WELCOME.
IN HERE, OVER THERE.
OUT THERE.
ONE AND ALL.
WELCOME, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND WE RIGHT NOW--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE SECOND ROUND OF DEMOCRATIC DEBATES THAT WE'RE CALLING:
"DEMOCRATIC DEBATE NIGHT: 2 MANY CANDIDATES 2 REMEMBER: FORGET
HARDER!
"THIS TIME IT'S NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE"
ONCE AGAIN--
ONCE AGAIN, THE DEBATE WAS MODERATED BY JAKE TAPPER, DANA
BASH AND DON LEMON-- OR, AS THEY'RE KNOWN THROUGHOUT
AMERICA, "WHERE'S ANDERSON COOPER?"
LAST NIGHT, LAST NIGHT, WE SAW BERNIE SANDERS AND ELIZABETH
WARREN, THE TWO LEADING PROGRESSIVES.
TONIGHT IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE MODERATES, BABY!
IT WAS THE TEMPEST OF THE CENTRISTS!
IT WAS THE RAGE FOR INCREMENTAL CHANGE!
THOUGH IT DID GET CONTENTIOUS AT TIMES TONIGHT.
AM I RIGHT ABOUT THIS?
WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF JOE BIDEN IN A SPIRITED DISAGREEMENT
WITH SENATORS GILLIBRAND AND HARRIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS, OF COURSE, AFTER JOE BIDEN BROKE THE ICE
WITH HARRIS RIGHT AT THE TOP.
>> GO EASY ON ME, KID.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH HARRIS RESPONDED, "I HOPE YOU'RE
WEARING A CUP."
( LAUGHTER )
TULSI GABBARD WAS THERE, TOO, APPARENTLY TO WELCOME EVERYONE
TO HEAVEN.
( LAUGHTER )R
WITH BILL DEBLASIO.
>> WE CAN MAKE CHANGE IN THIS COUNTRY.
I KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE IT CAN BE DONE WHEN I BECAME THE
MAYOR OF THE NATION'S LARGEST CITY.
>> Stephen: "THE SUBWAY USED TO WORK, AND NOW THAT'S CHANGED."
THEN, MICHAEL BENNETT SPOKE, THEN, MICHAEL BENNETT SPOKE,
FOLLOWED BY JAY INSLEE.
OR VICE VERSA.
IT'S REALLY A COIN TOSS.
THEN, SENATOR KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND SHARED A LOFTY VISION FOR THE
PRESIDENCY.
>> WE NEED A NOMINEE THAT DOESN'T KNOW THE MEANING
OF "IMPOSSIBLE."
>> Stephen: TRUMP'S GOT YOU BEAT THERE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE MEANING OF THOUSANDS OF WORDS.
YOU'RE NOT BEHIND ON THAT ONE.
JULIAN CASTRO SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT THE LIVES OF EVERYDAY AMERICANS
ARE LIKE.
>> TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE STRUGGLING, AND I KNOW WHAT
THAT'S LIKE, TOO.
I GREW UP WITH A SINGLE MOM IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> Stephen: "GROWING UP, WE WERE SO POOR, MY BROTHER AND I HAD TO
SHARE A FACE."
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S A TWIN.
HE'S A TWIN IS THE IDEA.
JULIAN CASTRO HAD HIS OWN ANSWER TO TRUMP'S SLOGAN.
>> WE'RE GOING TO MAKE AMERICA BETTER THAN IT'S EVER BEEN IN
THE YEARS TO COME.
>> Stephen: YEAH, FORGET "MAGA."
JULIAN CASTRO'S GOING WITH "MABTIEBITYTC"!
( LAUGHTER )
HIS CAMPAIGN-TESTED ZINGERS.
>> THE OPPOSITE OF DONALD TRUMP IS AN ASIAN MAN WHO LIKES MATH.
( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP, OPPOSITE OF DONALD TRUMP IS AN ASIAN MAN WHO KNOWS MATH.
JUDGES?
( BUZZ ) OH, I'M SO SORRY.
THE OPPOSITE OF DONALD TRUMP IS A BLACK WOMAN WHO HAS
SPELLCHECK.
SO CLOSE, VERY CLOSE.
YOU'RE GETTING OUR HOME GAME.
THEN, BIDEN GOT HIS TURN.
>> JUST LOOK AT THIS STAGE, MADE UP OF VERY DIVERSE PEOPLE FROM
DIVERSE BACKGROUNDS, WENT ON TO BE MAYORS, SENATORS, GOVERNORS,
CONGRESSWOMEN, MEMBERS OF THE CABINET, AND, YES, EVEN A
VICE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THE
DIVERSITY ON THIS STAGE.
HOW THIS HAPPENED.
IT'S LIKE THEY WERE ALL BUSSED INTO THIS DEBATE."
( LAUGHTER )
BE A LONG NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THEN-- WEAR A CUP!
THEN, TULSI GABBARD TOOK ON OUR BROKEN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM.DI
>> THE REALITY IS, RIGHT NOW, WE DON'T HAVE A HEALTHCARE SYSTEM.
WE HAVE A SICKCARE SYSTEM.
>> Stephen: "AND I SHOULD KNOW.
I AM THE ONLY ONE UP HERET DRESSED LIKE A DOCTOR."
ANDREW YANG MADE AN INTERESTING REVELATION.
>> WHEN I TOLD MY WIFE I WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, DO YOU
KNOW THE FIRST QUESTION SHE ASKED ME?
>> Stephen: "WHO ARE YOU?"
"WHAT'S GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND?"
( APPLAUSE )
ON HEALTHCARE DID NOT ADD UP, SHE SHOT BACK.
>> LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH ANDREW YANG RESPONDED, "HEY, THAT'S MY ONLY
THING!" "GET YOUR OWN THING!
YOU'VE GOT THE BUSING THING!" THEN, BIDEN BEGAN TO EXPLAIN HIS
HEALTHCARE PLAN BEFORE HE KIND OF RAN OUT OF STEAM.
>> WE IMMEDIATELY ARE ABLE TO COVER EVERYBODY WHO WANTS TO GET
OFF OF THEIR INSURANCE PLAN THEY
DON'T LIKE, NO MATTER WHAT ONE IT IS, AND BUY INTO A MEDICARE
OPTION.
AND THEY CAN BUY THE GOLD PLAN, AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO
HAVE TO PAY... ANYWAY.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
>> Jon: HE DIDN'T FINISH.
>> Stephen: BIDEN JUST JOINED THE RANKS OF HISTORY'S GREAT
ORATORS.
WHO CAN FORGET LINCOLN'S GREAT SPEECH, "FOUR SCORE AND ... YOU
GET THE IDEA."ID WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
WE'RE NOW-- WHATEVER.
YOU KIDS. F
EVEN THOUGH-- EVEN THOUGH BIDEN AND CASTRO WERE BOTH IN THE
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, ONLY BIDEN WANTED TO KEEP THE SAME BORDER
POLICY, AND CASTRO SWIPED BACK.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF US HAS LEARNED THE LESSONS OF
THE PAST, AND ONE OF US HASN'T.
"HEY, BUSTER I'VE LEARNED THE LESSONS OF THE PAST!
I WAS 'THERE' FOR MOST OF IT!
HELL, CHARLES LINDBERGH STILL OWES ME 20 BUCKS!" U
LATER ON, COREY BOOKER DEMANDED CHANGES TO OUR DRUG LAWS.
>> WE HAVE GOT TO HAVE FAR MORE BOLD ACTION ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE
REFORM LIKE HAVING TRUE MARIJUANA JUSTICE.
>> Stephen: YES, COMING TO CBS THIS FALL, "MARIJUANA JUSTICE!"
HIGH CRIMES JUST GOT HELLA BLAZED, BRO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I WOULD WATCH THAT.