What can parents do to overcome teenager's lame excuses?
Let's jump right in with four practical strategies that you can employ
right away to get the responsibility back on their shoulders. First up, keep your own cool. Obviously,
this is important in any aspect of parenting with any age child. It's particularly important with
teenagers because of some of the control dynamics that come up when kids hit those teenage years.
They want to feel in control and that's okay, that's healthy, that's something we want
to encourage. The problem is we don't want them to feel artificially or falsely empowered. We
want them to take appropriate responsibility for things that they should be responsible for. Your
feelings is not one of those things. If they feel responsibility for your feelings that's too much
of a burden for a teenager. So we have to detach from the outcomes a little bit, work on ourselves.
So that we don't get tipped over when our teenager gives us a lame excuse about something. Keep your
cool. Here's the second tip and this has to do with some things to avoid. We don't want to slam them.
They get that enough even in their own mind. Of all the people that I've worked with through my career.
Teenagers probably are the most likely to jump to self-hatred, beating themselves up over things
that they didn't do well enough, and some of this comes from the messages that we give them.
We don't want to slam them, no lectures, no accusations, no blaming, no sarcasm, no meanness.
The short version, be nice. Treat them the way that you would want to be treated.
Teenagers are in an interesting position because they're not quite adults but they're not exactly
children either. So, as they negotiate this very turbulent time of life they need to have
parents and adults in their life who are compassionate and understanding and nice.
You can be firm and still be nice. In fact, that's an important balance to strike so that you can
set and enforce appropriate limits. But you're also seen as a provider of good times and good things.
Those two things together will put you in a position of authority as a parent and help you to
gain the respect of your teenager. Hey real quick, before I share the other two with you. It's not
easy to parent teens. If you want more support with videos like this click on that subscribe button
right now and click that notification bell. That way you get a notification. Getting back to the
topic of this video. What do you do about lame excuses? I'm going to suggest something that might
rub you the wrong way just a little bit and that is to listen, listen with compassion and empathy.
There's probably some reason why they're creating the story that they are and it's not your job to
get that all corrected for them right up front. Simply listen, listen to understand. Stephen Covey
used to teach this in his leadership seminars. That's the first goal of communication to listen
to understand. Now, there's two components to that. Listen, has the same letters as the word silent,
that's a clue zip it. Listen, be quiet and see if you can truly
understand, remember that's the other part. Listen to understand. You're not listening so that you can
gather data to argue against whatever they're sharing with you. You're not listening to be
quiet while you're waiting your turn to talk. No, you're listening to understand. See if you
can really hone in on what they're trying to say and you can use reflective listening. Reflection
is kind of like a mirror right? You're shining back to them what it is that you're getting. So, you'll
say things like, "Okay, so you're saying", and then you give it back to them in the way that you heard it.
This is a powerful communication skill that will help you to deal with some of the lame excuses
that you're getting and then we'll move into the next step. After putting yourself in a position
to understand where they're coming from. Do not rescue them from whatever consequences come as
a result of whatever their choice was. Usually if they're coming up with some kind of lame excuses
because they neglected some responsibility they had. They didn't get the assignment turned in. They
didn't do the chore whatever it is and they're coming up with a story about that. That's what
we're calling a lame excuse right. Don't bail them out from the consequences of that but use
empathy. Empathy is where you understand and you care about how someone else feels. So we've got,
we've talked about the understanding as you listen to understand. Now, let's go to the caring part.
Caring and empathy will help you to have a more powerful position as a parent
and it will allow you to align with them without bailing them out. So here's a phrase that you
can use and this is based on the empathy but also your understanding of what they've said.
Without taking over the problem yourself you turn it back to them. You put that responsibility
squarely back on their shoulders for whatever it is they're giving you the excuse about,
and instead of solving it you say something like, "Wow, so what are you going to do about that?",
or, "So, what's next for you? In this area, whatever it is. Can you see how that question is going to
help your teenager stay in a responsible position for whatever they're giving their excuses about.
You're not taking it over, you're not bailing them out.
But you're being there in a supportive way saying, "Okay, what are you gonna do next?",
and do it with true empathy. Don't put the twist on it, "Well, so what are you gonna do about this?".
Okay, that's accusatory don't go there, be empathic. So what are you gonna do buddy?
Okay, join with them feel with them and don't bail them out.
Parenting and especially parenting teenagers is not for the week of heart, have you noticed?
But you're not doing this alone. The next video for you is five things that every
parent of a teenager should know. Click on that video next, you're going to like it.