHT THEN, MY ROOMMATE DAN GRABS ME AND GOES, "PHIL, RUN!"
AND PHIL RUNS.
HE SPRINT OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF OUR HOUSE.
DAN'S PINNING MY ARMS DOWN.
HE'S GOING, "YOU GOTA CHILL OUT, MAN, CALM DOWN."
I'M LIKE, "FINE!" HE HELPS ME GET TO MY ROOM.
I GET UNCRESSED.
HE TUCKS ME INTO BED.
NICE ROOMMATE THING TO DO, RIGHT?
I FALL ASLEEP.
SHOULD BE THE END OF THIS STORY.
EXCEPT THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I COME TO AGAIN AND I'M FULLY
CLOTHED, AND I AM RUNNING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF A STREET, IN NEW
BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY, AND I AM WEARING A BATMAN MASK.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHERE I GOT ONE.
I'VE NEVER OWNED A BATMAN MASK.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE D.C. COMICS, MAN, BUT I AM WEARING ONE AND I
AM RUNNING, MAYBE FROM THE PERSON I TOOK THE BATMAN MASK
FROM.
I BLACK OUT AGAIN.
I COME TO.
I'M ON THE FRONT PORCH OF A HOUSE.
I'M TRYING TO OPEN A DOOR.
THERE'S A GUY HOLDING IT CLOSED FROM THE OTHER SIDE GOING, "NO,
SERIOUSLY, BATMAN, YOU CANNOT COME IN HERE."
I BLACK OUT AGAIN.
I COME TO ON TOP OF A PARKED CAR.
I'M JUMPING UP AND DOWN.
THERE ARE PEOPLE SURROUNDING THE ENTIRE CAR GOING, "BATMAN!
BATMAN!" I BLACK OUT.
I COME TO, I'M BACK IN MY ROOM, THANK GOD.
AND I'M SITTING ON THE EDGE OF MY BED, BLINKING THROUGH THE
BATMAN MASK.
AND AS I GET MY BEARINGS, I REALIZE THAT ON THE COUCH IN THE
CORNER OF MY ROOM THERE ARE TWO ADULT MEN HOCAN ONLY BE
DESCRIBED AS SKETCHY, AND THEY'RE LOOK AT ME.
AND I'M LOOKING AT THEM.
AND FINALLY I SAY, "YOU, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE."
AND THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
THE ONE GUY GOES, "WAIT, WHAT?" AND I GO, "YOU HAVE TO GO.
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
OF THE AND OTHER GUY GOOI GOES, "BUT, WHAT HAPPENS?"
AND I REALIZE I MUST BE IN THE MIDDLE OF TELLING THESE GUYS A
STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW IT
ENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
SO I STAND UP.
I'M LIKE SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW.
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
AND RIGHT THEN, MY SHRINK INTERRUPTS ME AND GOES, "YEAH.
YOU'RE DEFINITELY AN ALCOHOLIC."
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
NOW, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
THANKS FOR SHARING.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME DO MY COMEDY.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU-- HOW DOES YOUR THERAPIST FEEL ABOUT YOU
SHARING THE STORY THAT YOU SHARED IN THERAPY, AND MAKING--
HE OR SHEER?
>> SHE.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES SHE FEEL THAT SHE'S A CHARACTER IN YOUR
SHOW?
HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT THAT?
>> SHE'S NOT THRILLED.
SHE SAW IT ON SATURDAY.
AND AFTERWARDS I TEXTED HER.
AND A FEW HOURS LATER I WAS GETTING NERVOUS AND SHE FINALLY
WROTE BACK, AND SHE SAID, "I FEEL OKAY ABOUT IT AFTER THE
TEQUILA SHOTS I TOOK."
>> Stephen: THE SHOW IS CALLED "CAREER SUICIDE."
WHERE DOES THE TITLE COME FROM.
>> IT'S KIND OF ABOUT-- YOU SAW ME DOING COMEDY ABOUT ALCOHOL
AND DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE STUFF.
I THINK IT'S FUNNY BUT ALSO REAL, AND BANKING YOUR CAREER ON
THE IDEA OF SUICIDE IS IN AND OF ITSELF SUICIDE.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW?
IT'S A ROUGH TIME TO BE SAD.
>> IT IS.
I WILL TELL YOU THE PAST WEEK-- THE TICKET SALES-- LIKE, PEOPLE
ARE REALLY IN THE MOOD FAIR DEPRESSION-THEMED COMEDY SHOW
RIGHT NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) VERY MUCH SO, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOUR FAMILY-- YOUR FAMILY FEATURES IN THIS.
ANY REACTION FROM YOUR FAMILY?
THANKSGIVING IS COMING UP.
DO YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THE SHOW YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR
LOVED ONES?
>> A LITTLE BIT.
THEY SAW IT.
MY PARENTS SAW IT.
MY MOM WAS TOUCHED.
WE HAD A VERY EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION AND MY DAD IN IRISH
CATHOLIC FASHION SAID, "GOOD SHOW."
>> Stephen: IS THAT THUMBS UP?
>> YEAH, HE TEXTED ME NICE THINGS THE DAY AFTER.
BUT FACE TO FACE-- MY DAD WOULD BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT NOT
EMOTIONAL MAN AT ALL.
THAT WAS THE MOST TENDER HE HAS EVER BEEN.
>> Stephen: I FOUND OUT TODAY DID YOU A LIVE ELECTION NIGHT
SHOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I DID ONE, 22.
WHAT WAS YOURS?
>> MINE WAS ON PUBLIC ACCESS TV FOR 12 STRAIGHT HOURS.
>> Stephen: MINE WAS ONE HOUR.
IT JUST FELT LIKE 12 STRAIGHT HOURS.
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR 12 HOURS?
>> MOSTLY IT WAS-- WE TALKED ABOUT THE RESULTS AS THEY CAME
IN.
AND THERE WAS SO MUCH JOY AND POSITIVITY FOR THE FIRST 10
HOURS.
AND THEN THAT WENT AWAY.
COMEDIANS CAME IN, DID BITS.
SO MANY FUNNY PEOPLE AROUND NEW YORK, AND THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF
MINE WAS JUST ME SITTING WITH MY COAT AND HAT ON WAITING TO
LEAVE.
IT WAS JUST LIKE WHEN IS THIS DONE.
>> Stephen: EVERYONE LEFT?
>> THE WHOLE STUDIO CLEARED OUT AND IT WAS ME SITTING IN SILENCE
FOR 10 MINUTES AND THINK WHEN DO I GO HOME AND FACE THE FACT THAT
DEMOCRACY HAS FALLEN?
WHAT AM I DOING ON PUBLIC ACCESS TV RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: DEMOCRACY HAPPENED.
DEMOCRACY HAPPENED?
>> THAT'S TRUE.
IT'S JUST BEEN TAINTED AND CORRUPTED.
HOPEFULLY NOT PERMANENTLY.
ITS SCARY SIDE HAS SHOWN UP.
BUT THAT'S OKAY.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
>> Stephen: YEAH ( SIGHS )
>> Stephen: EVEN-- EVEN-- EVEN BATMAN HAS HIS DARK DAYS.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
THAT IS VERY TRUE, YEAH.
>> Stephen: CHRIS, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
>> YOU, TOO.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME AGAIN.
>> Stephen: "CAREER SUICIDE" IS OFFBROADWAY AT THE LYNN RED
GRAVE THEATER.
CHRIS GETHARD, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.