♪♪
-I often say in the body
of "Corrections" that I stand corrected.
I've been told I should say, "I sit corrected."
Because I never stand on this show.
I, of course, used to stand when we started this show,
but I had to stop when --
there's no easy way to say this --
everybody was a real dick about it.
The vice president lives at the Naval Observatory,
not The White House, which is something
I'm pretty sure Obama had to tell Biden every day.
[ As Obama ] Shouldn't you be, uh, getting home?
[ Normal voice ] We did a "Surprise Inspection"
of our writers, the segment on our show
where we read some of the bad jokes they submitted.
Matt Goldich wrote a joke about Pepsi
no longer producing Sierra Mist
and how that was sad because it was the main ingredient
in Sierra Mistu.
This was the art card for that.
And then people said, "In Sierra Mist,
the bottle is green, not the drink."
And that is the only problem with that joke.
There was also a joke about the show "Wednesday."
The punch line was, "Here's The Thing..."
And then we showed a picture of the character Thing.
That joke worked, got a proper applause break.
Now, I'm not sure if people actually liked the joke
or if it was just so good compared to what was around it.
You know, if you're in the desert long enough,
you'll drink your own piss.
It doesn't mean it's refreshing.
There's a reason Pepsi stopped producing it.
But whatever reason, be it the quality
or the surroundings, people did genuinely
like that joke.
I will concede the point.
And multiple people then, in turn, made this point.
And now I'm quoting someone.
They said, "You didn't say who wrote --"
Because we do call out the writers
after their "Surprise Inspection."
"You didn't say who wrote the 'Wednesday' Thing joke.
You do this all the time.
When the joke gets a laugh,
you move on without saying the writer's name."
That's true.
We made a joke that the Mars candy corporation
should have been inspired by current events and created
a new mascot, a gray M&M, who carries around
classified documents.
I forgot. You guys, I forgot.
1997, there was a gray M&M.
There was a whole marketing event created by
M&M with the imposter M&M, who was gray,
and if you found a gray M&M, you'd get $1 million.
Now, I know some people who found him,
and they did not turn it in for $1 million,
because -- I don't know what it was.
I don't know if it was the gray dye
they used or what.
Because the high when you took one of those
was out of this world.
You remember '97, Shoemaker?
Poppin' grays?
I mean...
We'd be listening to The Verve or The Verve Pipe.
What a time. What a time for Verve bands.
'90s. It was a cornucopia
of bands with Verve in the title.
And we had Korn.
For the life of me, I cannot remember.
What made me think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise?
Tell you this, though.
Married now, three kids, bills to pay.
If I get a gray M&M now, I turn it in for the money.
I got called out on a mispronunciation again,
which is bad, because I've already
gotten in enough trouble with the knitting community.
I said this was
someone holding an "I Love Wally" mug
at crotch level.
It's pronounced "croch."
We mentioned Sir Isaac Newton.
I said he would ignore -- He was so into the idea of gravity,
he would ignore it if a naked lady fell into his lap.
A lot of you said he probably would ignore it.
It is speculated that he died a virgin
because he thought --
One person -- Only one person said this.
I didn't do any digging.
I don't find the guy that interesting.
That he was a virgin because he thought
that would give him immortality.
And, in a way, you know what? He's right.
Because here we are. Obviously, he died.
Still talking about him, still saying his name.
God bless him.
While all his other friends were,
to use the parlance of the time, out chasin' tail,
he knew to be sitting in a field,
watching -- in an orchard or whatever --
just making sure he was the guy who was there
when the apple came down.
We talked about my mistake two weeks back
referring to the Reillys as the O'Reillys.
There was an incident I did not mention last week
because I had been advised by my legal team
to let it play out...
in the courts.
So, after I made the mistake --
incorrectly referred to the Reillys
as the O'Reillys, I found this in my dressing room.
Not by itself -- with this.
And you know what I did?
Went to H.R. immediate-- right away, reported it,
which is what they told us to do this week...
in our Respect in the Workplace seminar.
And if that doesn't sound familiar,
Wally, it's because they said it in the first 15 minutes.
You -- I wish you could all see Wally roll into
an all-staff meeting dead last,
not a care in the world,
sunglasses inside.
Just sits down, all his bags.
Wally don't need no preamble.
You know what you are good at, though, Wally?
Scanning in the QR code.
Point is, i call H.R., say,
"I got this threatening note in my dressing room."
And they say, you know, "Do you have proof it's,
you know, it's one of the Reillys?"
And I'm like, "Who else would leave it there?"
And they were like, "Without proof, we can't do anything."
And I'm like, "Who's going to stand up to this
reign of terror, you know?"
And then she says something, the H.R. person.
Always very nice, until this thing.
She goes, "I'm gonna tell you something.
If you ever repeat it, I'm going to
disavow I ever said it.
Let it go.
It's not worth it. Let it go."
And I'm not saying she's a Reilly,
but when I said, "I'm going to kick it up the ladder,"
she called me in "eedgit."
I've been complaining about people misusing our P.O. Box
to send Mac Tonight merchandise and crafts.
I'm happy to report this has slowed down.
I received a very cool gift from a jackal
with the request that I show it first and then read the note.
This is really very cool.
Take a look.
And I'm guessing, because a jackal sent it,
I think I can guess what it is.
"Dear, Seth, your dog Frisbee is with the angels now.
Not. It's a skull that...
Someone named Mason.
Thank you, Mason.
Said they got it -- Poached it? Got it. No.
It's a black-backed-jackal skull.
And this is cool.
It has -- The tape is actually there for a reason.
I guess even after a jackal dies,
they don't stop [bleep] yapping.
Someone also wrote -- Because I would think
this would, like, pair very well with everything out here,
but I guess someone just wrote a very simple note that said,
"You have too much [bleep] on your desk."
It might be time to thin that out.
Oh, I sang a few lines from "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown."
Some people were unfamiliar with the song,
asked who the original singer was.
"Jim Crotch."
Croce?
The Clapper uses two claps, not one.
Did a thing where Mike Pence was running,
and the lights would go off every time he clapped
and then back on.
It's two claps, not one. Bunch of you knew that.
And it's just weird how many of the 20-somethings
who I assume make up the lion's share of our
audience would know that.
I read the comments from the previous week's "Corrections,"
newest first.
So I'm going in reverse order.
And we told -- made a prop joke about Amelia Earhart.
And, so, I read a comment from someone that said,
"Thank you for the prop joke.
I might be, but I hope not,
the only pilot who watches 'Corrections.'"
The very next one I read, which would have been
the previous comment -- Same person.
Their previous comment before the one I just read you was,
"I honestly don't know why I watch this."
That must have been so amazing for you.
So upset that you leave a comment,
and just seconds later,
I make a joke specific to your profession.
What a day.
We made a lot of flubs regarding the animal kingdom this week...
which means it's time for our brand-new segment,
"Animal Flubs."
♪ Animal flubs, animal flubs ♪
♪ It's time to take a look at some animal flubs ♪
♪ From the birds to the bees to the baby bear cubs ♪
♪ It's time for animal flubs ♪
♪ And I know you don't need to say
"baby" before you say "bear cub" ♪
♪ Because in that case, cub means baby ♪
♪ But when you're writing a song on a Thursday afternoon
when you really should be working on "A Closer Look" ♪
♪ Sometimes, your guy might cut a few corners
in order to make the rhyme scheme work ♪
♪ Animal flubs, animal flubs ♪
♪ I hope you're all ready for some animal flubs ♪
♪ Call all your pals, buddies, and buds ♪
♪ It's time for animal flubs ♪
F.
L.
U.
B.
S.
♪ Are the five letters ♪
♪ You use ♪
♪ To spell "flubs" ♪
♪ Animal flubs ♪
You're right -- a cappella was better.
We mentioned beef prices rising,
but we showed a picture of a dairy cow.
That's an animal flub.
This is an African pygmy hedgehog,
the one we commonly have as pets.
A European hedgehog would be brown all over
without any white.
But they're both delicious.
We did a joke about a bird getting in the house,
and we were told the Photoshop here --
the size ratio is way off.
This Eurasian tree sparrow got way scaled up.
That's an animal flub.
Trump mentioned you'd go to jail
for five years if you killed a bald eagle.
But someone said that was only true when
bald eagles were endangered.
And due to conservation efforts,
they've been making a comeback.
So bad time to be a bald eagle with gambling debts.
Koalas -- Oh, we had a joke.
Here's the art card we used.
There was a radioactive capsule went missing in Australia,
and we said, "We think we found it."
And someone pointed out that the capsule
was found in Western Australia, where there are no koalas.
Bad animal flub.
They said we should have used a quokka.
I had no idea what a quokka was.
I was a little afraid to look, because Australia has some
weird-ass-looking animals, but it was not that weird.
Let's take a look at some video of a quokka.
[ Man screams ] Seven days.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, this has been "Animal Flubs."
♪ Animal flubs ♪
[ Gasps ]
[ Shudders ]
One second.
Can we get a single, Alex?
See me next week. [ Laughter ]