FOLKS, YOU KNOW, INFORMATION PRESIDENT TRUMP IS STILL OFF ON
HIS TRIP THROUGH ASIA.
HE ARRIVED TODAY IN CHINA, ALTHOUGH HE KEPT CALLING IT
THAILAND BECAUSE IT'S WHERE THEY MAKE HIS TIES.
HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH HIS OLD BUDDY CHINESE PRESIDENT XI
JINPING.
THEY'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE XI VISITED MAR-A-LAGO AND TRUMP
ASKED HIM HOW CHINA GOT MEXICO TO PAY FOR THEIR WALL.
SEEING THE TWO TOGETHER, I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY BONDED,
THEY'RE BOTH LEADERS OF SUPER POWERS.
IT'S NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH, A FRIEND, A BUDDY, THE KIND OF PERSON WHO CAN FINISH
YOUR...
>> ...PUDDING.
PUDDING.
HE CAN FINISH YOUR PUDDING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON STEWART,
EVERYBODY!
JON-- I DON'T KNOW IF I AM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, JON, I GOTTA ASK--
PLEASE.
HE'S HERE ALL THE TIME.
SIT DOWN!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON STEWART, OBVIOUSLY.
JON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER MY DESK.
>> I WATCH THE SHOW FROM THERE EVERY NIGHT.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S A FRONT-ROW SEAT TO THE NUMBER ONE ANKLES IN LATE NIGHT.
STEPHEN'S ANKLES: THE SMART CHOICE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO WE OWE THE PLEASURE OF YOUR VISIT, JON?
CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER PUDDING.
THAT'S SOME INCREDIBLE OBJECT WORK YOU'RE DOING.
>> THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.
I WAS GOING TO DO PANTOMIME WORK BUT I FIGURED I'LL USE REAL
PUDDING.
>> WELL, STEPHEN, AS YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HOSTING THE "NIGHT OF
TOO MANY STARS" TO SUPPORT "NEXT FOR AUTISM," ON SATURDAY,
NOVEMBER 18, ON HBO.
IT'S LIVE AND ON HBO, WHICH MEANS I WILL BE HAVING SOMEWHAT
NIGHT SEX WITH A ROBOT-- LOOKING AT YOU, JAMES MARSDEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
>> IT'S A "WESTWORLD" REFERENCE.
OBVIOUSLY WE DON'T HAVE PREMIUM CABLE AUDIENCE HERE TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: "NIGHT OF TOO MANY STARS," DID I GET THE TITLE
RIGHT.
>> "NIGHT OF TOO MANY STARS."
>> Stephen: CAN THERE BE TOO MANY STARS.
I'VE GOT CHRIS ROCK, ADAM SANDLER, OLIVIA MUNN, ELLIE
KEMPER, JOHN OLIVER, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: STEPHEN COLBERT!
WAIT.
>> STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: I VERY VERY GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM.
HIS ANKLES, ALONE.
>> UNBELIEVABLE.
THE SMARTEST IN LATE NIGHT.
>> WHAT WILL ALWAYS THOSE PEOPLE BE DOING.
>> WE'RE RAISING MONEY FOR A GREAT CAUSE, SUPPORT NEXT FOR
EVERY DOLLAR-- EVERY ONE.
>> EVERY DOLLAR!
EVERY DOLLAR!
EVERY NICKEL.
IT WILL B WILL BE RAISED TO HELP SOMEBODY WITH AUTISM.
SINCE WE STARTED THIS 12 YEARS AGO, $24 MILLION.
>> Stephen: $24 MILLION, WOW, THAT IS--
>> $2 MILLION.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
>> I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS HOME AND SEE IF A RACCOON WILL GET
ITS HEAD STUCK IN THIS.
>> THAT MIGHT GO VIRAL, JON.
$24 MILLION, THAT FAMILY MUST BE RICH NOW.
>> WE'RE SPREADING IT OUT TO DIFFERENT FAMILIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SMART.
>> IT GOES TO MANY FAMILIES ACROSS THE AMERICA.
CELEBRITIES ARE DONATING INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCES TO HELP
RAISE EVEN MORE MONEY.
FOR INSTANCE, STEPHEN COLBERT IS OFFERING AN INCREDIBLE
OPPORTUNITY HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW."
>> Stephen: I AM, AND I CAN'T WAY-- TO SEE WHAT IT IS I'M
OFFERING.
BEFORE YOU TELL PEOPLE, I'M FEELING A LITTLE PARCHED AND
NEED TO GET A SIP OF WATER HERE.
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I'M OFFERING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ONE LUCKY WINNER IS GOING TO
SPEND AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" UNDER YOUR DESK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHAT?
WHAT?
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: YOU WHO.
>> I CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR MOUTH HOLDS THAT MUCH WATER.
THAT'S FOOL NAM.
>> Stephen: IT'S AN INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY, JON!
I'VE GOT THE HOTTEST ANKLES IN LATE NIGHT!
>> YOU DO.
YOU JUST PUT OUT A FIRE ON MY CHEEK.
>> Stephen: GOOD, WOW.
>> AND THERE'S MORE.
THE WINNER WILL STAY DOWN HERE FOR THE MONOLOGUE, GET TO ASK A
QUESTION TO THAT NIGHT'S GUEST, AND POP UP AND DO A PUNCHLINE
WHILE STEPHEN IS AT THE DESK.
>> Stephen: NOT MY PRECIOUS PUNCHLINES!
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WELL, I HAPPEN TO KNOW ANOTHER DETAIL OF THIS
AMAZING PRIZE.
>> DO YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, JON.
YES.
AND THIS IS THE DETAIL.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR ONE WHOLE SEGMENT OF THE
SHOW...
THE WINNER WILL BE JOINED UNDER THE DESK BY JON STEWART!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HAND HIM ANOTHER EMMY!
YUP, THAT WILL BE ME.
>> Stephen: YUP, YOU'RE UNDER THE DESK, JON.
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS UP HERE.
DOES THIS SOUND AMAZING TO YOU?
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, HOW DOES YOUR SUIT GET TO BEAD THE WATER
IN THAT WAY?
THAT'S TREMENDOUS.
>> Stephen: THEY SCOTCHGUARD ME BEFORE YOU COME ON THE SHOW,
JON.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY.
GO TO www.omaze.com/colbert TO SUPPORT "NEXT FOR AUTISM" AND
ENTER TO WIN THE CHANCE TO SPEND AN-- THERE'S NO MORE WATER DOWN
THERE.
TO SPEND AN EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW" UNDER MY DESK!
JON, YOU BETTER MAKE SOME ROOM DOWN THERE.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: JON STEWART, EVERYBODY.
WATCH "NIGHT OF TOO MANY STARS," SATURDAY-- FORGET IT.
NOVEMBER 18 ON HBO, AND GO BID ONLINE.