- Hey everyone!
It's your girl Jenn.
And for today's video,
we are sitting down, we're getting ready,
and we're chatting about friendships.
And I know a few of you guys are thinking,
you know Jenn, I'm good, my friends rock.
If that's the case, fantastic,
like keep those people close to you and keep shining.
However if you are struggling in this department,
I just wanted to give you guys my two cents on friendships.
Because being an adult is hard
and keeping good people around you is important
because the people you surround yourself
affect your attitude and your behavior.
So I thought that I would just
kick it off with the negativity first
and bring out some deal breakers
on what I don't want in a friend.
So the big question is,
when is it okay to leave a friendship?
I'm pretty sure that all of us have been in a position
where we've met someone, we really hit it off,
and it's like, good for a couple of months or moments.
And then after some time passes,
you realize like oh my God,
we're actually really, really different.
And then you kind of phase out the friendship
or just give it some time to breathe.
I think that's perfectly normal.
And I know it may sound a little bit harsh
like oh my gosh, she's just cutting off some friends,
but you know what?
If you apply this same concept to dating,
it's like perfectly acceptable.
Like we meet a stranger,
we spill our guts and talk about everything,
and then once things get rocky, we have the talk.
And then you might never talk to this stranger ever again.
And I feel like that same concept
can be applied to friendships.
Like if a person is causing you so much stress in your life,
it's not your duty to be their best friend.
But I just think it's weird because like honestly,
I find that having that talk with a friend
is way more uncomfortable than having that talk
to someone that you're dating.
I don't know if you guys feel the same way
but it's very difficult.
But anywho, I want to talk about some specific dealbreakers
for me in a friendship.
And they're different for everybody.
My first one is criticism.
Like there's a reason
why it's on Dr. Gottman's divorce predictors.
There are four of them.
It's criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
But they say criticism is enough to kill any relationship.
And that includes friendships as well.
And I know that there's a difference between
constructive criticism and just plain criticism,
although I do appreciate constructive criticism,
if you are giving me constructive criticism
every time we meet,
it just gets old, man.
It just gets to a point where you're like
please stop focusing on me.
I'm not your little project.
And it could be very small things
like oh, you've got something on your shirt.
Your eyebrows are uneven.
You're laughing too loud.
It's actually pronounced this way.
I feel like it's like the tone they say it, too.
And I don't know,
I don't expect to be coddled in a friendship
but if it's just like every time
you're saying something that I'm doing wrong,
and I know it can be seen as like
oh, I'm just looking out for you.
But for some things I just don't really care.
Like for example, if I have like a stain on my shirt
and we're already out,
it's like, yeah, I have a stain on my shirt.
I'm already at the Grove, I do not have a Tide pen.
I'm not gonna go and change my shirt.
So what was the benefit of you pointing that out to me?
It just makes the person that you're calling out feel bad.
And honestly, this goes both ways.
If there is a friend where you're always wanting
to correct or fix to look out for them,
you might wanna re-evaluate and really think about
just like one or two things
that really personally affect you
and would help the friendship for the better
and then bring it up in a calm conversation
just between the two of you.
And I feel like that would have a much better reaction
than always nitpicking and nagging on a friend.
And when you do that, that is productive feedback.
And by the way,
I've been loving to use Tati Beauty's Blendiful.
I haven't used my beauty blenders in a very long time
and I'm not mad about that.
It's like one less tool I have to use.
The Blendiful's great because I can also powder my face
with it as well.
And I'm just gonna go in with Laura Mercier's
Translucent powder.
Being selfish is another deal breaker for me.
Now, everyone is selfish to a certain extent.
Like that's natural.
There is a fine line between looking out for yourself
and just being completely self-absorbed.
They are the type of friend that will literally
right when you see them, they'll sit down,
they'll rattle on and on and on about themselves,
about their problems, about their experiences,
about just like any random thing that they've had
and it's so hard for you to get a single word in
but they don't even realize
that they're not even letting you speak.
And even if you try and change the topic,
it's just immediately like,
how can I make this about me?
It's really frustrating to have a conversation
because it doesn't feel very fulfilling.
Like you're almost being verbally assaulted with words.
They just keep going and just keep talking at you.
And at the end of these hangouts,
you end up feeling super drained of all your energy reserves
and you just feel completely empty.
They're like emotional vampires.
If they're not constantly talking about themselves,
then they're constantly asking you of things.
And they're always putting you in a position
where you are kind of cornered into saying yes.
Selfishness can spark up in a lot of different forms
but for me, friends that just make everything about them.
They never really go out of their way to hear you out
at any capacity.
You guys know the drill,
I'm using my Maybelline Brow Ultra Slim pencils.
And my last deal breaker is if
I'm becoming a friend that I wouldn't want.
My friend Amy actually made a very enlightening video
about toxic relationships.
And she says that toxic relationships
are often seen as just a one-way street
like oh, that person's being toxic,
snip 'em out of your life.
However that's not really the case.
Being in a toxic relationship is a two-way street.
Like not one person is constantly the angel.
Like if someone is being toxic to you,
chances are you are being toxic right back
which fuels this wheel and cycle of toxicity.
When I started to examine my behavior
in a toxic relationship,
I realized I wasn't a very good friend either.
I was constantly dodging their calls and texts,
when I see their name on my phone I'd be like, (groans)
I would flake on them.
And when I would finally actually hang out with them
I would just be so resentful
on the fact that I had to be there
and just nitpick in my head
on the things that would annoy me about them.
I was being petty.
If I was around them,
I'd just be like this deflated balloon
and I would just drink like two or three cocktails
to make things more bearable and fun.
And if I need to have two or three drinks
to be around you, that's clearly not a good sign.
Like that's me medicating myself to make you more bearable.
Like who is winning in that situation here?
It got to a point where when I would hang out with them,
it would feel like a chore.
It would feel like something I had to do
as my civic duty, like pay a parking ticket.
And if any friend felt that type of way about me,
I would be like please, let's let this friendship breathe
and just give it some space.
Because no friendship should feel like that.
And this doesn't mean that friend is a bad person.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
It simply means that you guys aren't right for each other
and there's nothing wrong with that.
I feel like life is too short
to hope that a friend will change.
Like I don't expect anyone to change for me
but I do have a choice on who I spend my time with.
It's not a matter of hate,
it's a matter of incompatibility.
As simple as that.
So let's lighten the mood a little bit
and talk about something more positive
and let's move on to eyeshadows.
I'm gonna use Urban Decay's Naked Honey Palette
because I just want something goldy.
Friendships can look like anything.
It doesn't have to be like that typical social construct
of a best friend who's always at your house
and always on the phone with you
and you're like constantly texting with each other.
It doesn't have to look like that.
I have a lot of friendships where
I don't see them in a couple of months
and when we do see each other,
we just pick things up right where we left it off.
Like my friend Dani is a great example of that.
She lives in Toronto
and we see each other maybe like two to three times a year
but when we see each other,
we go in, we're like, woo!
A friendship can look like anything
as long as it works
and serves the both of you guys beneficially,
it's a good friendship.
So the first quality I look for in a friendship
is you gotta be real with me.
I can only handle small talk for so long.
Like how long are we gonna talk about the weather
and tv shows, and films?
Like yes that's fun when you first meet somebody,
but to be my best friend, we gotta get to a point
where we're like cracking open our souls
and we just explain and open up
about like what's really going on.
There's nothing more fulfilling to me
than having a two-way back and forth conversation
of us opening about our hardships,
our successes, our shortcomings, our strengths,
just everything spilled out and examined together.
I think that's absolutely beautiful.
And it's actually a little bit more difficult to find
then you'd think.
And I absolutely do not expect my friends
to be perfect people.
Like we are all going to fuck up at some point.
And if something goes down,
I want them to be real with me.
I want them to tell me what they really think
and vice-versa.
So now I'm gonna do a light little wing
with this brown liquid eyeliner.
And the second trait that I look for in a friendship
is we both gotta make effort with each other.
And effort looks, it can look like a lot of different things
but an example that I'll use is like scheduling.
Like a lot of my friends have just these insane schedules.
It's honestly like playing Tetris sometimes, like
like you know?
oh you've got a meeting on Wednesday?
How about Thursday night, Thursday doesn't work?
How about Friday?
There have been times where we've literally
had to schedule hangouts two to three weeks in advance
and the people that take it personally,
being like oh my God, you gotta pencil me in that far?
It's like, yeah.
And if you have a problem with that,
then it's like it's not my problem.
But it's that action of setting out
and blocking out a time for me,
I don't know why, but it makes me feel really special.
No matter how far advance it is.
Time is a very valuable currency
and so when you carve out time to make dinners
and one-on-ones with me, it really warms my heart.
Also reaching out is another important way
and another way to show effort.
If you have a friend and the only problem
is the frequency of that person reaching out to you
and it doesn't feel like enough
or it feels really lopsided,
I mean, I think it's something to bring up.
If it's affecting you.
And it doesn't have to be in that really heavy way
where you're like, hey, we need to talk.
I wish you'd reach out more often.
I mean, maybe you could do that, do it that way,
but I don't know why.
Like that confrontation really freaks me out.
Back in 2017, I had a friend where
I realized like, wow, I am the only person
that really reaches out to them to hang out.
But the thing is, when we did hang out, it was awesome.
It was fun.
So one night I actually brought it up
and I was kinda nervous but I had a couple of drinks in me
so I was like, you know what, fuck it.
I'm just gonna say how I feel.
So I said hey, like I really love our friendship
and I love how much it's been growing
and I feel so close to you.
And I realized when I was looking over our iMessage,
I just started to notice that you know,
I've been doing a lot of the reaching out
and it would really mean the world to me
if you could possibly reach out to me as well.
I think I tripped over my words,
but the sincerity was there.
Now this situation could've easily gone two ways.
She could've just looked at me being like,
yeah, I've been like, I'm doing the best I can,
and this is the frequency that I wanna see you.
Luckily that didn't happen.
It happened another way
where she was like oh my God, I didn't even realize.
When I get really busy, it's hard for me to plan beyond.
So I've always leaned on you to schedule our hangouts.
But now that I know how you feel,
I'll start reaching out to you, too.
And now it's 2020 and I haven't felt that way at all.
Like it's been a very, very good back and forth
and it's not like I'm keeping tabs or anything
but it just, the flow feels really natural.
And speaking of friends,
here is this palette from Weylie.
She came out with a collab with Physicians Formula
and it is freakin' bomb.
I am so proud of her.
And I'm gonna be using this color called Apricot.
It's like the perfect peachy shade.
So my last quality is that I feel heard.
Like I've mentioned this in the past before
but when I speak,
it takes a lot out of me to talk.
Like if I'm talking and someone isn't really listening
I'm just like, I get very disheartened.
I'm just like why do I even bother?
So when a friend is deeply engaged
and listening to what I'm saying, woo, jackpot.
Instantly I feel really, really connected to you.
I feel like this is such an undervalued quality
that people don't even realize that they need in a friend.
And when I say listening,
I don't mean like calculating what you're gonna say next.
It's about listening to you with no distractions,
not on your phone, not fiddling with your lipstick,
it's literally like looking at you
and really deeply listening to you.
It's not about giving advice all the time.
A lot of the times we pretty much know what to do.
But it's about like getting it out of our system
and making that person feel heard.
When a friend is opening up to me about something,
I try my best to give them my full undivided attention.
I allow them to speak it out
and I hold my advice at the very, very end.
Not until I've asked them
at least like two to three questions
helping them unpack more of their feelings,
asking them, so what do you think you're gonna do about it?
Listening is definitely an underappreciated skill
in our society.
Especially because we're constantly rewarding
those who have the loudest voices and talk the most.
Like the loudest person in the room
usually isn't always the one that's right.
And I don't want to come off like I'm holier than thou,
like I'm the best listener in the world
but at least it's on my radar
and it's something I'm trying to improve.
So for my lip color, I'm using this one by Gucci.
It is called Katrin Sand.
(gentle music)
All right guys.
This is the finished look.
I hope you enjoyed this very extensive talk
about friendships and the qualities
that I look for in a friend.
But now I would really, really love to hear from you.
Please tell me what are things
that you look for in a friendship,
some deal breakers are for you,
and I would love to read about them
because I feel like what people value in a friendship
are very different.
Like some people can put like loyalty above anything else,
like you can be completely irrational
but as long as you're loyal as fuck
and you got my back, then that's like a quality.
Some people might be like,
they need to have the ability to make me laugh.
Like there's so many things that people need in their life.
And so I just want to disclaim that my way is not the way,
it's just a way that works for me.
But yeah, that's the end of the look!
I hope you guys enjoyed
and I will see you guys in the next one.
Bye!
Mwah!
(gentle music)