[Music]
hi I'm bored I'm Jimmy I'm the host of
the show thanks for taking a few minutes
away from banana bread or whatever
you're making to watch me talk to myself
in my kitchen I'd like to wish a warm
first night of Passover to those who are
celebrating it who could have guessed
there be an 11th plague this year and
hello to those of you who join me
earlier in prime time for the return of
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire what a big
night for television that we said
goodbye tonight to one of the great
shows of all time Modern Family we will
celebrate later
with the cast via the magic of video
chat tonight we will finally answer the
question what does Ed O'Neill wear
around the house this might be the new
modern family this is according to
People magazine and they've never
steered us wrong before Bruce Willis and
to me Moore who as you probably know
were married at one time are now in
quarantine together there they are with
their kids and a giant spoon I don't
what happened did they shrink and what
is with the pajamas what is happening
here listen I've seen 12 monkeys this is
not how Bruce Willis is supposed to be
handling a global pandemic we're really
getting to see the insides of a lot of
people's houses right now even
politicians Senator Lindsey Graham gave
us a glimpse into his confirmed bachelor
pad after he held up the stimulus bill
because he was concerned that these
greedy and lazy nurses and hospital
personnel would take unemployment money
instead of showing up for work but
yesterday he changed his tune
significantly to send those same people
his thanks and support on World Health
Day we're in a war with this virus and
our special forces our heroes are our
doctors our nurses our EMTs nurses aides
anybody and the supply chain to get food
on the shelves you're truly the heroes
of this fight what a beautiful piece of
artwork I had no idea Lindsey Graham
knew how to paint we also got to see the
inside of Bernie
Sanders's house the big story of the day
well the second big story I guess
is that Bernie Sanders has dropped out
of the race for president he made the
announcement from his home in Vermont
where he has been holed up for weeks
obviously without the benefit of a
haircut I have concluded that this
battle for the Democratic nomination
will not be successful and so today I'm
announcing the suspension of my campaign
now if you'll excuse me I need to get
Michael J Fox back to 1985 within a few
minutes of this news breaking this was
trending r.i.p Bernie and you know when
you're in the middle of a pandemic
talking about a 78 year old man maybe
choose your hashtag a little bit more
carefully give Bernie credit though he
held on for longer than your mother on
the phone even after you thought it was
over had a few more ideas to share
Bernie as you know is in his 70s Biden
is in his 70s Trump is in his 70s and
after this past month we are we are all
in our 70s - so now it's Biden versus
Trump sleepy vs. creepy you know the
president spoke at Joe Biden on the
telephone this week and according to
Biden it was a good conversation and
Trump was very gracious on the call I
don't know that doesn't sound right to
me is it possible
Joe dialed Alec Baldwin by mistake I
really don't know how he finds the time
but Trump has been on TV a lot lately
even more than usual it's like he hosts
a daily show now you know when this
nightmare got started he kept saying
it'll be fine it's like the flu it's no
big deal all you have to do is paint
your face Orange you'll be okay but we
learned yesterday that one of his top
advisors Peter Navarro award him in
January and February
he wrote a memo saying that this would
be very bad there will be a lot of
deaths but Trump as you might imagine
has a different way of looking at that
when Peter Navarro did circulate those
memos you were still downplaying the
threat
coronavirus in the u.s. you were saying
things like I think it's a problem
that's going to go away with him so
ready to go we'll go you said within a
couple of days the cases will be down to
zero well the cases really didn't build
up for a while but you have to
understand how much cheerleader for this
country give me a B give me an S he's
more of a fear leader than a cheerleader
he is so ready to move on from this he
tweeted today the horror of the
invisible enemy except for those that
sadly lost a family member a friend must
be quickly forgotten no it should not be
forgotten we need to remember so the
next time it happens we're prepared for
it all so is this how we handle
tragedies now we forget what happened to
never forget we went from never forget
that forget about it you know even
though the CDC is telling us to wear
masks Trump says he won't and we now
know why he doesn't feel the need to do
that anyone who comes to visit Trump
gets a corona virus test before they
enter the way it works is if you go to
the White House to meet with the
president they'll give you a rapid test
to make sure guests don't have the virus
before interacting with them basically
the White House is running on the same
rules as a porno set right now
Trump also gave us a sneak preview of
the kind of nonsense we have to look
forward to come November the new plan to
suppress voting is to go after mail-in
ballots because of the possibility that
this virus could still be a concern on
Election Day a lot of people want to put
more focus on mail-in ballots so you
don't have to risk your life to cast
your vote but Donald Trump would prefer
we line up you were highly critical of
mail-in voting failing
mail-in ballots for Milanoo anything
goes we were voted by scalloped in
Florida's election in last month I could
vote by mail further because I'm allowed
to
well that's called out-of-state you know
why I vote it because I happen to be in
the white house and I won't be able to
go to Florida look well there's a big
difference between somebody that's
out-of-state and does a ballot and
everything sealed certified and
everything else you see what you have to
do with the certifications and you get
thousands and thousands of people
sitting in somebody's living room
signing ballots all over the place no I
think that mail-in voting is a terrible
thing
Wow yes it would be even if a word of
that was true it would be a terrible
thing he just makes stuff up no one was
signing thousands and thousands of
ballots in their living room unless he
was there's not a shred of evidence that
happened what he's doing he's trying to
set the stage for if he loses if he
loses he'll claim the vote was fixed
he's teeing us up for a civil war and
how can Donald Trump tell us not to use
the mail the mail is how he ordered two
of his wives leadership seems hard to
come by as of late parts of Louisiana on
top of the stay at home orders they have
a curfew and police and the city of
Crowley came up with an overly creative
way to enforce that yeah you might
remember that when that's a siren from
the movie franchise the purge purge is a
horror movie about a national holiday in
which all crimes including murder are
legal for 12 hours when that time period
starts sirens go off to signal all
emergency services are unavailable the
department received more than 500
facebook comments asking why it's using
the siren it was to remind people that
this is a very serious matter
okay well mission accomplished